Feel like I’ve failed

[HarryHarry]

I’m feeling shit about myself as a mother. My baby was in the NICU for a while so I didn’t get to hold him until he was nearly a week old and didn’t get to take him home until he was nearly a month. During that time he was cared for solely by nurses as I wasn’t allowed to do anything. I was also told that he couldn’t have breastmilk for medical reasons but to keep pumping just in case, so I spent several hours a day away from his bedside, missing out on everything, while using the hospital pump. When we finally took him home I worried that he would never recognise me as his mother because I hadn’t done any of the things mothers do.

After a while I learned to get over these feelings. But a year later, he is starting to reject me, and I don’t understand why. When he’s with me, he literally whines all day. He hates when I try to play with him but he also doesn’t want me to leave his sight. When he’s hurt, he refuses to be comforted by me and kicks and screams to get away. At naptime and bedtime, he will not sleep if he knows I am in the room (he sleeps in our room) so I can’t move or make any noise because it sets him off. I also can’t get up to get a drink or go to the toilet at night, which is really tricky because I’m currently pregnant with baby #2. However he is absolutely angelic for my husband and family friends.

I read that babies pick up on your emotions, so if you are stressed they will be too, but the thing is, I wasn’t stressed until this started. Friends often comment on how calm I am with him.

Anyway I’m starting to feel really down about this now and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried giving him some time away from me to see if that makes him happier but without success. What am I doing wrong? Can anyone give me hope that it gets better?

Oh and I’m really sorry this was so long, thank you if you read this far.

I think you suspect this behaviour is due to your separation in his first month...but it's not OP...this is all perfectly normal with babies of your son's age.

You are the person he is most sure of so you're the one who gets all the shit! Mine were both the same at this age. Awkward.

I advise you to go to counselling because that first month sounds traumatic for you and you may have PTSD.

My son is going through a phase of this atm hes 18 months and normally we get on great but tonight it's like the devil himself has possessed him 😂 keeps gurning cause hes tired but dosent want the boob then crying cause he wants the boob. Its prop just a phase.

My son's birth was the exact same - premature, in the hospital for a month only being comforted by the nurses, couldn't have breast milk or nurse. He's super attached and secured to me but he's hitting the one year stage and whining all day and pushing his boundaries. It's developmentally normal and nothing to worry about. He knows you're his mama and he can abuse you basically because you'll always love him.

I’m sorry to hear that you had such a difficult experience. It sounds like you have done a great job of bonding with DS since then. His behaviour sounds very normal. He is testing your boundaries which shows that he loves and trusts you. You have not failed. Quite the opposite. Although I appreciate you feel that you have, I felt the same. Hypnotherapy and emotional freedom technique helped me with that.
His behaviour is probably a phase so try and grit your teeth while he gets through it. If things don’t improve speak to your GP or health visitor.

Oh op: Mine had skin to skin contact and in a sling all the time. He still had a phase where he wouldn't stop whining at me, didn't want picking up but didn't want to be alone... It is really rough. You haven't failed. Is there any support you can get from a health visitor, or can you talk to a GP?

Babies and children because like this will someone they have a strong bond with because of their strong bond they know that the adult will always be there for them and they don’t have to perform.

It sounds like you early parenting was very traumatic and being pregnant again will being this to the fire. I would ask your midwife for a referral to specialist mental health team so you can talk through these issues.

We didn't have any of the issues at birth you had and my 1 year old is still a nightmare to share a room with. He's in his own room at home but never sleeps well when we go away somewhere and have to share a room. So his behaviour may well be completely unrelated to those early days. As others have said though, if you are struggling with your reaction to his behaviour at excessively blaming yourself, then do get some professional advice. Sounds like you are doing a great job!

Thank you everyone, your responses made me cry