Post natal depression

[Wishicouldturnbacktime]

I'm just watching Louis Theroux talking to women with post natal depression and post natal psychosis and it's taken me back to when my dd was small and I had a breakdown when she was about 10 months old.

She was a poor sleeper and I couldn't cope. I was literally tortured, getting approx 3-5 hours sleep max a night for 2 months before the breakdown. The day I reached my lowest, my dd refused to nap and I was just broken. I screamed at her and hurt myself. I ended up in A&E. The following day my husband took our dd for a walk and I thought about taking my life. I thought that they would both be better off without me. I couldn't go through with it and told him when he came back that I wanted to die. I sought help and went to speak to someone who helped more than she will ever know.

Even though I got better and the worst was over my dd still remained a really poor sleeper and and usually after a few days of little sleep I would get less patient and a lot of the time I would end up screaming at her. I would be bad tempered for days. I NEVER once hurt her but the guilt I still feel to this day for the screaming gnaws at me all the time.

I wish with all of my heart that I could go back in time and ask for help sooner, not to relieve my guilt but to spare her the shit mother she had for 18 months of her life. I worry non stop if I have somehow damaged her psychologically.

I love my girl with all of my heart, I would sell my soul to go back and be a better mum for her. I don't know why I'm writing this. I think maybe if it prompts someone else to get help... I dunno. Anyone who knew me and met me on a daily basis would never have thought that I was ready to end it all. I put on such a show that everything was wonderful and yet it wasn't. I wonder if someone else had told me they struggled would I have asked for help sooner.

To anyone out there drowning or just beginning to feel like they are slipping under, ask for help. There is no shame in it.

♥️♥️

This is so lovely and honest. I struggled too. My baby didn't sleep for months, every night I would cry, I would shout at my partner "why won't he sleep" "what am I doing so wrong"
I was at the end of my last nerve and feeling my worst. I would get 2-3 hours a night and the sound of him crying would give me terrible anxiety. I didn't want to go out incase people thought I was found something wrong. I didn't want to see friends as all they said was "it will get better" it's a lonely road when you feel that low.
Sleep deprivation is sooooo real and I wish people would talk about it more.
Everyone asks..... how the baby's doing? do they sleep well? Do they sleep through the night? Any teeth yet? Are they crawling? Do they say mum or dad?
STOP..... and ask how mum is, has she had a hot cuppa tea, has she showered, does she need you to help with the baby so she can just be on her own for a hour.
Please ask the mums, and dads.... how they are. ♥️

Thanks Poppy.

I remember smashing a plate on the ground out of pure frustration. I wouldn't go anywhere either because she was cranky all the time and would just throw wild tantrums out of sheer exhaustion and I would cry in the middle of the shops or where ever I was because I was mortified.

I remember very little of my daughter's milestones because of the exhaustion. The first couple of years are really just a blur. Occasionally something will trigger little memories and I'll smile because I didn't know it was in there.

I'm going through the 10 month regression and he won't sleep again, Iv cried days and nights again!
And want to scream!
Hes so over tired but won't give in.
He screams though dinner and bed time

It's the most exhausting and frustrating feeling.
Iv had comments lately off friends and family that I'm doing things wrong. They tell me when he's tired or hungry (like I'm stupid and don't know) they tell me I'm making my own life difficult because I don't leave him to cry at his naps. They tell me it's my fault he's like this!

I want to tell them all where to go!
It's awful and rude of them.
But slowly it gets to me and now I sit and question myself 😐

OP I am just about to write a post on PND as I’m looking for advice. My DD is 8 months and I am struggling so much that I have had horrible thoughts to harm myself. Reading your post was very refreshing to read, it is nice to know we aren’t all alone in this because I swear when you have PND you feel like the only mother in the world who has felt like this.

I had it too. I don’t recall much of DS’s first year, it was horrendous and I would not wish the torment on my worst enemy. It started to lift from his first birthday onwards. I’ve since had another baby (when he was 3 years old) and whilst I still get anxious about stuff I don’t feel the awful doom and gloom that I felt with my first. It’s incredibly difficult to deal with without an outlet (talking thereapy) in my opinion. Thinking of all the mum out there struggling ❤️💐

@mamaandthegirls
Please know your not alone. I'm always here if you want to talk! Don't bottle things up as it hurts so much more inside. ♥️ I am
Going through another stage of him not sleeping (he's 11months) not napping again, and it breaks me every day! I wish there was a way to make things a little better for us all 😊 just know your not alone xx