Feeling depressed and stressed parenting my toddler

[MamaandTiti]

Hello All

I am mom to a very active 20 month old. When people are being kind they call her 'spirited' and often say she has a 'strong character'. In reality of course, I know that is just a polite way of saying she is a total nightmare. She currently goes to nursery 5 days per week from 8 until 6:30 as OH and I both work full time. She is the naughtiest girl at nursery and the nursery nurses complain that she hits kids and staff, screams and constantly throws tantrums and flings herself on the floor.
I am totally mortified. I never imagined having a kid like this, and although we discipline her, it seems to have no effect. Right now I use time out, but she doesn't seem phased by it at all. I feel everyone else has lovely normal toddlers and my kid is just a loose cannon. I cried in IKEA yesterday because she would not stop screaming and hitting me and was impossible to control. I felt hot and embarrassed, and just plain exhausted from all the constant telling off and fighting with her over everything. I dread getting up in the morning and live for her nap time and bed times on the weekend. At the same time I feel awful that I feel this way, as she is only little and I want to enjoy her. To some degree I feel like it must be my fault. Am I working too much? Am I not strict enough or am I too strict? I feel totally lost. Lately, I feel paralyzsed when she starts screaming and tantruming. I just feel helpless.

I feel really down, especially as her behaviour is really affecting my marriage. My husband is constantly stressed and snappy, and he complains her constant screaming is setting his teeth on edge. We have started to argue a lot because we are both stressed and on our last nerve. This morning, she suddenly started shrieking blood-curdling screams at the top of her lungs because she wanted another bite of croissant and he jumped and dropped his hot coffee. Afterwards he told me his heart was palpitating. We are both so stressed all th time. I feel so sad about this situation. Does anyone have any advice or tips please?

Others will come along with more help - I'm not sure I can offer much but I didn't want to read and run.

I have been through the toddler years twice and it is so very hard.

There is a lot to be said for praising rather than punishing. Children don't response well at all to punishment. They need to be taught how to cooperate and 'behave well' by continual encouragement and strong connection with their caregivers. Try the book 'how to talk so kids will listen' which covers cooperation, helping children deal with feelings and alternative to punishment.

I never had to use full time childcare. I will say that my second child would not have managed AT ALL with that level of stimulation at that age. He is 3 now and is exhausted after a 6 hour preschool day - there is no way he'd manage 8-6pm 5 days a week. Absolutely no way. i'm currently experiencing tantrums after the full days whereas he is happy and 'easy' on his other days. You will get lots of people who do say theirs managed just fine in full time - every child is different. But if you have to work you have to work.

You do need to keep your cool (easy to say I know but I'm quite surprised you can't if you're only spending the weekends with the child rather than 7 days a week?) and show love and compassion at all times.

Poor you, it does sound like things are tricky right now.

My firstborn was always described as ‘spirited’ (in other words lively, feisty and hard work!) I just couldn’t understand why he seemed to behave so badly, when other parents seemed to have such angelic children. He was such a rule breaker and I remember one time at preschool (I was helping out) when he pulled a little girl’s hair so hard that he had some of her hair in his hand. I still remember how mortified I felt! When I look back, I can see that a lot of his difficult behaviour was just immaturity and poor impulse control. He was ‘young’ for his age, but with understanding, grew through his behaviour eventually, as I’m sure your little girl will. X

Sounds tough. Will keep this short as app keeps crashing on me!

Clear rules consistently enforced with natural immediate consequences (you act up in the shop, we leave)

Narrate what will happen before it happens (I'm giving you the croissant now, you can't have another when it's done but you can have fruit or a yoghurt if you're still hungry)

As much as possible tell her what you want her to do (not what you don't want her to do). At that age use short simple words.

Also is she getting enough sleep? As other pp said long days and their impulse control falls off a cliff when they're overtired

She's not naughty though- she's 20 months. She doesn't understand what she is doing is "wrong" as Toddlers have poor capacity for empathy, and very limited impulse control.

The books How to Talk so Little Kids Listen, and Toddler Calm really helped me when I was struggling with a spirited toddler.

Good luck, it's tough!!

Hi OP. I agree with PP, 20 months is very young and definitely too young for time out to be effective. I would expect that will escalate her behaviour rather than calm her or teach her anything. To be honest I would say my 3 year old has only just got the concept of 'consequences' for behaviour. I think at 20 months she will need a lot of positive reinforcement for good behaviour to teach her the way you expect her to behave but mainly I think you need to get to the root of why she is doing what she is doing. To some extent what you are describing is normal toddler behaviour but if it is absolutely all the time it suggests to me she is tired or frustrated. Does she have any language yet? Both of mine had a lot of tantrums before an explosion of language ( my 18 month old DS is a bit difficult at the moment tbh and seems to be taking huge leaps forward in development at the same time) How is her sleep at night? What is her routine like when she gets home from daycare, how much attention is she getting from her during the week?

I agree that is a lot of childcare. Does she like going? Is she unhappy there? Are there other childcare options you could look into if not? If she is spending every week day somewhere she isn't happy at 20 months old that would explain a lot. If you have to work full time I understand that there may not be much you can do about spending more time with her but you could look into a different setting.

Sorry you're going through this op, it does sound difficult. Chances are that she'll grow out of the tantrums as she learns to communicate more effectively.
Just out of interest, what is she like when you're on holiday or when she has a block of time off nursery? Some children cope fine with long days in nursery (not judging btw, I know it can be a necessity) but others are more sensitive and find it stressful and tiring. Does she seem happy to go?

Hello All

Thanks so much everyone for your advice and just general understanding! As a first time mom, I had not really though about over-stimulation from too much time at nursery, but thinking about it..that makes sense.
She seems happy at nursery but she has a lot of temper tantrums and angry moments. However, she calms down a lot when she has a solid block of time away from creche. For example, I took 6 days over Easter and after two days at home, she was actually very good. The naughtiness really calmed down. I think you are right for suggesting it may be beneficial to consider another alternative, even just a couple days a week with Grandma instead of at nursery.
Also thanks for clarifying that 'time out' does not really work with toddlers! I thought it was just my little madam that it was not working for! I will try to focus my energy on positive reinforcement I think. I can tell she gets frustrated by the constant 'No's' and 'Stop that!'. It does not create a great relationship between me and her either. I have already ordered the book from Amazon because actually a few have recommended it too me, on this post and at Gymboree.

Anyway, thank you all so much for taking time to respond and for being empathetic.I have made quite a few notes from your comments and I feel a bit more positive already.

I think a couple of days out of nursery would be so helpful if you can find another way, that is a long day for her and she is probably a bit frazzled, as are you. Hope it gets easier OP