parenting when raised by abusive/neglectful mother

[ChandelierLizzid]

I am in my 30s and pregnant with my first child.

Ive always wanted kids but waited a long time because I've always been worried about making sure my kids will have a good environment to grow up in, and that I can look after them.

I was raised by a mother with untreated bipolar disorder, who was also neglectful and emotionally abusive.

As I prepare to welcome my new baby, I am constantly reminded that everything I know about parenting (from how I was parented) was based on really negative, unhealthy ideas.

I am going to therapy to try and get myself in the best psychological place to enter motherhood with my eyes open. But it's really difficult knowing that the child won't be welcomed into a nice, loving family who will help and support me. Although, myself and the dad are both very loving and caring people. He has no family left, sadly.

I feel really isolated and worried about how I'm going to learn to be the best parent I can be, with no guidance. And how to let go of the idea that my mother will suddenly become a wonderful grandmother, when she has already had quite a negative impact on me during pregnancy.

Does anyone have any resources or advice for overcoming the above? How to unlearn negative parenting lessons? How to create a warm happy family with no outside support? Any advice appreciated...

I can't go nc with mum as she is unwell.

Congratulations! I think that the fact that you're posting here and worried about creating a positive environment for your child shows already that you're going to be fine.

It's important to remember that you are not your mother, and parenting isn't really something you exactly mirror from your own experiences. The way I parent my DS is very different to how I was brought up, not intentionally (well some of it is), I'm just a different person to my parents.

Don't worry about wider family support. My DP has no living family (only child, dead parents), and my family live hundreds of miles away. It's not sad and I don't dwell on it. DS has friends and he sees his parents having healthy adult relationships with our friends (and each other). I work hard to make sure our home is a happy one.

You might find your mother is very different with your DC than she was with you. Certainly my own mother is unrecognisable with DS than she was with me.

The fact that you are aware of the connection between how you were parented and how you may potentially parent is a very positive sign.

I would recommend the book 'Connection Parenting' by Pam Leo as a starting point. The author speaks quite a lot about how 'past hurts' manifest in us and in our relationships with our children, and how to overcome this.

I have a very similar background @ChandelierLizzid and am a ftm to a seven month old. I was seeing a therapist when I fell pregnant and this really helped me to pick through my issues. Would getting some counselling be an option for you at all? Because of my background I’ve been obsessed with being ‘the best mum ever’ and it means that any little setback has made me feel awful and really questioning my abilities. I ended up in a pretty bad place in the early days and have my DH to thank for dragging me out of it. Is your partner aware of your background? If you feel confortable doing so, let your health visitor and midwife know too. Mine put me in touch with a local mental health support group which really helped and my HV did extra home visits which I found useful. I don’t have any diagnosable mental health issue as such but certainly feel the impact of my childhood iyswim. I kept a book in he first few months in which I wrote down three good things about each day. Some were hilariously mundane looking back - ‘changed a nappy without LO weeing everywhere’ is a particular highlight - but it really helped me to read through if I was feeling down.
It is getting so much easier the older my LO gets and I’m recognising that actually, I am good at this and he is thriving! But it’s taken me a while to get there.