How to help a shy child

[moreismore]

My DS (3) is very shy. At home he never stops talking, has a huge vocabulary and will try anything. In company he often shuts down completely, won’t talk, hides, refuses to join in with activities I know he loves. We have a big family and he is the first grandchild. When we meet as a group it takes him a few hours to relax around everyone. When we sang happy birthday to him with his cake he burst into tears and I had to do it again for him on our own!

I wasn’t a particularly shy child and am a confident adult so struggling to know how to help.

Current strategy is to give him loads of reassurance, take him somewhere quiet if he’s overwhelmed and gently keep trying to encourage him to join in.

I will admit though that there are times when I get totally frustrated with him and I often find myself saying ‘sorry he’s shy’ when he won’t talk to people. I have a feeling this is not helpful...

Any suggestions gratefully received! Also any further reading? Thank you

Nursery has been a game changer for my 2 year old DD's confidence.

She was very wary of other children when she first went and I made a point of talking to the staff about this and asking for help with it. They've been fantastic and DD now runs around as though she owns the place and plays with other children (and bosses them around!)

I think exposure is the best way forward in the first instance. DD had very little physical confidence as well as social confidence so I've started taking her to Tumble Tots. I don't push her much but just give her the opportunity to do the things she's wary of. I'd actually really recommend this particular class as it's one that DD and I can do together, so she has me right there while she uses the gym equipment but there are other children she can engage with if she feels like it and there's a short section of the class that is done as a group (the rest of the time the kids use the equipment individually).

I was resistant to the idea that nursery or toddler groups were important for socialising but I have to say I've seen a massive difference since we've started doing these things.

My daughter was like this from early on and still is at 6 although she will join in with kids at school a bit more.

Nursery referred her to speech and language, for a hearing test and to the educational psychologist for comprehension skills.

She was assessed as being Selective Mute when she was 4 which helped us access more support through school entry.

Thank you for the replies! I should have said he’s been at nursery 3 days a week since 8 months old. Shyness only really kicked in at around 2yrs old. I did actually try gym toys and it was a disaster. He was very reluctant and became hysterical if picked up and put on equipment. There was nothing there he and I hadn’t done lots of times at the park. I was reluctant to ‘quit’ but stopped when there was no improvement after a term.

My daughter is still very shy aged 11 and it is frustrating sometimes but she is fine once she feels relaxed in a situation or group of people. The only advice I can give you is try not to label him as shy because it becomes even more self fulfilling

bonbon yes I was concerned about this. I need to try very hard to be less English and feel I have to make excuses! What do you say in thy situation? When shyness makes your child appear bratty or rude?

Oh bless him. I think your doing the best thing by reassuring him, sometimes kids are just shy & will come out of there shell when they are ready. I agree nursery may help him. I was such a shy child, I used to hide in my own house as a toddler when people came round. It wasn’t until my teens I became more confident. Best tip ever, don’t push him too far out of his comfort zone, he relies on you to feel safe & secure. 😁

I have a family member who cried at their 3rd and 4th birthday cake cutting. We've just had their 6th and they thoroughly enjoyed standing in the middle of the room being sang to, so please don't despair. Keep up with the reassurance and gentle encouragement. Show him you are proud of him whatever he is doing.

Please try not to label him shy, I can remember feeling my parents embarrassment at me being shy, it just made me worse, once they'd told people I was shy I couldn't speak. People who matter shouldn't judge you on whether he is shy, they should help him feel as ease and help bring him along.

Ok, thank you all. I am reassured and also going to make a lot more effort not to use the word ‘shy’ and not to apologise for him.