Are all children inherently selfish?

[FleurNancy]

I sometimes wonder whether I've failed to adequately teach my children to think about the impact of their actions on others around them but I don't know whether I'm expecting adult values of small children. Two most recent examples are

1. My 6 year old wanted a drink after his lunch (we were in the car travelling). I handed him my water bottle and he drank from it promptly backwashing the entire bottle with bits of chewed up sandwich from his mouth. Next time I'll bring his own water bottle and make him carry it in a bag himself but am I expecting too much of him not to think things through?
2. I was at the beach with 6 year old and 8 year old yesterday. They were running around playing but kept screaming really loudly at each other. I must have asked them to stop 4-5 times but they just reverted back each time. It wasn't overly busy but I was really conscious that the few other people there probably didn't want screeching children disturbing their afternoon.

My own parents were very heavy on the making decisions based around what other people might think so perhaps I'm conditioned this way. Are my expectations of my children too high or should they be more considerate of others?

The backwash thing is probably more to do with the 6 year old not being very skilled at drinking out of a bottle. Young children are famous for that. As for the beach incident, that behaviour definitely needs to be addressed. If I had been on that beach with you, I would have been beyond irritated. Loud screaming and screeching anywhere is simply not acceptable. It's rude and very disturbing. You shouldn't be "asking" them to quiet down, you need to tell them. If they continue there needs to be consequences such as a time out on the blanket. If they still carry on then you need to leave. Fun day at the beach is over because of their behaviour. Teaching your children to be considerate is one of life's most important lessons.

I was furious with them. I didn't ask, I told them and I was that parent hissing through my teeth "I told you to STOP screaming". They listen for all of two minutes and then start again. I got sick of saying it over and over again and we left.

They just don't seem to care about anything except their own little world. Another example is the standard putting shoes/coats/whatever on before we go anywhere. Matters not if I give them 15 minutes warning, 2 minutes warning or somewhere in between I just can't seem to get them to understand that if I ask them to do something, I want them to do it the first time I ask. I've explained this to them so many times I sound like a stuck record yet still they don't do it. They just don't think about how their actions impact upon others.

Matters not if I give them 15 minutes warning, 2 minutes warning or somewhere in between I just can't seem to get them to understand that if I ask them to do something, I want them to do it the first time I ask. I've explained this to them so many times I sound like a stuck record yet still they don't do it.

Ok, but what are the CONSEQUENCES for them ignoring your instructions? Clearly just telling them something over and over and over isn't working. You need to put meaning behind your directives. Don't let them walk all over you.

I don't think you can really be annoyed at the water bottle one. The beach one, they were probably just over excited. If the noise was that bad that you felt you needed to stop them, maybe make them sit down separately for 10 minutes but it sounds like they were just playing. Not putting shoes/coat on when asked, it's annoying but I don't think it's selfish. They are probably just caught up in something else. It's frustrating but I do think part of parenting is repeating yourself a lot. They do get 'trained' eventually. Maybe on the second time of telling them, give them a consequence for not doing what you ask such as losing a toy or losing screen time. They'll get better though.

I think most of this is pretty standard for primary-aged kids. Yes it needs addressing so they don’t grow up to be obnoxious, but the thoughtlessness is pretty normal. I remember being that age and my DM spending most of her life shouting at us, we both grew up to be polite, caring, thoughtful adults.

You're expecting a 6 year old to understand backwash, empathize with you and control it? Yeah, no.

The screaming thing. I'm in two minds. I think children should be allowed to be noisy and active outdoors. Although I tend to choose deserted beaches in December. I also look at the other people and judge it. Older, quiet couples? Kid needs to be very considerate. A bunch of kids, dogs and chaos? Have at it!

We are all products of our upbringing.
You think a certain way because that’s what you’ve been taught.
The water bottle thing is not selfish at all!
My youngest still cringes at drinking from an older sibs bottle at the airport and filling it with crisps. It’s normal.
As for the beach, well , laughing and making noise is normal and healthy but I would take offence if they were being intrusive.
In every situation you have to think are your kids pissing others off.
Kids are inherently selfish, their little worlds are limited

Yes, kids are inherently selfish. Thinking of others is something that we learn.

Sounds as though the 6 year old was thoughtless and didn't think through the consequences (or doesn't have the skills not to backwash).

As for the screaming... I think I would have left, just like you did, saying that they cut short the activity by behaving that way. If for some reason they did it deliberately (did they want to be out walking at the beach?) I'd consider additional consequences.

Kids are egocentric at that age but you are talking about general behaviour. Kids on beaches tend to be excited. Just find a position on the beach where they can be excited and not disturb.