My marriage has been in a state of breakdown for some years and I have been slowly trying to navigate myself to be in a position to initiate divorce.
I have 3 sons, aged 6, 3 and 1 and I am concerned about the behaviour of my 6-year-old. Over the last year, he just seems increasingly angry and has a terrible attitude to his brothers, to me and his father. If I try to talk to him about the behavior he just sneers, blows out his lips and rolls his eyes or even mocks me by doing the 'nagging' sign with his hands. If I try hugging or kissing him he pushes me away. This morning was such a drama I shouted at him in a way that I hate myself for. He looks sad or angry. At school, the teacher says he is wonderful and a joy to teach. It makes me think he is miserable at home.
My husband and I have argued for years and I worry that this is the reality he has grown up in and learnt from. I tried to leave over a year ago but the father wanted to make one more try. We ended back as we always do - arguing. Recently his father 'found' I'd been looking at the divorce pages on MumsNet and gov.uk on my phone and again said he wanted to try again.
Every time I feel so close to taking the leap he says he will make more effort. And he does - he means it. I think he is depressed, fed up with the way his life turned out. He has displayed a long list of narcissistic behaviour over the years (that's an entire other post). We have differing outlooks on parenting - he says I am too soft and never discipline him; I think he doesn't try to see if from my son's point of view. I no longer love him. At times I really dislike him.
I never feel totally ready to take the leap. I don't really have any money. I have tried to start a business and have limited sporadic money coming in but caring for 3 young boys takes so much of my time.
In one respect I don't even care about not having money any more - I just want my boys to be happy. I want to be happy.
I miss my son when we was 3 / 4 - he was so happy and loved life. He used to laugh and be silly and tell me loved me. But now I rarely see that side of him. He seems jealous of his younger brother - not the baby. We also moved countries a year ago - coming back to the UK from overseas as I tried to leave the marriage the first time. I hate the way my son is acting and just feel the environment he is growing up in has messed it up for him.
I'm sorry this is rambling. I just feel so sad. For him. For me. Even for his father in a way. I just want them to have a magical childhood but feel I am failing him and his younger brothers too.
I guess what I want to ask is, did anyone see their child's behaviour get better following divorce?