At a loss with my 16 month old

[completelyclueless1]

Sorry in advance if this is long. I am at an absolute loss when it comes to my 16-month-old son and I need some impartial advice.

He cried constantly as a baby, then from 8 months old this morphed into low-level whining with the slightest thing tipping him over into tears. Then from 11 months tantrums started – and I do mean real tantrums. He will quickly throw himself back as hard as he can, if he’s in my arms I can hold him but he’s sat down he’ll inevitably smash his head on something. An absolute meltdown ensues, he screams and tries as hard as he can to kick me. He’s so big now, he’s 99th percentile and I can’t hold him when he’s like this.

The hardest thing is that half the time I seem to trigger it. He can be playing with his dad, his aunty or at Nursery, but as soon as he sees me he starts crying and kicking off. I know there will be a scientific reason behind this, but it hurts my heart. Every night when I pick him up from nursery he looks so happy when I look through the window, he looks up and sees me and starts crying and kicking. Me picking him up and cuddling him doesn’t help.

Everyone agrees with me that he’s difficult. I don’t know what I should be doing? When I walk away from him he doesn’t sort himself out, he just gets hysterical, he’s made himself sick before. But undivided attention doesn’t work. Nothing seems to.

I’m crying writing this. I don’t know what to do. I work full time in a very demanding job and I just feel I’m failing on all fronts. The nights I have to work late and miss his bedtime I feel relief, not guilt. What is wrong with me?

He does sleep well so I am very lucky in that instance. He also has all of his teeth except the back few molars, which I think are now on the move.

I had an emergency c-section and then a haematoma meant my wound couldn’t be sewn up so had to heal from the inside out and I was in hospital a lot – I think this robbed my of my first month with him and has affected our bonding. Is it too late to fix this?

Lots of people say he’s simply picking up on my mood, but I always start every day with good intentions and sing a song when I go into him in the morning.

Thank you for reading. It just feels good to finally put it all out there!

If you can get through all of this positivepsychologyprogram.com/attachment-theory/ then look in particular at anxious attachment.

There are criticisms of the theory but it would ring true with you having to be away from baby, through no fault of your own.

It sounds really tough for you. Keep doing what you’re doing and your child will develop greater security.

I also think some kids just get a bit overwhelmed at the end of the day at nursery and crying is how they express it.

Thank you for your kind response! Bits of it ring true, but he loves other children and is very soft with them, plus he is calmer and more relaxed with his dad and the rest of his family. It's only when I pick him up from nursery or his grandma's that he has a meltdown - he reaches for me bit when he gets to me he is angry and doesn't calm and pushes me away.

I was never really away from him physically when I was having my complications but I think maybe I was mentally. I'm not sure, it was all a bit weird?

It could be normal separation anxiety. He is closest to you so gets cross that you’ve left him. He’s fine playing then he sees you and remembers you’ve left him and gets cross. My DS definitely used to do this a bit and I recall lots of other kids too. The running to you happily at pick up time comes a bit later for some kids I think.

Thank you, it does help to hear things like that, to know it's fairly normal!

My 10 month old is generally quite cheery and easy going but he cries when I pick him up from the childminders. I also find it quite upsetting, but the childminder is very insistent that it's quite common. DH says he doesn't do it when he picks him up.

I'm sorry he does that to you - it makes me feel a bit better though, thank you!