3 year old behaviour

[Badmummyhelp]

Ok I'm at the end of my tether with my newly 3 year old and really need some help. I have a new baby and DS1's behaviour during my pregnancy and since has been awful, until then he was a mostly well behaved boy with just the occasional moment of naughtiness.

He loves being a brother and likes to "help" with the baby. We include him where possible and I always chat to him and play with him where possible while breastfeeding. Baby hasn't really been able to be put down this week so that hasn't helped.

DS1 has been toilet trained for months during the day but now screams and tantrums if we ask if he needs a wee or suggest he tries for a wee. At nursery he goes like a dream, tells them he needs to go or goes when asked, no fuss and does it all himself. If we get him to use the toilet at home, he insists he can't do it himself which makes it harder while feeding baby. He continually wets himself now and doesn't even mention it, is totally unfazed by having to get changed. We've tried stickers and praise and not really mentioning the accidents but no improvement.

We've reached a point where he now descends into bad behaviour when you ask him to use the toilet or if he wants to go. He screams and shouts, throws things and hits sometimes. We've tried ignoring the behaviour (shouting etc) or time out (hitting) but ignoring ramps things up to hitting and time outs he finds funny and just comes back so it's a game to put him back there or else they have no consequence - if he stays in time out, he's totally calm then when he gets brought back in, he immediately hits again.

I know it's attention but we're giving him loads and I just don't know what else to do. Please be nice because I know I'm failing and I just want to cry for my usually lovely little boy. Does anyone know how to prevent this behaviour or what method of discipline is best?

It sounds horrible, but ignore, ignore, ignore.

As you've said yourself, he is doing it to get your attention when you're feeding the baby. And he's getting it by having accidents etc. Can you stick a potty in the living room or something to encourage him to go when he's with you and the baby.

It's hard, but you just have to totally ignore the bad behaviour. I wouldn't waste your time with time out etc. Pick him up without saying a word and put him in a safe room with the baby gate closed and leave him for five minutes to calm down.

I know how hard it is with a toddler and newborn. My eldest was 2 when I had my youngest. I did just ignore him being a monster as much as possible and made sure I gave him lots of one to one time. Also divide and conquer, so make sure he gets days out with dad if you're stuck feeding the baby and vice versa.

Thanks, do you ignore hitting as well? He's managed to hit the baby twice when aiming for me and I just don't know what to do.

He has accidents while playing with me as well as when I'm feeding so I don't know if that's for attention too?

If I'm feeding or sitting with baby then I can't take him into another room to leave him to calm down. The only gates we have are on the stairs so would only be able to completely remove him to his bedroom and close the door on him which isn't really what I'd like and isn't physically possible while with baby.

How long did this horrible stage last for your little one? I'm desperate to be on the other side of it already

Firstly, change that username!! You are not a bad mummy. You are thinking of both your little ones and trying your best to find your way together through a challenging time. How much you love him is clear.

This sounds like this has become a massive ‘thing’ and I would gently suggest stepping back and taking a deep breath. Everything you are describing is completely normal. My DDs are 3y 3m, and 7mo, and it’s only in the last couple months I feel we are getting some sense of a settled life again since DD2’s arrival. DD1 totally regressed in potty training, and her behaviour went quite wild. Then she started nursery and that affected her too. We just muddled our way through it, trying to be as kind as we could and mindful of the complete upheaval in her life, but also laying clear boundaries, ie if she tried to hurt her sister we’d remove the toy she was playing with.

I’m going to disagree with PP and say a time out is not what he needs. A more attachment-minded approach would be a time in. Children that age are not able to organise their emotions, they need us to teach them how to do it. In practice this means naming what you see and what he might be feeling ‘it’s boring waiting for baby to feed isn’t it, but we don’t hit/wee ourself etc etc’ ‘it looks like you’re feeling pretty angry just now. I won’t let you hit but I’ll wait here with you and you can have a cuddle if you want to help you calm down’. He is feeling such conflicted emotions - likely loves baby a lot but also can’t stand him at times, he represents rejection and expectation on older bro to be more grown up than he wants to. All of this going on but too hard to explain or understand when you are 3. He just needs love, patience and boundaries. Not easy whilst trying to feed a newborn so cut yourself some slack and just do your best!!

Ps the potty regression lasted around 3/4mo. It just passed, I’m sure it will for you.

Thank you, especially for being kind. I just feel awful lately, like all I do is shout.

It's good to hear from someone who has been through it and a timespan that it could last, at the moment it feels like it would be forever! I'm going to try offering cuddles when he's angry and trying to talk him through his emotions. We've had a good couple of days with my mum staying - he chose to use the potty instead of the toilet one time and so we've offered that each time since and have had much less arguments about going, thankfully. Unfortunately he tends to miss more with the potty so end up having to clean up a lot more!

We'll keep muddling through and hopefully this passes quickly.