New Mum struggle and guilt

[BeccaAnnJones]

Hi guys

I have a beautiful 6 week old little girl but I’m struggling 😔

I’ve had to painfully terminate two pregnancies both at 20 weeks gestation since Nov 2017 as they had Walker Warburg Syndrome; something my husband and I are carriers of.

We were so lucky to fall pregnant again with a ‘carrier’ little girl so she is totally healthy.

I’m so besotted by her but she’s inconsolable in the days and evenings (through colic) and I’m too scared to take her out alone.

I take her to baby classes and to my parents’ house and go for drives in the days. I also do lots with my husband and her when he finishes work / in weekends.

It’s just the guilt of not being able ti just take her for a walk alone or to the shops is crippling me. There’s no knowing if she’ll be ok in the pram or carrier or sling and if she has a meltdown in public it’s as though no cuddles, feeding (formula fed), changing or burping will console her. I also have a dog and so many days (if I don’t have baby classes) are spent feeling exhausted, guilty and useless; as I look at my gorgeous crying baby and brain dead little dog. I feel like a complete failure as a mum.

So many friends with newborns are cool with taking them for walks / to shops alone that I feel so awful.

We’ve tried her on so many different milks and the CMA milk seems to have helped this passed week so awaiting for more to be delivered to my pharmacy (tomorrow).

Has anyone else felt the same? I know she’s only 6 weeks old but I feel like I should be able to take her in the pram alone, I’ve just had awful experiences.

I’d love to know I’m not alone on here, just for peace of mind as I feel so useless ❤️

X

Congratulations on your beautiful girl! I'd say just go for it - I hate being stuck in, I find it makes all my negative thoughts worse. I'm a big believer in fresh air being good for babies too.

If she cries, she cries. You won't be the first mum to walk home with a screaming baby in your arms pushing an empty pram, and you won't be the last either. Plan a short route for yourself so you can get home quickly. Have you got a pal you could meet for a walk along the way?

My friends rave about infacol? I wouldn't know admin not a parent but they use it for colic. Also if you're going to use Mumsnet maybe change your user name if it's currently your real name xxx

Brave a baby group op. Seek out the leader and explain your baby has colic and you worry about being out. No baby group I ever went to didn't want to share the 'burden' of cuddling and comforting a squishy baby.
Being a ftm dm is hard - ever dm has been there - nobody would see you sat alone.

Sometimes you have to find your confidence and realise that actually if your baby cries in public, you can deal with it.

The first time I went out and ds cried, I panicked and brought him home...

My second was a crier as well but because I had a toddler, staying in was not an option.

So she lived in her sling for the first three months as it was much easier to comfort her. I had a dummy for her (after a panic buy when she wouldn’t stop crying when we were out!) and this was a godsend, it really was. She needed that extra comfort.

I really would encourage you to go out. Start small and plan around her feeds. Try a sling and a dummy.

In my experience 6 weeks wasn't a good age. I didn't manage many public appearances until about 3 months. I think it's their crappy digestive systems (even when there is nothing specifically wrong) and they mostly cheer up as they get older and can move about and do more.

I had 3 under 3 and being able to hand over dc 3 to grab a hot cuppa was possible at toddler groups!! Everyone loved him!

You’re doing really well. I have an almost 5 week old and she’s started to get that colicky scream in the evenings and it’s awful when you just don’t know what to do to comfort them, and can really get you down. You’re already doing better than me as I only braved putting her in the car last week, after realising I’d been avoiding it as I didn’t know what I’d do if she started crying.

Generally she’s happy in the pram but I do panic about having somewhere to sit and feed her or change her if need be. It’s not such a big deal when we go out at the weekends as generally we go to places where there’d be plenty of places to do that, but in our little town there’s not really anywhere unless I want to spend money on a coffee. But I’m still going out and hoping for the best. Now the weathers better it seems a bit easier as it’ll be easy to sit down in the park. I’ve also been told the library has a nice changing room so knowing that helps.

I second the idea of baby groups. I haven’t been to any yet as I don’t know what’s available but I go to slimming world and a group for mums of dc with special needs (older dc has autism) and just having other people make a fuss of her for an hour or so is lovely, it reinforces all the lovely things I know are true about dd to hear other people say them too. People love to fuss over a baby and they won’t be as upset by her cries as you are. The hard days are HARD but in general she’s lovely, and like you she was a much longed for baby after a few bad losses. And really, 6 weeks is still so new and tiny. It takes a while to get into the swing of things, and she’s my fourth!

Have you tried a sling? My boy was inconsolable for the first two months of his life... until I reluctantly ntroduced a dummy. Absolute game changer.

I feel your pain. There's nothing worse than not being able to console your baby, it makes you feel like a complete failure. My 2nd has been hard work, miserable, crying and a bad sleeper. I remember my sister describing my baby to a mutual friend saying that it didn't matter who held him, even his mum couldn't comfort him. I still get upset by that comment now. My advice is....

1. Try every avenue to see what's wrong. GP- Silent reflux, allergies, tongue tie etc. It'll make you feel better that you're trying to help. I camped out at our Drs and demanded ranitidine for silent reflux.

1. If you're unsure go back. Our GP said no tongue tie, We went privately and got it snipped.

1. Talk about how rubbish it is in real life and on here.

1. Everything changes with babies. What's an issue now will change in a few weeks time. They'll sit up, crawl, be on solids, walk. It gets easier.

Good luck xx

Thanks guys, really appreciate it ❤️❤️❤️

I use a dummy, tried a sling, use infacol, colief and gripe water and go to baby groups lol. I think I just need to have in my head ‘if she cries, she cries’ and I’ll just have to pick her up for a cwtch/ feed etc with an empty pram ❤️ That’s really good advice ❤️

It’s good knowing I’m not alone and that most of you have experienced these difficulties too ❤️

xxxxx

Definitely understand how you're feeling but I think that once you start getting out and about you'll relax and she will too. It's a great idea to speak to a group leader about your anxiety of her crying, they will understand... it's very common. One thing that took me far too long to realise is... babies cry! You can do all the things that you think might be wrong and they still might cry... they just need your calm presence. I used to flap about trying desperately to make my first baby stop crying and tie myself in knots which made him more unsettled. I was much more chilled with the second.
You're doing great :)

Hi
Congratulations on your lovely baby girl. It's early days. Some babies overcome colic after a few weeks - I hope that's true for your daughter and you. Some after a few months. Others have GERD and might stay that way for months or even years. My son did, so I have literally tried every known remedy. In our experience, Infacol helped best, but you could also try Colief or gripe water.
One thing that was incredibly helpful to us was learning baby massage. There is a gentle tickling massage that literally breaks up wind and teases it out. You get to feel the wind bubbles and gently massage them away. My son uused to giggle with happiness when I did it. And another one called The sun and the Moon. Worth booking a private session or two to learn the specific techniques.
Try winding her over your knees with her tummy against your thighs. That helped DS a bit.
Finally - it sounds awful, but for your own sanity you have to go about your daily life, with or without colic. So long as she is clean, fed, winded and given safe medication to ease her pain, being joggled around in a sling will probably be more soothing for her than anything else.
Good luck.

Hi OP!

I’m so so sorry for your losses. You’ve been through so much. Congratulations on your beautiful little girl.

I agree getting out can be great BUT I’ll tell you what I wish someone had told me. Honestly, if you feel more comfortable at home some days. Just stay at home!

DD had terrible colic. Cried LOADS until 4/5 months (still is quite temperamental!). Stiff as a board, hated pram/ car/ even the sling didn’t always console her. I dragged myself to baby groups, baby swimming, baby sensory. I spent half the time walking around the room with her trying to calm her down and would always be the one to leave early if she was crying. I was on edge and at that stage, didn’t get much out of going: I felt alone and jealous of other Mums with their ‘easy’ babies.

She only needs you, her Mum. She will be just as happy at home snuggling on the sofa or getting some fresh air in the garden. Look after yourself. Even now DD is 10 months I only do things I know won’t be stressful as she is just not a ‘portable’ baby. I know our limits.

Can you arrange your friends or family to come see you instead? Baby groups are great but only go if you want to, not because you feel you should. Cut yourself some slack, be kind to yourself and don’t compare to others!

DD’s colic turned out to be a dairy allergy. I’m breastfeeding so cut everything out including soy and saw a huge improvement. I hope you will have some luck with the new milk!

And btw I totally understand how you feel going for a walk with the pram alone!! I still have ptsd from where I’ve been caught by myself with a screeching inconsolable baby (anyone with a baby that has colic will know it’s not ‘normal’ crying!). It’s so isolating not even being able to walk to the shops- I felt like I was being held hostage in my home with the baby. But you have to embrace it, make your home nice and have lots of cups of tea. In a few months things will be so much easier! (And I never thought I would say that)

Congratulations on your baby girl I can absolutely sympathise, I used to get so stressed when my DS had inconsolable screaming bouts in public, I was convinced everyone hated me and that someone would come over and tell me off It’s taken me about 6 months to realise that actually, people understand that teeny tiny babies cry and they just feel hugely sympathetic for you.

Are there are parks or footpaths near you where you can take her and the dog out for very short walks to start off with, and build up your confidence from there?

It sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job, hang in there

God, I remember that feeling of not wanting to brave the shops or baby groups. We just did what we could at the time to keep our sanity.

Have you tried colief?

DS had colic. We tried everything: Infacol, Dentinox, Gripe Water, massage, different feeding positions, all sorts. DS would only settle if I paced up and down the kitchen like a woman possessed.

Colief was the one though. Bloody miracle for us!

Hang in there. It's so sodding tough but it won't last forever. It will pass, I promise.

These early weeks are so incredibly hard. I didn't even attempt to take my first baby out alone until she was 6 weeks. We had a medical appointment and I was so terrified just driving with her in the car. We were 20 minutes late and I cried to the receptionist and then she needed to be fed at the end of our appointment and I was so nervous feeding her in public (bf) that I drove all the way back home with her screaming to feed her. It gets easier. Really at 6 weeks, I was barely managing to make it out of the house fully dressed and remembering to brush my teeth every day.

I think there is a perception that a very much wanted and struggled for baby should just slot right into a perfect family life. But that is so not true. It's hard for everyone, even people who seem to have it all together. A lot of people are struggling so much that leaving the house is the only way to hold it together and not completely crumble under crushing mental health strain and mind numbing sleep deprivation. It isn't necessarily because they are doing all that well. We just all have our own ways of coping. It does start to get a lot easier in the next month or so though, so hang in there. But do force yourself to get out. Go get a coffee (to takeaway so you can bolt if it's all too much), go for a walk, stroll around the shops, even if it's chaos most of the time.

Guys, I am SO SO grateful for your comments.

I have managed to find a short peaceful walk for us!

The baby groups and NCT mums are amazing!! So seeing them for coffee and baby classes make me feel more normal.

She’s either asleep or feeding and crying when she’s awake so getting to grips with this, mentally, is what I need to just get used to.

She’s so gorgeous but it’s definitely something I need to get over - that she’s not a peacful baby like the others.

Without sounding weird, knowing you guys have gone through this helps so so so much. Like you wouldn’t believe. Not feeling alone helps ❤️

My parents are awesome too which I’m so grateful for.

Baby steps but I’ll get there. Each day i try to push myself more and more. Just meed tonthink of it as a challenge I will overcome ❤️❤️❤️

Thank you from the bottom of my heart xxxxx

People used to say to me that every child is difficult at some point. DS was a difficult baby but he was a peaceful toddler - no tantrums, and he's been the loveliest teenager. You'll find the same. Those people with easy babies will have surly teens or bad tantrums as toddlers.

My son was exactly the same for the first two months of his life. I could only really go out while he was asleep and I'd leave if he started to wake up. He cried and cried. But you get used to it and your baby's needs. You get to work around your baby's needs. For instance I never ever go out during 12-2 as if my boy doesn't nap then, he will get mega cranky. And I take the carrier everywhere I go as he's often happier in there than the pram, but I have to take the pram too as he will nap in there if i walk fast enough and don't chat. I definitely had to cha he my expectations of parenting a baby though.

To reassure you, it really does get easier. My son is still hard work at 7 no ths and seems more needy than other babies in some ways ... he like a constant entertainment for instance and gets whiny and frustrated easily... but he's also got a huge personality and laughs and smiles far more than the other babies too and is just hilarious and such a delight. And the other ladies who had 'easy' newborns are now beginning to find some challenges so I feel like it has toughened me up a bit anyway!! Best of luck xx

Thanks so much both ❤️
I find it hard ‘thinking of the future’ instead of just ‘enjoying the now’ but it’s really really reassuring to hear it gets easier.
@surreygirl1987 I’m the same, she’s fine sleeping but when she wakes she cries so going out is a ticking time bomb so I just need to learn to live with it ❤️
Thanks so much for sharing, all your experiences are helping to keep me sane ❤️ Xxxxx

Yes life with it for now but trust me when I say it does get easier! These days I purposefully only ever take him out awake - the opposite of what I used to have to do! If he's being walked around in the carrier or played with on my lap he's generally very happy - at least for a while til he gets bored/tired/hungry/overstimulated - so you just learn what works and make sure you stick to that. For example I go to a mum and babt yoga class every Friday. Most of the other babies are left on the playmat in the corner of the room with a mum (in rotation). There's no way my boy would entertain himself and be happy during the class so I just have him on my yoga mat with me so I can get to keep him distracted myself. It's exhausting but it's just a different personality type and honestly he's so happy most of the time too these days! It was like a switch was flicked when he turned 8 weeks. It helped when we got him into a proper napping schedule too. Best of luck. It will be amazing but I did find th3 early mo the completely awful.

@BeccaAnnJones I was you when my gorgeous DD was 6/7 weeks. She would spend days screaming non stop. It turned out she had reflux and CMPA, and once those two issues were sorted she was like a different child. Ranitidine was our saviour! They also get bad wind at that age, and the world is all so new and overwhelming to them. Have you had your 6 week check with the GP yet? Mention how you feel, as your mental well-being is important too. So sorry for your losses. Xx