I’m lost as a parent.

[flamed12]

I have a 7 year old son and 2 year old. I’ve had the evening from hell and feel like I am the worst parent. I dislike one of my parents because of their temper and feel zero connection to them and I try my best but feel like a failure sometimes.

My son is addicted to his PlayStation. I limit it to weekends only but he’ll ask to watch YouTube gamers constantly or talk about the game constantly or ask to play it constantly. I usually say no but it’s so constant that sometimes I’ll be in the heat of the moment (cooking dinner, 2 year old crying from exhaustion) I’ll say yes.

At dinner I’ll ask him to come off and he’ll throw a tantrum. Crying m, hyperventilating and begging.
This happens often and in all sorts of situations.

Tonight for example -

OH is working away for 3 weeks so I’m alone and 2 year old is exhausted. Son is outside playing with friends and at 7pm I ask him to come inside as I want to go upstairs to bath DD and don’t feel comfortable being unable to watch over him or be available.

2 year old is screaming as it’s bath time and she’s exhausted and doesn’t want a bath. When I ask him to come in he screams “waaaahhhhh five minutes”. “no come now please I need to bath DD”. He begins hyperventilating, crying, screaming, begging. I walk upstairs and he follows begging and screaming.

He then comes Into the bathroom clinging to me and begging. Meanwhile two year old is screaming. I ask him to get undressed to get washed and he just keeps saying “noooo please let me have five more minutes”.

I bring a book into the bathroom to read to them to calm them down. Meanwhile they’re both screaming at the top of their lungs and I genuinely can’t take it anymore.

I tell him he’s grounded tomorrow. He then says I think you should take my PlayStation off me at the weekend too. He then says he won’t be able to have breakfast tomorrow since he’s grounded.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Except to let him get his own way constantly. I then threw the book out of the bathroom as I was at my limit. And now I feel like my parent who I hate due to their temper.

I could cry at how lost I feel.

Does he have Lego or Playmobil or cars or something you could play with him for a short time, one-to-one?
Or a little card game maybe? He's a good age to learn things like rummy, that he can do with his mum, and is obviously for big boys, not little two year olds?

Kids like rules and boundaries and routines (probably subconsciously a lot of the time!) but they do. So if he knows where he stands all of the time things might just be a little easier.

Yeah- and it's especially hard in the school holidays when they've lost their framework for the day.

DS (3) kind of does the the same thing with punishments. It doesn't mean he doesn't care, just his way of saving face and staying in control.

Can you talk to him about it? See if he does feel a lack of attention or whatever.

I would also set out some clear ground rules that are very consistent and always get the same punishment. Maybe a 'three strikes and you miss a day of PlayStation ' or something.

You lost me at getting an unwilling 2 yo into a bath. That is just pointless imo! Don't bother. Wipe face and hands if grubby, they don't need frequent baths at that age and it's not worth the battle.

What is the wind down routine for both DC? Change into pjs, do teeth, upstairs for a story with lights turned down low? What chance do they get to unwind with low stimulation and quality time? It all sounds very frantic and rushed, no opportunity to wind down and get into a relaxed state.

Are they starting the wind down early enough? 7 is way too late for a 2 yo. My 2yo wind down starts at 6pm sharp or hell breaks loose! That's for a bedtime (in bed, lights out) of 6.45-7pm.

Evenings are so hard, everyone is tired from the day including you. Do whatever you need to to make it as simple and stress free as possible. Food, even just a snack not full blown dinner, milk/drink, teeth, wind down, bed! You can have a proper dinner for yourself once DC asleep if you really want to cook.

What I found with my 3 DS's was to give them a 5 or 10 minute warning from playing a game or from coming indoors from playing. That way they feel a little more in control and can finish up what they are doing. In our house electronic items get used a lot but we set the rule early on that 6pm was the turn off time for them. For my youngest DS I set an alarm on his iPad that gave him a 5 minute warning, then a second alarm at the time to turn off.

Did you give him warning about play time ending. So say there is 15 mins of play time left...so he has time to wind down.
Agree about no need for a bath. If it's a choice between ds being happy outside with friends and dd being clean..go for football as he is happy and nicely engaged.
If he is upset after that just be sympathetic saying l know sweetheart it's hard to come in but you will see your friends tomorrow and try understanding that he is disappointed.
But as for the consoles he is too young. Phase them out. Especially with Summer coming, sounds like he likes football etc so focus on that.
As parents we all hit a wall at times so tomorrow is another new day. But with consoles you will have plenty of battles over them later but now is too young.

Things that may help:
Get him a watch, when he's out say 'you need to come home at 7'.
If that doesn't work then give him a 15 minute countdown (as others have suggested)
When it's warm bathe dd in the paddling pool
Bathe dd earlier if possible
Call any punishment 'a consequence ' instead
Look up PDA (I'm not saying he has this) as the strategies are very useful

@WTFisThat PDA strategies are great for all kids. I couldn't agree with you more.

I wouldn’t threaten punishments either. Just stick to the rules.
Tell him what his rules are in advance. Write them out with him and stick them up on his wall.
If he has a tantrum then just deal with the tantrum and explain why you’re sticking to the rules - ‘it’s late and it’s bedtime. You need to sleep otherwise you’ll find it difficult to feel well tomorrow’
If he suggests more punishments then say ‘no, We don’t need to. We just need to go to bed on time’

It will be hard to get rid of all the games consoles initially but I think you’ll be doing yourselves a big favour if you do. Have other activities ready for him and take him out.
I have a no consoles rule during the week because my dc couldn’t handle being on them for a limited time. They’d be clock watching til they could go on then screaming ‘1 more minute!’ When it was time to come off. It’s easier not to have them at all but you have to help them a lot to get used to it by filling in the void that it’s going to create.
I explained to mine why we were doing this and they understood.

I think there's a lot of punishments being suggested for a child who you say is left to his own devices a lot, and the mental image of him clinging to you and suggesting more punishments when being told off is a sad one to me.

Agree with all the rules around limits but I really do think you have to counterbalance these with more one on one attention. If you put the 2 year old to bed earlier could you give him some special time?
7 year old being left to their own devices for a bit with Lego or a ball = fine. Being left alone with YouTube and electronics is easy but I think not appropriate at this age.
Are there ways to include he and your 2 year old? Do you go to the park all together, cook dinner etc?

www.ahaparenting.com/blog/How_To_Special_Time

Get rid of the PlayStation, switch and whatever device he's accessing YouTube on.

I'm a teacher and my school has sent numerous letters reminding parents that YouTube has a 13 age rating for a reason. As does Fortnite if it's that he's playing. There are children who's behaviour at all times is affected by playing games so it won't always show just when he's actually sat playing the game.

It sounds like he's crying out for your attention and your boundaries. 2 year old or not, it seems he cannot be left to his own devices because he needs you and he needs more structure to his day to help with transitions.

But definitely get rid of all devices for now. Don't use them as rewards/treats. He needs to know they're gone. It'll be hard for a while but you've got to break the cycle.

Also, as hard as it is, don't engage in arguments over the boundary. State the fact clearly: It's 7 o'clock. Time to come in. But don't get into battles.

He's desperately trying to control the situation by the escalating it. You need to keep calm, very low key and not engage. Reassure, comfort, but don't waver from whatever point it is you have made. (Providing he is clear on the boundary before he started of course. He needs to know 7 o'clock is the limit and be given a warning that it's 5 minutes until 7 o'clock)

Thanks everyone. I’m taking it all in.

This morning I got up before the both of them and got dressed so that it wasn’t stressful when they both woke up.

I start making breakfast with the DD as DS was still waking up. She starts screeching as her pink cup is dirty, throws the strawberries on the floor as she was In a mood.

Then they both get up and go and sit at the table. DD misheard DS saying something and screams “no!!!!!!” Honestly all this screaming gets my heart racing and my hands shaking. Maybe I need ear plugs.

I say “no shouting please” and DS says “why not? You were shouting yesterday!”

This same struggle continues until I get them both out the door to school. The constant moaning, crying and screaming over trivial stuff.

I recently stopped working as I was full time and I wanted more time with them. DD is in nursery for the last time today and DS asked if I could pick him up from school and come home and finish reading his book to him (we started a new book yesterday). I said yes but DD will be exhausted and I feel guilty about her being in nursery all day until possibly 4:30pm (by the time we get home and read his book). I feel like I need to follow through on this though even if it means DD is going to be a screaming mess by the time I collect her.

Oh and I have taken note of the earlier bedtime. I think as I was working full time bath time had to be at 7pm. But there’s no need now. Dinner will be ready for 5pm for them and I’ll start winding DD down at 6pm and hopefully she’ll be sleeping for 7pm now. I should of thought of that before now but have just been following the same routine despite her being clearly exhausted before 7pm.

Also, do things that will boost his self esteem. Maybe ask him to help out with chores (lay the table, help with cooking and tidying up), get him to bake a cake to welcome your OH back, send off a picture or some writing to get a blue peter badge, grow some plants and just spend time with him generally.
It’s not easy op and you have your hands full but hopefully these ideas will help to work towards a calmer household for you.

When your ds pointed out that you were shouting yesterday did you agree with him?
You could talk about how you all need to shout less and let’s all try hard. It will help your ds see your in the same side as it seems like there’s a continuous battle going here.

Your 2 year old sounds exhausted tbh, I think an earlier bedtime will certainly help. Once she is in bed, do something nice with your son, we do reading, crafts, Lego, board games or even just watching a tv programme together.

Yes I agreed but didn’t know what to say. Just sort of mumbled “yes you’re right I was” almost as if I was being scolded by my 7 year old. Looking back I should have said yes your right I also need to try harder!