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17 yr old daughter completely unmotivated

2 replies

headiswrecked · 16/05/2019 14:32

I haven't posted in ages but find myself feeling more and more desperate and hope I can get some insight that may help.
I have 3 kids, 20 year old ds and b/g twins of 17. Eldest is a dream in most ways and I think I was lulled into a false sense of security with him.. he was always level headed and self driven and is now finished second yr Uni and well on his way to a great degree.
My twins, however, are going off the rails and I really need some advice on how to get them back on track before their final year in school next year. dd is particularly lost. She is showing signs of anxiety and depression imo.
Her room looks like a bombsite all the time, she has absolutely no interest in studying but then has a complete meltdown on the day of exams or class tests! This started about 2 years ago but it was never bad enough for me to worry until now.
She suffers badly with pms so I recently brought her to gp and she has started taking the pill which I am hoping will help with her hormones..I encouraged her to talk to gp about any issues she may be having but she said she's fine and doesn't need to talk to anyone.
She told me yesterday (in floods of tears) though that she's feeling overwhelmed with school and that she has "all this shit to deal with". I'm worried and want to help her but don't know how! I suppose what I'm asking is have any of you been through this with their dd and if so did it pass or should I consider counselling for her?

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woodcutbirds · 16/05/2019 15:41

IMO their mental health is more important than anything else. Certainly way more important than school. Please let her know this. Tell her that her priority and yours too is for her to have a happy, healthy life and to develop confidence and resilience to deal with the inevitable stresses. If she is truly overwhelmed, explain to her that nothing at all is set in stone. It's possible to drop out and start the syllabus again at a sixth form college from September if she prefers. Many highly successful people have low or no exams from their school days. It doesn't exclude you from doing a degree with the OU or an access course and a regular uni course later in life. In short: the whole world and anything she wants to do in it will still be available to her if she completely flunks these exams or drops out entirely.

I know everyone hates an armchair psychologist (with good reason) but from what you have said, I wonder if she has something like ADD. Complete inability to concentrate and self-regulate to study for exams; room a tip; symptoms of depression and anxiety; meltdowns.

In your position, I'd do this:

Give her a duvet day tomorrow. She is ill with stress and needs a break. If you can, take her out for a long gentle walk in the fresh air. If you're at work, make sure she's got a pleasant and easy plan for the day (lie in, watch a comedy rerun, get hair cut or similar) and check on her regularly by text or phone.

Over the weekend spend a whole day working on her room. Declutter it with her. Get her to do one aspect at a time (An ADD person - if she has it - won't know where to start without a very specific prompt, so you just say: pick up clothes first. Put dirty ones in a pile, clean ones on hangers. Then rubbish in bin, dirty crockery downstairs in sink, etc. Make it fun. Put on nice music and burn a scented candle if she likes them. Open the windows, change the bedding. Finish by cleaning it and ordering any storage she needs for keeping stuff organised.
Once it is orderly, check on her every night and give a specific single instruction to keep on top of it.

That may seem like a superficial thing to start with, but if she is overwhelmed, having practical proof that she can tackle a problem and resolve it will help.

Once the room is tidy, help her sort her school work. Go through her files with her, organising material into folders and sections, checking she has all the text books and revision guides she needs. (If she has ADD or similar she will have lost half of them and may be too ashamed or worried about getting into trouble to admit it.) Make a list (with no judgment) of all the things she needs but lacks - from supplies to missing chunks of work.

My niece is very like this (including the PMS) and my DSis just did nothing but 'endure' it. I was itching from the sidelines because I was like this too and would desperately have benefited from someone helping in the way I've just suggested. DS2 is like this but I do help him and as a result his anxiety and chaos are very well under control. he has learned how to organise himself far better than I ever did but needed to be taught every step as nothing came naturally.

She may need or want counselling but I'd first give practical help and comfort in as many areas as you can and get her life on track like that. Otherwise she'll think you are just reinforcing the message that there's something 'wrong' with her and she probably already feels that. She needs reassurance that she is fine as she is and can overcome this and thrive, even if she needs to take her own time about it, just as many many successful happy people before her have and will after her. We're not cookie-cutter dough.

headiswrecked · 16/05/2019 17:41

@woodcutbirds thanks for those very practical suggestions.. I have intervened a few times with the room in various different ways..I usually end up spending hours getting it into a half decent state for her hoping it may be a good incentive to see it clean(ish) and encourage her to keep on top of it but she literally has it back to it's original state within a few days..
We've cleaned it together on occasions too and I'm always really careful not to comment on the state of it but rather focus on the positive vibes we all get when we've finished a clear out ..again, the room stays clean for a day or two and then slides back..she just doesn't seem to have any "umph" iykwim..
you've definitely hit the nail on the head regarding getting her stuff organised for school..she was such a great organiser when she was younger..everything had labels..neat handwriting..conscientious about school work etc but that's all gone out the window (which is why I don't think it's ADD.
.I went back to college myself last year after a long career break and I think the change to our routine didn't help things tbh.
I'm totally on the same page as you regarding the importance of happiness and good mental health over academics, I myself did crap in school but still managed to find a fulfilling career so I certainly don't but any undue pressure on her to "perform" academically but deep down it breaks my heart to watch a very bright and capable girl limit her choices when I know she's well able.
I should point out that we're in Ireland so the system is a little different here... we don't really have the equivalent of 6th form college, it's pretty rare to drop out before the leaving cert (A levels) and it dramatically reduces their choices.
I never went to college or Uni and having seen my eldest having the time of his life I guess I want it for my twins too.
DD doesn't seem to have any direction at all though. She seems to be aimless and not interested in anything apart from socialising with her mates. She is good at art but says she has no interest in pursuing anything to do with art after school. She loves music and dancing but again, doesn't like them enough to consider a career in either.

Career guidance in school doesn't seem to up to much so I thought I might look into life coaches or somebody she could talk to about options for her future..we chat about it here at home and her older brother is great with casual advice without too much pressure but she just doesn't seem to care..Apathetic is probably the right word for her.

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