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Original poster

I really want to work but DS isn't settling at preschool

23 replies

PlaygroupDilema · 02/05/2019 14:00

My mental health hasn't been it's best after 4 years as a SAHM. I have been looking for work for a while and was offered a job recently which is 3 days a week and school time hours. Perfect! Everyone is being very cooperative in allowing my youngest DS to settle into preschool/playgroup (2.9). Everyone except my DS

He's resisting even a morning session at preschool.. never mind both morning AND after sessions which is the goal!

It's only been a few days to be fair and work have said I can update them in another week but at the end of the day, how long are they willing to wait! I'm gutted because I REALLY wanted this job and they're such a lovely team but I'm feeling more and more like I'm going to have to accept that I can't take the job

Any tips on settling in? Do I stick at it? Would you have given in by now? Work are being lovely and accommodating but I fear that next week my update will be that there hasn't been much progress.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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SpeckledDot · 02/05/2019 14:06

It will take for him to get used to it; you have to be patient

SpeckledDot · 02/05/2019 14:06

Time*

Stuckforthefourthtime · 02/05/2019 14:12

It's only a few days. And remember that it's a big change for you too, so he'll be picking up on your nerves/excitement/preoccupation as well.
Very very few children settle immediately at nursery. My ds2 took nearly 2 months and I was ready to quit my job, before he suddenly turned it around. He's old enough that he might have been starting soon even if you weren't back at work, he's not a tiny baby, and so long as the nursery workers are kind and supportive, he should find his feet soon.

Congratulations on your new job, it will work out!

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INeedNewShoes · 02/05/2019 14:12

The more time he spends there , the sooner he'll settle. Your best bet would be to just get on with it and put him in for his 3 days. It's par for the course that he'll be upset to leave you at first. As long as you trust the staff, just go for it.

It took my DD a good couple of months to settle at nursery. Always a fuss at drop off time but within minutes she's happy and engaged in an activity. Now, six months down the line she's definitely happy. My measure of this is that she chatters happily in the car on the way home.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 02/05/2019 14:13

If you can, get your Dh (or mum or other carer) to drop him off too. It usually makes separation much less painful all round!

ineedaholidaynow · 02/05/2019 14:15

Would you have been sending him to preschool at 3 anyway?

I would give him a bit more time. Is he just upset when he gets there or does he stay upset whilst there?

If preschool doesn't work out would a childminder do instead?

Original poster

PlaygroupDilema · 02/05/2019 15:41

INeedNewShoes This was my plan but they've had to call me twice now to collect him after an hour of trying to settle him so it's not like I can even go to work and trust that he'll settle... I will persist though.

Thank you! Stuckforthefourthtime yes, I just hope work are patient. That's the only reason this feels more stressful than it needs to be. Unfortunately I have no help but thanks for the suggestion. The teachers are so lovely and I can't fault them at all. I just wish time was on my side.

ineedaholidaynow yes he would have been starting in September anyway, although probably just for the morning rather than morning and afternoon sessions (6hrs total). He is upset as soon as I go to leave and doesn't stop crying.

I've considered a childminder but I'm hoping it doesn't have to come to that because it's more expensive for us and secondly it will interfere with my DD's school drop off. It's not impossible, just slightly impractical as her school is next door to preschool!

Thanks for the replies. Tomorrow's a new day and perhaps he'll surprise me... I've just bought him "special preschool shoes" (he loves shoes)

OP posts:

INeedNewShoes · 02/05/2019 15:46

Aha! I bought DD some shiny 'nursery' shoes. Certainly did the trick for her! I made a big thing about her being able to show certain staff her new shoes and she went on willingly that day

MumUnderTheMoon · 02/05/2019 15:51

I agree that you just have to keep persisting. I think it's odd that they keep ringing you though, I worked in a nursery once and we had a little girl that cried solidly for days but we never rang her mum. Have you spoken to them about it and asked why they are ringing you. Sometimes you have to give them permission to persist maybe on the flip side they would face angry parents if they persisted all day in trying to comfort a child so their a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Myusernameisunique · 02/05/2019 15:54

Why are they calling you to come and get him? The nursery workers should be able to handle a child that can't settle, usually by trying different techniques and strategies such as distraction, cuddles etc. Your DS will never settle if they throw in the towel after an hour and call you to come back. I'd probably be considering another nursery if the staff at this one can't cope to be honest OP. It must be so stressful for you. At the end of the day as well you need to work and DS needs to learn that and that mummy will come back. It'll set him up better for future experiences as well such as starting school.

RaveOn · 02/05/2019 16:01

My DS hated preschool too (although he had additional needs which didn't help). He went 5 afternoons a week for a whole term and still didnt settle. I pulled him out in the end and he went to a different setting.

hazeyjane · 02/05/2019 16:04

I worked in a nursery once and we had a little girl that cried solidly for days but we never rang her mum. sorry, but I think that is awful.

The nursery workers should be able to handle a child that can't settle, usually by trying different techniques and strategies such as distraction, cuddles etc. Your DS will never settle if they throw in the towel after an hour and call you to come back.

This really isn't true, sometimes it is impossible to distract/cuddle a child out of their distress...different things work for different children and sometimes it takes a few sessions with a parent/carer and gradually withdrawing.

I hope you can work out a solution OP, one that works for work and your ds.

Original poster

PlaygroupDilema · 02/05/2019 16:16

INeedNewShoes that's good to hear, fingers crossed!!

MumUnderTheMoon and Myusernameisunique. I'm not sure why tbh... I just assumed that was the norm? They did say they worry that if it's not dealt with sensitively and slowly it could be traumatic for him and affect how he settles in going forward. Do you think I should ask them to try for longer then?

OP posts:

Original poster

PlaygroupDilema · 02/05/2019 16:20

RaveOn what different setting did your DS go to? Did he settle better?

hazeyjane see they do cuddle him but it doesn't calm him. They said he will sit on their lap etc. but won't budge and will wimper for me so yes even that didn't settle him... I'll go in with him again tomorrow morning and disappear "to the toilet" every now and then and see how he gets on. Thank you, I really hope this works out but ultimately he comes first and I fear I'll have to give up the job if things don't improve. We shall see!

OP posts:

funnystory · 02/05/2019 16:30

A few days is nothing, stuck with it and, I know it's hard, but try not to feel guilty about it all. My dd started nursery when she was 2 and I had to go back to pick her up a few tunes at the start because she was upset and wouldn't settle. It took her quite a while to settle in and even now (8 months later) we still have some days when she gets upset going in. But also some days when we're at home and she asks to go to nursery.

It's a horrible time and I really wondered if I was doing the right thing at the time, so I know exactly how you feel. I just wanted to say to you that I'm so glad we stuck at it, I love the balance of working part time and I think dd is getting lots out of being at nursery, and I'm sure things will work out the same for you, just be prepared to give it some time.

HappyHedgehog247 · 02/05/2019 16:32

Sometimes a change in setting works. Would a childminder be an option?

EsmeeMerlin · 02/05/2019 16:36

My eldest ds struggled with nursery and we had the happyland preschool set and we would play with that so he knew what to expect. It helped him, as did books.

mindutopia · 02/05/2019 17:33

It’s very normal for it to take awhile. Both of mine started younger, but I would say it took a good 2 months until it got easier. You just have to stick with it.

Do you have a partner? Can your partner take off some time to help so you can focus on your work? My dh took 1 day off a week for the first 5 weeks with our youngest starting nursery, meaning we only had to send him 2 days to start (with 1 day at home with dh and 2 days at home with me), then added days from there up to full time.

Original poster

PlaygroupDilema · 02/05/2019 18:23

Thanks funnystory that's really encouraging.

OP posts:

Cutesbabasmummy · 02/05/2019 18:24

Bloody hello I would have gone mental if my child had cried solidly all day and no one had phoned me! They used to ring and tell me DS was ok and that he had settled and I was welcome to phone as often as I liked.

Original poster

PlaygroupDilema · 02/05/2019 18:26

Good idea EsmeeMerlin I'll definitely do some role play.

Thank you mindutopia it's reassuring to hear others have been in the same position. I do have a partner but he has used up most of his annual leave and we need to save some for the school holidays. I'll have to see if his work will allow him to take some unpaid days off as it may be a big help even if it does impact us financially.

OP posts:

MumUnderTheMoon · 03/05/2019 18:31

I think settling in days upset things tbh. You could sit down with the nursery and have a chat. Tell them that you are happy for them to persevere. And agree between you what you think is too distressed. Have you spent time there with him? Could you get him a special teddy or school bag? How is his level of understanding? Can you talk to him about it? With dd short simple instructions were best in this case. You are going to nursery mummy will pick you up. Make a chart to use at nursery and if he has a whole week of no crying then he can choose a treat. What ever way you decide to go about it you have to persist because he needs to be away from you sometimes it's better to do it now than at school. Just make sure you get the nursery on side and if they won't persist you could see if there is another nursery that will support you better?

Di11y · 06/05/2019 17:00

your dh will hopefully be granted parental leave for this to allow you to start your job.

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