Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to go to church on Sunday?

57 replies

SMarie123 · 12/05/2019 20:59

Hello
All,

Every time I go to see my MIL we all
Have to go to mass on a Sunday and it drives me nuts... I am not religious but I wouldn't be against people who do want to go to mass ( I think being Christian in the way you treat people is more important than showing up for a service). Anyway it is at 10am in the morning, so you can't do anything before, then the actual mass which is painful with a 3 year old and an 18 Month old. Then you have to go back to her house to change out of mass clothes, then the baby goes to
Sleep and before you know it it is 1pm and basically the day is gone.

I don't think I mentioned but my mil
Lives 2 hours away and there is nothing for young children less than 40 mins away we go up
On the Saturday morning and return before bedtime on a Sunday. It makes me cranky/ exhausted every time .... the mass is the straw that breaks the camels back though! my husband says I am being dramatic but I want to
Do something fun like go to the beach or a nearby town. What do you think?

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 13/05/2019 10:27

He can’t dictate that you go to Mass. Let them wrangle the children and hide under their covers/ take yourself off the the beach with a book.
It could be bliss.

fedup21 · 13/05/2019 10:31

DH can-take the children and do religious things with MIL if thats what he wants. If she asks why you aren’t coming, explain you aren’t religious and it’s not something you want to do.

Or, go and time your arrival with the end of church.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 13/05/2019 10:39

Hi all, I like the idea of going on the Friday and back on the Sunday but we have to leave at the crack of dawn to make the journey home in time for mass in our city....

I might be being dense, but why would you need to make it in time for mass in your city if you don’t want to go to any mass at all?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds 3 year olds Families General parenting
Hecateh · 13/05/2019 10:43

Hi all, I like the idea of going on the Friday and back on the Sunday but we have to leave at the crack of dawn to make the journey home in time for mass in our city....

Why do you need to get back in time for mass in your city?

Makes no sense with the rest of your post

Prequelle · 13/05/2019 10:48

Because her husband wants to go.

Baloonphobia · 13/05/2019 10:53

Mass with small children is torture even when you're super religious. No way would I go.

lablablab · 13/05/2019 10:54

Just send your DH and mil along to mass without you and the dc. You could take them to the playground instead of going to mass? It's a lot for young dc to sit through.

If you're not religious, I'm not sure why you're expected to go to mass?! That's very unfair.

RosaWaiting · 13/05/2019 10:54

I interpreted "mass in our city" as "lying to MIL because she thinks we go every week".

Emmapeeler · 13/05/2019 11:02

YANBU. My family all go to mass too. We do go when at my parents’ but not always and I give my kids a choice. Usually they don’t want to. I have just had to be factual with my family - sorry but we won’t be going. Now the kids are older they have started having passive aggressive conversations about who is going, drives me mad.

Don’t let your in-laws dictate how you want to bring up your kids. This includes being able to have lazy family sundays.

sue51 · 13/05/2019 14:27

I remember as a small child the misery of being dragged along to mass which in those days was still in latin. The uncomfortable clothes, being shushed every other minute, the glares from my mother when I fidgeted, I decided when I was about 10 that I would never inflict such torture on my own children.

Don't go OP. Give yourself and your children a break. I remember the relief when I dug my heels in and stopped attending. My granny prayed for my immortal soul for a bit but eventually got used to the shame of having a non attendee in the family.

NabooThatsWho · 13/05/2019 14:33

Go out and have fun with your kids. Why would you go with 2 toddlers to listen to a man in a frock rant about boring sexist rubbish for hours when you don’t even believe it?
Sounds like torture.

Life is for enjoying, you shouldn’t feel obliged to go. If your DH and MIL want to go then they can crack on.

babysharkah · 13/05/2019 15:20

I'm Catholic. I have twins. We didn't go to church (I did) until they were about 4 because quite frankly it was painful. I didn't want hen to wind up with a head injury from climbing the pew, I didn't want them to piss everyone else off, it was just stressy. Get you mil to take them if she really wants.

Emmapeeler · 13/05/2019 16:28

My granny prayed for my immortal soul for a bit but eventually got used to the shame of having a non attendee in the family

Grin Sue my mum also endured years of mass in Latin. How painful for a small child!

PolarBearBubbles · 13/05/2019 16:38

I wouldn't be taking my kids to a church service regardless of who wanted them to go.
Just tell her they're not interested, won't sit still and need to burn off some energy in the park and you'll see her afterwards. Of course you don't need to go to church just to keep someone else happy, that's crazy.

AnnieOH1 · 13/05/2019 16:41

Does your MIL believe you're all attending church weekly back home? It seems very strange to me that she expects you at church. In her position I would either skip mass that week or go alone (as your such regular visitors). I would invite you to Easter and Christmas services though I think. Her insistence you visit with her strikes me that she believes you are regular attendees. If that's the case then you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH one.

Now onto the kids, are there any others at mass? In my experience churches that don't have some form of kids provision usually are very accepting of kids noise iyswim. That said consider busy bags, quiet snacks (if not frowned upon by the priest of course) and even prizes (bribery...) if the kids behave. Okay maybe your 18 month old is too young to respond to that but the 3 year old should learn! ;) Saying that my 4 year old can suddenly become painfully loud when sat in the chapel! Thankfully for us there's plenty other kids and equally plenty of parents shushing them.

I highly recommend pipe cleaners but be warned whenever we get them out, every single child appears from every corner of the building to join in the fun!

Ces6 · 13/05/2019 16:42

I married a catholic (I'm not) and as part of the marriage preparation I agreed that he could bring up the children to go to church if he wanted - so he takes them and I have a lie in. Every now and again I join them but when I want to. Can't you just send them with your husband and MIL?

Ces6 · 13/05/2019 16:42

Or go to mass on Saturday night and have Sunday off?

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 13/05/2019 18:47

Just go up on the Friday night and back Saturday night. You don't need to do that pattern every time, so go with her at Christmas, Easter and a few in between then other months go Fri-Sun. You could cut it by half without seeming to be unreasonable, particularly if you have a few busy strategic weekend activities.

fedup21 · 13/05/2019 20:03

Hi all, I like the idea of going on the Friday and back on the Sunday but we have to leave at the crack of dawn to make the journey home in time for mass in our city

Can you explain this?

CountFosco · 13/05/2019 20:11

PILs are Catholic, MIL has tried to persuade me to go, I've always refused (atheist but brought up Presbyterian, neither will let me go to a Catholic Mass). I won't let her take the DC either (she really wants to, they get religious books every year for Christmas). DH can go if he wants, sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't.

It's your own fault for not refusing before you had children.

Namenic · 13/05/2019 20:27

Perhaps DH can take the older one to church with a book/pencils/paper and you can stay with the toddler at home? You can say that when the toddler gets older he can join too? It does seem a shame that you would stop going to visit MIL for this issue (when maybe MIL wouldn’t mind so much if it was explained that it is v tiring? - I don’t know what she’s like though!). You seem very thoughtful of your MIL which is lovely.

Ps - DH struggles to get our 2 to church when I am working and we’re Christian so should have more motivation! Kids are tough!

Original poster
SMarie123 · 13/05/2019 22:30

Hi, we don't actively lie to mil about going to mass. It would never in a million years cross her mind that we don't go. All of her other children definitely go .... or actually do they...Wink they know we don't go but wouldn't want to hurt her by saying (if you think about it what would be the point).

If she visits us (which doesn't happen often because she likes her own routine but our house is also pretty small) we do go to mass because it is at a time that suits us, it is a children's mass. We know people there from our community etc etc. also the drive and the packing to get to mil are a killer. So it is the compound affect of it all just lead to an unenjoyable trip. I have thought of going on Saturday evening but it is at 6:30 pm and it is their bedtime routine.

OP posts:
Original poster
SMarie123 · 13/05/2019 22:34

Also another thing that is stressful is we both work full time, weekends are when we do laundry and cooking. We are chasing our tail the week before and the week after. All for a weekend that is packing, driving and mass! The mass routine does not finish until 12:30/ 1pm and then we have to be on the road by 4pm.

I think the only option is Friday to Saturday evening. I can't be going that as frequently as we visit at the moment because We don't have the annual leave.

OP posts:
AChickenCalledKorma · 13/05/2019 22:38

Every 4-6 weeks is really quite frequent to visit someone that lives 2 hours away, with small children in tow. So she's doing quite well and you can give yourselves permission to stand up for the way you want to do things. And I say that as a practising Christian who will be delighted if my kids still want to come to church with me when they are grown, but recognises that is their choice, not mine.

sue51 · 13/05/2019 22:39

Just fess up and tell her you don't regularly go to mass. Sooner or later your children might let it slip and she will be cross you led her on.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread