MIL is dying - what to say to 4 year old dd

[BigRedBoat]

MIL is likely to pass away in the next couple of days, dd (age 4) is aware she is in hospital and is very poorly but I don't think she has any thoughts that she will die - should I wait until it happens to tell her or try and prepare her in advance? She has some concept of death, eg she knows we can't see grandad (my DF) because he died but he died before she was born so it wasn't a loss for her. She sees MIL every few weeks but I wouldn't say that we're really close as MIL has dementia and has been in poor health for a while but she does say she loves her nanny. I've found some resources online of how to explain to children when someone has died but I'm not sure whether to say anything in advance?

hello my love, a very difficult time for you.
I was in the same situation with my dad, and told her he was very poorly.
The much older ones knew he was dying, but I didn't prepare her.
I kept everything as normal as I could, she stayed with dh whilst I visited daily.
When he died she would stand in her window and sing twinkle twinkle to nanna and grandad.
I just took her lead and answered any questions she had, it was basic stuff like can they see and hear her.
I said some people believe this and others don't. She made her own mind up inthe end.

Sorry you are going through this. If you go onto amazon & search for children’s bereavement books they have some lovely books on there. My FIL died earlier this year & my 4yo responded really well to the book called Grandads island so there may be an equivalent for grandmas. My best advice is keep it simple & give them honest answers x

In answer to your other question, we had months to prepare our children so we did talk about it in advance. They could see him declining so understood it was going to happen. In your circumstances I would say something so it won’t be too much of a shock.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

I had to deal with the same situation just before Christmas when my own wonderful Mum passed away. My little ones are 6,4 and 2 so varying degrees of understanding.

It was very sudden for us so it seemed every few days I was giving them new information. She had been unwell for a couple of months but nothing we thought that couldn't be fixed. Then she was diagnosed and left us just 12 days later.

When she was unwell I told them the Drs were looking at what was wrong and trying to fix it. A few days later when it was looking like it might be something more untoward but not yet confirmed, I said we didn't think the Drs would be able to make Grandma better but that they were looking after her and making sure she wasn't hurting.

Then she was diagnosed with cancer in multiple places, I told them what it was and that she wouldn't get better from this. My eldest asked the direct question of would she die and I was honest and said yes. These conversations were the hardest ones I've ever had but they felt better because they knew what was happening. It all happened so quickly we couldn't hide anything from them and I wouldn't have wanted to, provided we could do everything in an age appropriate way.

My eldest is very logical and so he needed to know all about cancer, what it is, how it grows in the body. Everything. It was hard explaining it all but he needed that. My 4 year old accepted she had gone and that she was in heaven (his words) much more easily than I thought he would.

So I would say prepare your DC as much as you can. It is never an easy path and they won't be easy conversations but I'm sending strength and sympathy for you and your family

Explain that your MIL is like a snowman and that your MIL has reached a time in her life when the sun has some out and consequently, like a snowman melting in the sun, she won’t be with us for very much longer. But tell your dd that that’s ok, because like a snowman, you won’t remember her for being a wet puddle on the floor... instead you’ll remember all the fun you had playing with her.

Thanks for all the advice everyone, I will have a look at some books to order. MIL has lots of medical issues but it's heart failure that seems to be the main issue so at least I can explain that her heart is very poorly and answer any questions she has.