Two year old hitting newborn

[butterwithtoast]

DD1 is 2 years old and keeps hitting my DD2 who is 5 weeks. It always starts off as DD1 wanting to give DD2 a kiss, but often ends in her lashing out and hitting the baby in the face or on the head.

I'm trying my best to stop her lashing out, and she hasn't hurt the baby (yet), but I just don't know what to do. Her language is still mostly just pointing and naming things at this stage, so she can't tell me why she's hitting her sister, and I don't feel like she understands any discipline we're attempting. We always remove her from the situation and tell her clearly that it's not nice to hit her sister, that she must be gentle. She looks like she knows she's done something wrong, and looks for reassurance and hugs, which we give her, but then she just goes for DD2 again at the next opportunity.

Has anyone been through something similar? Any advice on how to handle this?

Give your attention to the newborn when she DD1 hits her , because if every time DD1 hits DD2, you put all your focus, words, affection and cuddles on DD1, it is counter productive.

Use less words, say " no hitting" and turn your back on DD1 and remove DD2 from the sister not the opposite. Then come back, later.

Firstly, this is totally normal. Secondly, it won’t last forever! I would echo PP, comfort newborn, a firm no and briefly ignore 2 year old then immediately move on. It took about 12 weeks before I could safely leave my DS with his new sister for a moment.

Definitely focus on DD1 when it happens, otherwise you’re rewarding DD2 with attention (at that age negative attention counts).

Focus on positive instructions rather than negative - so “we use gentle hands” rather than “no hitting”.

And use playdoh to demonstrate what rough and gentle look and feel like.

The other thing that helped... try to phrase them as a unit when playing ‘Oh you two are ganging up on me!’ Etc. Works better once baby a bit bigger but it seemed to help DS see his sister as an ally

Give her a bollocking and tell her not to do it again. It is not normal.

Tell the baby off sometimes. If it's always the 2 yo being told off they can get resentful. I used to tell the baby off for imaginary things. Kept dd1 feeling things were fair.

Also agree that loads of fuss made of the baby if dc1 hits.

Encourage gentle hands. Let her practice how to touch softly.

Thanks all (well, maybe not @copperandtod ) that's helpful. I'll try focusing more on DD2 when it happens again. I guess I'm just feeling guilty that DD1 is obviously feeling left out and jealous, so automatically focus on her when she acts out. But I can see how that would be counterproductive.

Try to find times during the day in which you are 1:1 with DD1, you play with her, read to her, without being interrupted by DD2. Maybe in the evening or early morning when your partner is there. Show her you are still there for her, your love hasn't changed, try during the weekend to go out with her for 30 min in a cafe enjoying a cake, at the playground, the pool or whatever she likes.

There will be many times in life when she will be jealous, about many people, being jealous is part of life, and most of the time, you won't have someone cuddling you if you are not picked to speak at assembly or not winning a lottery. By focusing on her, you make that feeling bigger, by comforting her you put the accent on the fact that there is something to be comforted about.

It will pass, but hurting, hitting is a no. Don't talk for hours, just say, that's wrong , we will read a book later.

Apparently my sister used to do similar when I was born. My parents used to tell her she had to have quiet time to think about what she had done and during that time they fussed over me. It will pass!

I've heard it's quite common. My MIL told me that when my husband was born, BIL (who was 2) bit him... so she bit BIL . Apparently that was the accepted response at the time. So I probably won't be taking that approach, but good to know it's not unusual! We definitely try to give DD1 lots of 1 on 1 time, tricky as I'm almost constantly breastfeeding, but trying my best!

Oh well you could always tell the baby off. It should even things out a bit!!! What the actual ? .,,,, lol

We had terrible problems when ds2 was born and I had to always be between them. The worse was ds1 trying to suffocate the baby. We worked on prevention - saying things like 'oh look ds2 always smiles when he sees you', 'oh ds1 you are so good at making your brother stop crying', 'oh ds1 I am sure ds2 is trying to say your name'.

If ds1 did hurt ds2 I would say 'we don't... our brother' and physical move one away from the other give ds2 a bit of attention then quickly move on from the incident, I would say 'gentle hands' etc to try and preempt an incident.

When ds2 was older he idolised ds1- followed him around and ds1 was great with him. They still had (and still have!) their moments but the bond was beautiful.

Thanks @lois, it's nice to hear about the light at the end of the tunnel! At the moment I dread having to look after them both by myself, but I'm trying all the positive reinforcement tips and so far today we've been ok and I've managed to have some lovely 1 on 1 time with DD1 while DD2 naps.

I had 18mo between DS1 & 2 and I echo the advice to give loads of one-to one attention to DD1. Its so hard to do when you have a newborn but it pays dividends in the future when they have a great relationship with each other. My two are 3 and 4 now and the best of pals.

copper tell us more about your insights into managing a toddler and a newborn. Are you an expert?

My nephew used to throw things or try to hit my niece when she was born and we would shout at DNephew, tell him it was mean and he can't do that and then cuddle DNiece and ask if she was okay etc. We would also give DNephew lots of praise for helping with the new baby and involved him in feeds, nappy changes etc. We just tried to gently point out to him that being kind and gentle with his sister was right, and any bad behaviour around her resulted in being shouted at and then ignored. It only lasted maybe 1-2 weeks before he 'got it'. He was 2.5 at the time.

I wouldn’t pussy foot around a 2 year old who was behaving like that around a baby. I would discipline immediately and move on

@copper the reason I posted was because 'a bollocking', as you so helpfully suggested, doesn't work with a 2 year old. She doesn't understand enough for me to just tell her off and then expect her to stop. She's lashing out because she doesn't have any better form of communication, she's not being 'bad'. The advice I've had from others has given me a number of things I can try to help her manage her emotions and stop the hitting without escalating emotions and just making things worse for everyone.

With a two-year-old you have to be right there in the action when she is near the baby. When the move goes to strike the baby you move like greased lightning, grab her hand and say No sharply. 2-year-olds do get jealous, they do hit babies but they do understand a short sharp no. They need close supervising, if she hits the baby with a toy (think metal toy car) there could be a nasty injury. Boundary setting starts now, eg running off into the road, hitting biting. You do have to be on it for a while

@confused trust me, I am watching her like a hawk! She doesn't manage to make contact with the baby, but I'd like to stop the impulse to lash out in the first place so we don't have to worry about her being in the same room as DD2

She is being bad. It is up to you to make her understand what she’s doing is wrong.

It's so very normal. Treating it like any other unwanted behaviour is best, deflect and redirect. Don't make too much of the baby in the immediate aftermath, your 2yo is still very much a baby themselves so perhaps some positive reinforcement and then moving on before the hitting has a chance to happen would help.

It is very normal. There is a 2.5 age gap between mine. I try to emphasise the good behaviour (sometimes to the point of being OTT) ie "well done DD1 your sitting so nicely next to baby" "being so gentle" and talk about gentle hands and show her how to be gentle. I make a point of telling the baby off, or telling the baby they need to wait as I'm helping DD1 (for example if baby starts fussing while I'm helping DD1 on the toilet etc) - so DD1 feels baby is getting same treatment as her. On the rare time she has hurt baby i have told her off and held her away from baby if she's tried to do it again "I can't let you hurt baby". The emphasis on the positive seems to work well for my DD but all children are different. Good luck, the two year age gap is hard work but great