Advice for going from 1 child to 2

[BelleEtoile]

DS2 is due in 2 weeks. DS1 is 2 years old.
Has anyone any practical advice for going from one child to two. DS1 is in nursery one day a week (nursery is oversubscribed so no hope of extra days)

DH works long hours and works away alot. He will be here for 2 days for the labour.
I don't have any family support (I naively thought I would but that's not going to materialise) and no friends nearby.

DH has suggested I hire a night nanny or maternity nurse. I don't know if I could get one where I live (rurally) and I believe they can be very expensive and I feel I should be able to cope myself. Plus the house is a mess (I had a cleaner but she is recovering from illness) and I can't imagine what it's going to be like when DS2 arrives 🤦🏼‍♀️

I have enough dinners in the freezer for about a week.

I would like to try BF (I couldn't with DS1) but I can't see how I could while minding a toddler. I really can't understand how anyone can manage with 2 kids, it seems so impossible and overwhelming. I would really appreciate any advice or wisdom.
Please please help me as I already feel overwhelmed.

In my opinion, what will keep you sane is good double buggy that suits your lifestyle and a few good RL mum friends with similarly aged children. Probably you already have these?

Regarding the breastfeeding, snuggle with both kids while you're getting the feeding established, have a pile of picture books handy, or watch some cartoons together. Chat with the older one about feeding the baby (if they are interested) or just about the books/cartoons if they're not.

Don't worry, your 'new normal' will emerge in time. Be as kind to yourself as possible, especially for the first few months.

Hey do you mind if I follow.. I'm pregnant again and my DS is only 4 months I'll be due when he is 12 months and the anxiety is seriously keeping me awake at night

My top tip:
Don't feel guilty over your choices if it makes life easier for a little bit.

Let the toddler watch tv so you can breastfeed the baby.
Eat pizza and chips for a week. As long as you're all fed.
Give bf a go but if it's killing you (mentally or physically) don't feel guilty for it not working out.

Practical tips to prepare:
Read up about safe co sleeping now. It might not be in your plan but better to know how to do it safely rather than wing it after days of no sleep.
Meals in the freezer is great.
Prepare an online grocery shop now (if you're not too rural for that) for pre prepared food (veg that just needs microwaving in its bag is amazing!), nappies, wipes, loo roll etc. Add a weeks worth of easy cook meals. Then you can easily re-buy the same order when the baby is here, without needing to think about it.
Join breastfeeding groups on fb, someone will usually be around to offer help if you need it.

You'll be fine. You just cope.
I'm in a similar position, expecting DC3 soon so also placemarking for more tips

Hi OP, I have 2 who are 14 months apart and only really started coming out of the "fog" when youngest was 6 months really.

If you have a garden just plan days and easy activities for the toddler out there, especially as it's coming up to summer.

I know people say if you can get out every day even just to the shop then you will feel better - but I didn't really find that true. The effort it takes to set the double buggy up, sort it around feed times and nap time or meal time for toddler to minimise tantrums, nappy changes etc honestly it's just not worth it some days just for some bread.

In the early days set your expectations extremely low. You will be fucking knackered being up half the night (at best) with newborn and then up with toddler all day. Get by with the bare minimum of cleaning etc.

You will be tired and stressed. Don't beat yourself up too much if you have a snap at husband or toddler. Or even baby for the 10th time screaming that night. You're only human doing your best.

Plan plan plan. If you want to go out one day plan it in advance. I even had to plan to get to a play group for toddler in the mornings and would get all clothes and bag ready the night before.

When your DH is home make sure you hand them both over when you need the rest and actually try and rest. Let him deal with them both for a while because if you can get some rest you will need it.

Good luck! It's not all bad honestly it is lovely, just very tiring at the very beginning.

I was looking for tips too. Definitely get a house cleaner/house keeper.

Put your child’s name on the waiting list for extra days and ask nursery if she can go info more days when other children in her room are on holiday.

Get a sling! I had less than 19 months between mine and ebf and it was fine. Baby was in the sling and happily slept also and fed in there so I could get on with jobs, taking older child places etc.

House work can wait and children are happy to eat easy food ie oven food.

Although I have family and friends they didn't particularly help but I don't remember needing them.

It's harder with the second as you can't as easily catch up on sleep - both of mine stopped napping at about 20/22 months old so I couldn't even nap when they did.

You will find the older one can be very helpful. Bringing nappies, getting clean clothes etc.

One thing that I always found the most useful was having a second (cheap) bouncing chair kept in the bathroom. That way baby was always with me. Even more important if you don't want to leave the toddler alone with a baby to go for a wee/bath.

18 month age gap here.
Lower all standards for 6 months. If everybody's fed and nobody's dead you're winning.
Get a cleaner. Ours comes once a week for 3 hours and I loved her for helping me to not live in a shithole in the first little while.

Let the toddler watch way more TV than you think is OK. It will save your sanity with a cluster feeding newborn & you can reign back in on screen time when you get out of the newborn fog.
Healthy, easy to eat with one hand food in cupboard & fridge. I lived on Oat Bars. Boiled eggs peeled and in fridge are also easy filling snack for you and toddler. Thermos of tea/coffee in morning so it's ready for you all day.
Know that the tiredness is a special kind of hell for the first few months. But then it gets easy again. And very cute watching them really get to know each other and develop as siblings.

What kept me sane was getting out for walks ( I had a horrible large tandem- but that's another story). There are some good baby jogger style double pushchairs and getting out and about can really lift you and ds1 will benefit getting out and about. It certainly made my life easier. In nice weather I'd take a 'picnic'. I'd also go to a parent/ toddler group once a week and chat with other mum's. There will be others there in similar situation to you and it helps to see you are not alone.
I used to involve my DS as much as possible as pp suggested by passing nappies etc.
One thing I couldn't have lived without was a travel cot in the living room. Ideal when baby outgrows Moses basket and was ideal as a safe play pen as baby was sitting up and learning.

Some good tips!
Echo the double buggy (nipped we have) and sling.

I hope your dh is back for more than 2 days! You works really benefit from help if not, friend or family.

Eat rubbish and watch TV as you need to and relax on your perfect first born!
Ours are now 3 and 5 and the best little mates it's SO sweet and worth it

Out n about nipper not "nipped"

Also, second getting a sling. I

Another sling fan!

Get a cleaner

Don't worry about house looking amazing just survive

Try get out in the mornings, get a double buggy and go for walks, to the park, soft play whatever you can face!

Breastfeeding I found fine (had a one year old? And could do one handed so could play with my DD at same time or get her a snack etc. The only thing I never mastered one handing was spreading on butter/bread.

You will be ok, some days are rough but be kind on yourself x

I have a 2 year age gap so know what it's like.

Being honest, this is what I did:
DH was home for the first 5 weeks
DS1 was with the childminder 4 days a week for the first 4 weeks
I had a c-section so physically did bugger all for the first couple of weeks other than feed the baby and sleep when I could
I bottle fed
I didn't hoover for about 8 weeks

After the first month, I was on my own with them both and it was just a case of winging it through every day. DH did condensed hours so he was home 3 days a week. We kept DS1 in the childminder for a day a week and on that day I blitzed the housework etc while DS2 slept.

We got out as much as we physically could. The house doesn't get as messy and it's easier to ignore itif you're out every day. We also watched a lot of paw patrol while DS2 was feeding.

I remember that summer he was born now quite fondly looking back. But at the time I remember thinking it was a good day when we'd got to 5pm (when DH got home) and managed without a break down from one of the kids or me. A second child does slot into life surprisingly easy enough and now 4 years on, none of us know any different.

Thank you so much for all the lovely replies. I'm so glad I am not at alone.
I've a sling that DS1 hated and I loved so hopefully it will work with DS2.
I also have a cosleeper beside cot from DS1 which was a godsend.
I have DS1 on the nursery waiting list for any additional time even holidays.
Hopefully the cleaner will be back to full health next week.
I really must look into the double buggy. I thought I might just use a boogy board with my icandy but I think you are all right about a proper double.
It's the allconsuming tiredness I am dreading the most

I tried the buggy board & icandy combination. It didnt work and i ended up geting a double buggy for a year. The age gap was 17 months though.
Age gap this time is nearly 2.5yrs and DC2 has been out of the buggy for a while now, so won't be getting a double this time. It depends on your DC1 but you could get away without a double. And there are always loads on the local selling groups if you do change your mind once the baby is here.

It's easier having a baby and a toddler than it is being pregnant with a toddler.

Yes to TV.

"this too shall pass" - it'll go by faster than you can imagine!
Lots of stickers occupied my toddler to get the baby to nap

OP is your DP really only coming back for 2 days of birth?

Thanks for the reply. @teafordad, yes he will be home for 2 days definitely. He should be working locally or from home for a few days after that but not 100% sure.

Agree with everything said here about double buggy, sling TV etc.

I also found it helpful to stock up on loads of little presents/activities for DD (2.5). So from the pound shop and Tiger, stickers, crayons/puzzles, etc, that I would deploy for distraction at difficult moments!

What sort of hours does your DH work? It is all do-able without help, but you do sound fairly isolated from friends etc, and I wonder if there's more support you could put in place? I know night nurses etc are expensive, but how about a local student or teenager who could do mother's help for a couple of hours a day, maybe around tea time, bath time, when things can get a bit mental?

And definitely worth searching out any playgroups etc so you can get out and meet people.

Thanks @Rainatnight, that's a great suggestion about the activity packs.

DH works crazy hours (is self employed and work comes first) but that's a whole different thread and had been trying to formulate an exit strategy until I found out I was pregnant with DS2 to my surprise. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about DH at the moment and would be wasting valuable energy thinking, hoping or asking him to change.

I'm trying my best to get out and about to more groups but there are none nearby and not many even after driving some distance. There is one local very young teenager (local demographic is elderly) that may be available but has zero experience with or real interest in children.

I hope I dont sound like Im complaining about my situation. I am grateful for what I have and worked for in my life and I am just trying to prepare practically as much as I can to get through the next few weeks and months. I know there are many many women here on MN who manage to run households, parent mutiple children and workfull time singlehandidly without a partner, or their partner is deployed or works abroad or offshore for months at a time, or is ill. I really do not know how they do it, I really admire their resilience and organisational skills. Even people with partners who manage I think are amazing.

Thank you all for all the suggestions so far and feel free to add more.