Parenting after being a carer

[cat234]

I wasn't sure where best to post this, I'm not a parent, but I was hoping that someone/people may have had a similar type concern or situation and be able to let me know how they coped with it.

I'm in my 30s, with a long term partner and we have been discussing having children. I've also helped with caring for my mum for the last 10 or so years, with a degenerative condition. I no longer live at home, but still help provide care for my mum who has multiple complex needs fairly often, and support my dad with this.

I always assumed I would have children at some point, with the right person and time. But now it's come to it being sooner rather than later, I've sort of got cold feet.

I think my worries and feelings are that I've spent the last 10 years 'caring', helping with toileting, washing, feeding etc. I'm scared I won't be able to manage with more or this. I also have a job which has a high degree of burnout and compassion fatigue associated with it. I feel I cope well at work, but I think that may be a contributing factor as well.

I've struggled to articulate my feelings to my partner - mainly because i can't fully rationalise them to myself. I think I'm worried I'd resent children making me do more 'caring'. l feel like that part of me is worn out. Or would it be different because they would be mine, and they will grow and develop, rather than me having to see the steady decline I have with my mum?

I don't expect anyone to have an answer for me - just wondered if anyone had any similar experiences to share? Im also becoming acutely aware I'm getting older and older, and need to make a decision for my partners sake as well, as he needs to know of its a when, or never for children.
Thanks

I think you need to have a conversation with your mums gp and tell them your concerns. It’s your duty as a daughter to care ABOUT your mum not to care FOR her at the expense of your life.

I was a carer for my dad for 10 years and I now have two kids. When I found out I was pregnant with my first I was petrified about how he would cope and how I’d cope without that role. It helped that he was so excited about being a Grandad and he was supportive of me moving out etc. Obviously I still look out for him but I don’t do half of the things I used to. His gp was brilliant, got him assessed by an occupational therapist, she got him involved with a day center and groups. But his needs sound different to your mums.

I also bought a book called something like ‘selfish pigs guide to being a carer’. It helped me manage my guilt of moving on from that role so much, so every now and again I journal the shitty feeling when I get when my dad isn’t doing as well and I can’t just drop everything like I would of done.

I hope this helps xxx. Pm if you like.