Hi, I'm new to mumsnet, stumbled across it looking for some advice. My partner of 3 years has a son who is 5 this year. (Sorry I don't know all the standard acronyms).
My partner moved in with me after a few months of dating - he doesn't have a place of his own. He was living at his parents when we met. So every weekend, my boyfriend's parents would go and collect his son and he would stay over at his grandparents. My boyfriend would then get up on Saturday morning and I would barely hear from him or what his plans were with his son. He would return home in the evening to a cooked meal and clean house. This was repeated on Sunday's unless he decided to randomly show up at my house and his son in tow. I didn't feel involved at all, I felt neglected and didn't even see the point in us being together.
As his parents are getting older, I suggested a while ago that perhaps he should reconsider the arrangement and collect his son himself. I could also see that his son isn't getting the support he needs. My partner's ex, has two other children (from different father's) so must be busy, not to mention her schedule of getting 3 kids ready for school, fed etc in the week. So I've been trying to be more involved lately, especially with his reading. I've started taking him to the library and reading him books. I got very emotional when he said nobody has ever read him a book outside of school before. I offered for my partner to start letting him stay over at my house, on the basis that he sees his son ever other week so we can have some together as a couple but also for his son to have some bonding time with his siblings I also suggested for him to have more involvement during the week too, like picking him up from school on a Friday and taking his to school on the Monday as well as more school holidays instead of every single weekend. I am not trying to restrict contact, just trying to balance it out better for everyone's sake.
In addition to this, I pay all the bills and get no contribution from my partner. He sends all of his spare cash to his ex partner and spends everything else on his son. He occasionally takes me out too, when we get the chance and without meaning to sound ungrateful, we don't go anywhere nice unless I plan and pay for it. I have a very demanding job and value my time, so weekends are important to me. So it has been a huge shock that lately, his son has been staying at ours every weekend. This was not arranged, it just started to happen because that's what my partner decided. When I tried to mention something, he said I was the one that suggested it. I still do not feel involved, instead I feel like I'm their maid. I do all their washing and prep their meals with barely a thank you. I do not get to decide anything, my partner's son makes demands and gets everything he wants, even when I suggest otherwise. I'm expected to just be there when they need something.
I do not have children of my own and have previously very much enjoyed the luxury of looking after my friend's/family's kids for a few hours/a day and handing them back to their parents.
I just feel like I constantly have to force my way into feeling like we are a family, and I'm beginning to resent my role. I feel like I'm just part of their lives because I have the financial security. I'm worried that if I say something, he will think I don't want his son. I do not know how to address this without sounding like I am complaining. I don't see how I can even think about children of my own, I can't afford to stop working and maternity pay wouldn't even cover the cost of half my mortgage let alone bills. Anyone else in this situation? What did you do about it?