Can i ask how much time you spent together as a couple?

[Curtains14]

My DH is suffering from depression which has been going on for many years (although only just started getting help)

The help isn’t really helping and at the moment he is saying that our family life and the amount of time we spend together as a couple is the main cause.

We have a 14 mo DC and I co-sleep with her as still breastfeeding and tbh it’s the only way I can get sleep. I have also recently started back at work and tend to take DD up to bed about 8 and then stay up there with her and then fall asleep myself about 9 as i am so tired.

DH watches tv downstairs then goes in the spare room to sleep. I know this isn’t ideal but it won’t be forever.

In terms if time together sometimes at the weekend I have to beg him to do family stuff. I quite often get up of a weekend and take DD for breakfast on my own.

He’s started making me feel really guilty about everything but this parenting lark isn’t exactly easy.

I have spoken to a few people in work and although their DCs are older and they share a bed together as a couple they said they don’t spend much time together as couple as you just don’t have the time or they can’t get a baby sitter.

Before having our DD we would literally come home from work, I would make tea and then we would watch tv together until 11pm. Then at the weekend we would go for food or the pub but times have changed!!!

I am just interested in how much time other people with young children spend together and also advice on how we can change things?

We spend an hour or two together most evenings after dc are in bed. During the week we’re usually working (but at least in the same room, it’s not exactly quality time though). On the weekends we might talk and watch tv.

I think the key is freeing up your evenings together. Co-sleeping is great. We co-slept with our first for 3.5 years and 2nd for a bit over a year. But you’ll go mad if you can literally not leave the room after you put them to bed. I would look to find a solution to that. Either put the mattress on the floor so it’s safe and creep away or use a cot in the evenings. We also moved everything else out of the bedroom and pushed a double and single together. So my dh always slept with us.

Having at least weekend evenings alone to relax is really important. You may also find that your dd’s sleep improves with some help from your dh (if he’s present and helping during the night instead of retreating to the spare room), which will make things easier for everyone and mean you all get more sleep.

We have two very young children (16 months & 7 weeks) but we try to spend a few hours together in the evening and weekends as a family.

I agree with PP, try freeing up your evenings together. Have you considered moving your DD into a cot?

We have the same problem. One of us takes DS to bed and then we’re stuck because he’s so clingy. The other person watches tv downstairs alone. We can’t even sleep together - I have to sleep with DS because I’m breastfeeding and he wakes up multiple times so it’s the only way I get any sleep. At weekends we’re both tired and want a break so we still can’t be together as one of us always has to look after DS while the other rests. It’s very isolating, we literally only see each other while we eat our tea. I’m not sure what the solution is, other than to wait it out and keep trying to make DS sleep through.

I wouldn't be happy with your set up. Have you tried training your dd to sleep in her own room?

I think it’s vital to make a bit of effort to maintain your relationship even when the kids are young.

Co-sleeping is fine but you need an hour or two in the evenings when the baby is in bed and you are downstairs. And he needs to do family stuff with you at the weekend. Can you suggest you will make an effort to free an hour in the evenings if he makes an effort at weekends?

Can you get a sitter once a month and have a night out together? DH and I make sure to do that as we talk much more when our rather than home with TV and phones.

You need to switch off the TV and talk!

Fuck that OP, don't take responsibility for this situation! If your DH can't be arsed to engage in family stuff on the weekend like hell would I be giving up cosleeping when you've just gone back to work and things are probably being held together by a thread anyway.
If he wants couple time he needs to engage in family life in order to share the load, then maybe you'll have enough energy to sit up with him.

My kids always slept in their own room, and I was pretty strict about the night time routine: bath, read a book (did it from very very young) cuddle then bed (feed if still nursing) while they were still awake. Lights out and that was it. My daughter didn’t go down so easily but after she was three months and discovered her thumb it was much better. Gave then a feed before I went to bed at 11. Hopefully they’d sleep til morning but my son was always (still is at 15) an early riser.
This meant that from about 7.30pm to bed it was grown up time. My husband didn’t usually come home til 8 but goodness I needed that adult time to keep my sanity and to keep us connected as a couple. Weekends we were together all of us though my husband did do a lot of travelling. As kids got older he’d take them off swimming saturdays to give me a break. Only annoying thing was he went the gym every morning at 6am (7am on weekends) when I would have loved us to laze around a bit and just mooch about getting breakfast. But small annoyance. Sadly he died after seven years of marriage.
My advice to you is to get your child on a routine where you can have several hours child free with your husband. And talk to each other. Depression is difficult and he must seem ‘absent’ to you even when he’s there. You are doing the best you can but I think you need to reconnect with your husband and disconnect a bit from your child.

Our DC are 5, 3 and 4 months. 5 and 3 year olds are in bed at 7 and the 4 month old tends to settle in his sleepyhead in the living room with us at around 7.30 so we have a couple of hours every evening together. We’re usually pretty exhausted though so tend to just eat dinner together then veg out!
We haven’t been out in the evening together since DC3 was born as he’s BF but I was just thinking actually that as he usually settles at 7.30pm until 10.30pm ish we could probably ask my mum to babysit and get out for a few hours one evening.
Sometimes at the weekend we’ll make a special effort to have no phones/TV etc and eat in the dining room with a nice bottle of wine and just chat. It’s nice.

But yes, DH is also very actively involved in family life in the evenidbs/weekends and it doesn’t sound like yours is. I’d be less inclined to stay up late chatting with DH if he was then getting a lie in while I looked after the DC the next morning!

I am in the same situation with a depressed DH albeit my children are older-but we failed to prioritise us time and are reaping what we have sown-and are now having to work hard to bring ourselves together again-so don’t leave it too late x

I am an older parent. I think sleeping together is important as it keeps you both connected just snuggling up together after a long day. Our DC would usually go down ok so we would spend a few hours together most evenings . I would be looking forward to that part of the day to have time together.
Then DC would come into our bed during the night if they woke but we never did separate beds. Your relationship sounds very split off. I know you are taking care of your child but how would you feel if dh went off to bed every night leaving you sitting at the TV alone. Seems like you are not that keen to be alone with him.
But often when people are depressed they blame someone else as they want to find a reason. So it could be that too.
Our DC have left home now and it's good we are used to having that time together so now we watch movies, sit up in bed and read and generally just hang out together.

Its definitely more difficult OP. We have 2 DSs, 3 and 7 months. DS1 is a great sleeper, 7.30 -7 so we did have time for ourselves in the evenings before DS2 arrived and would go out etc. DS2 is not a great sleeper and at the moment he stays downstairs with one of us holding him but then at least we sit on the sofa and watch TV/chat. We're planning to put him into a bedtime routine soon as I'd love a bit of childfree time in the evenings now. I know he's going to be much harder than DS1 but hopefully the effort will be worth it?! Can you have a couple of evenings cuddling her on sofa so you can at least spend a bit of time together or will she not sleep?

I think (veteran of 4DC, one of whom is 4 months old and co-sleeping as he is a rotten sleeper!) you simply have to carve out different ways of spending time together when you have young children.

We tend to spend quality time together in the mornings, DS has his morning nap (which is usually his most relaxed, non clingy time of day!), the older children go downstairs to watch cartoons and we will hang out in our room, have coffee, chat, shag, eat toast in bed.

Long family walks are another favourite way of ours to get some time in together, the baby naps in the sling, the older ones scooter off ahead, we chat, or just walk holding hands.

Evenings, we go to bed together. Yes, often at 8pm. I'm pretty sure that this is one of the reasons we are so good together. We have a TV in our room for once DS has gone to sleep, or I let DS sleep in the sling on me until 11 when I go to bed and DP and I play a video game.