Struggling bonding

[Ploddingalongthroughlife]

Hi guys..
I'm sorry I'm new to the world of parenting. Me and my partner have just adopted three boys 11weeks ago.. And I feel like such an awful parent saying this but I am struggling so bad with the eldest,
He is so nasty at times and violent towards his bothers and myself, he will literally ignore me for days, make lies up about me to his teachers at school, he has started to become 'babyish' in the way that he has regressed and will talk and act like a baby. He needs to be fed and clothed. I'm really struggling because the two younger brothers seem so happy and content being with us. The eldest has even turned around and just started calling me by my name not 'daddy' anymore. It's heartbreaking.. I feel like I just either can't or refusing to bond with him now I feel I have tried so hard and got nothing back.
What should I do.?

This is a tricky situation and not one I'm familiar with but my advice to any parent with difficulty bonding at various ages would be 1:1 time. Maybe he feels unsafe, probably old enough to feel abandoned. Maybe even struggling with just growing up and changing (this happens at loads of different stages)

Find something he likes doing and do it with him, preferably away from the others

Don't worry about the "daddy" thing, it's just an easy way for him to show how he's feeling. Respond to him and act like it's ok, don't fight against it. The bigger battle is the negative behaviour.

Is he old enough to talk about his feelings with you? Do you have any support like counselling?

How old are they?
Calling you daddy after 11 weeks seems very quick.
Can the services who helped with adopting advice at all?

Also is he ok at school? Assuming new school, that can be difficult keep in regular contact with his teachers. If he has a friend organise some get together

None of this will solve the problem but 11weeks is nothing really.

Also there's an adoption page on here if you use the search you will find it and fine other parents who've been through it.

This is totally normal with adoption. He will likely have attachment issues and is very confused right now. The regressing to babyhood may be his only way of feeling comfortable enough to receive affection, while the other aspects of his behaviour are him trying to push you away or test to see if you really love him or both.

Do you know his history with father figures? That might shed some light.

Don't worry. Its still very early days. As much as you can, be calm and gentle with him while maintaining consistency with boundaries. Don't let him push you away. Remain consistent and loving.

For discipline I'd recommend the Nurtured heart approach by Howard Glasser. All children flourishing is a great book he's written. The method was especially developed for difficult children and those who have been through trauma. I can't recommend it highly enough.

I agree wholeheartedly with @motortroll some good advice re: 1:1 time. Something that he enjoys and that you can do together. I think it's very new and still early days, so please don't lose heart. What you have done is incredible for these children and though they aren't old enough to fully understand/ appreciate it, things will get easier.

Please remember to go easy on yourself, none of us get it right 100% of the time, and it takes time to adjust to being a parent.

You need to get advice from adoption specialists. Presumably your social workers will be able to advise?

I would just say that 11 weeks is no time at all. It's a massive adjustment, and you should not have any expectations about "getting anything back". At this stage it's about getting to know each other and getting used to each other. There are clear reasons for your eldest's behaviour. He's not behaving the way he is to deliberately hurt you - he is in an incredibly vulnerable place and doesn't know how to express any of that.

I'm no expert so won't try to give advice but definitely ask the people on the adoption board. They are very knowledgable and supportive. Nobody will give you a hard time for this because I think the way you feel is totally normal in the circumstances. Try to remember that your eldest ds is acting out of pain and big feelings, not malice.

We did the long transition so we started meeting the boys back in November we legally adopted them 11 weeks ago. The LA that they are from made the boys call us dad and daddy straight away due to not confusing them too much.
I've tried everything, taking him swimming, taking the dogs out, bike rides you name it I've tried it. He's just miserable when he's around me and it's draining the life out of me. The LA and our social worker have said that it is normal for this to happen but I just feel so negative around him.
At school he's fine but then as soon as he gets in the car he has a meltdown over anything.. It could be I have my window open or the music is too loud or we have stopped at a red light. The boys are 5,4&3.

It is deep seated emotional issues that won't be fixed with bike rides. Make sure to take care of yourself emotionally and come back refreshed to deal with him in a positive way. This is going to be a long ride, 11 weeks is nothing. This is a little human being who has been through far too much in his short life already and he needs you to be strong and consistent and show that you can weather his storms.

Sounds like he’s testing you.

It makes sense. Could he be protecting himself? Pushing you away before you push him away - because that’s probably something that adults in his life have done in the past?

Try not to take it personally, even though it undoubtedly and understandably feels very personal. If he is testing you then he needs to know that your intention to be a caring parent to him will not change, no matter how badly he behaves (although of course you’ll want to put firm boundaries in place).

I don't have any advice but for context, my just gone 6 year old is prone to meltdowns, she is my biological child but after a long day at school would easily chuck a tanty over the things you describe.

Don't take these things personally, I doubt that is how they are intended.

I also agree that he may be acting like a baby because he is seeking out further attention, my DD also started doing that when her little bother was born, she was unsure of her place despite us being a perfectly traditional family and spending heaps of extra time with her and so was seeking reassurance that we would do what was needed to look after her even with a new baby in our home.

Try to remember he probably has feelings of rejection from his birth parents or foster parents. It’s hard for a child to trust & invest emotionally in anybody else after they feel rejected. My advice would be have one on one time, respect his space-don’t force yourself on him & do things he likes to do together. Just give him time. How old is he?