No idea what is best!!!

[Noahsmummyxx]

My son is 3.9 years old. My and my husband have recently decided to divorce due to his work in the forces. So it’s always really just been me and my son at home. I decided to put him into nursery last term, at first he took to it like a duck out of water, then the last three weeks off term he became a hysterical mess every time I took him, to the point the teachers had to come over and take him into the class room whilst he was yelling for me. I would wait outside the school gates for a call to tell me he had calmed down before I left which was always within 5 mins off me walking out of the door. However, every time I bring up going to nursery he becomes a hysterical mess, almost begging me not to take him. I spoke to my husband about this but he said it was normal and to keep taking him, I don’t want too.

I’m so torn as I know it would be beneficial for him to attend as he starts reception this year and if he is this bad over three part time days a week, I can’t imagine five full days a week. But then I also hate the idea of taking him, when he very clearly doesn’t want to go. Is it wrong of me to take him out.

I’ve tried everything he used to go five afternoons a week, I cut this down to three when he began to unlike nursery (teachers advice) but it still isn’t working. Now I am dreading taking him next week, each time I’ve mentioned it this term off his became hysterical and shakes his hands whilst yelling no mummy I don’t want to please don’t take me.

I should also add that since starting nursery he has become even more attached to me and comes out with the strangest things such as “does Danny not like me anymore” or is “Sophie not my friends now, she doesn’t love me” these are his cousins who has always had a fantastic relationship with.

Would love any advice!

Sorry no advice (I'm not there yet ) but I just wanted to say I really feel for you. This would really break my heart but also if reception is on the horizon, it's important he gets used to it.

When are they born.? Could you differ ? I'm not advising this just asking if it would be a possibility, if they genuinely are just not ready yet ?

It's so difficult, sorry no help !!!

I was a nursery teacher and when a child was unhappy to settle I would ask a parent to come into the room and sit with the child on their lap- but not interact much. And not leave their chair After a while the child would become interested in what was going on and feel brave enough to venture off, or would begin to talk to the staff. It may take several days before the child relaxed but eventually they did. Then the parent could move to telling them that they would be leaving for a bit but would be back - and keep the times short initially. This situation must be very stressful for both of you ...

Have seriously been considering deferring him a year as he is born the middle of July. But I think I need sufficient reasons as to why.

I did previously speak to his key worker about this though and she kind of seemed reluctant to the idea. I will say he has never been with anyone else though except his dad and max without me for an hour, but I don’t think it’s serious attachment issues as if his aunt comes round and says let’s go to the park his out the door without so much as a wave. Which from what I gather wouldn’t happen if he had separation anxiety. Im just really unsure what my next move should be. And that includes the deferring reception till next year. xx

Thank you Marcus2000 we have tried this but the second I go to leave even to the kitchen area he cries. I am wondering if something has caused this as he was absolutely fine going before. Then suddenly couldn’t stand even the mention of going, yet once his calmed down after I’ve left he seems to enjoy it.

Tonight I mentioned that we was going back to nursery next week and we could see his friends. The way he reacted was so upsetting he was completely heartbroken about it and begged me not to take him unless his cousins went with him

This doesn't mean he isn't ready for school, my ds hated nursery and I was so worried about reception, he could not have been happier though. Took to school perfectly. My bet is he's ready for a change. Just grit your teeth for the last few weeks and big up school to him. You'll be there before you know it.

Sorry op. Have you asked why he doesn't want to go? I have a 18months and a 3 years 4 months in nursery. Little one took 1 month to settle but now he goes and doesn't cry, but they are lovely they cuddle him and do what works for me. My oldest sometimes doesn't want to go but once he is there he loves it! Good luck

Are there any other nurseries in the area that you may like better for him?

I suspect that he may sense something about your divorce, even if he really doesn't understand it and it has started him being scared that he might end up separated from you.
I'd suggest emphasising a lot about how much you love him and will always come back for him. The Owl Babies book is really helpful for this.

There are more nursery but then I fret about uplifting him from current nursery to go to a different nursery to then go to a different school in September. It’s a lot of changes for a three year old.

He doesn’t know about the divorce yet, as I said his seen his dad very little from since he was around 6 months due to deployment overseas. And to be fair when husband wasn’t deployed he didn’t stay at home much as we’ve been separated as such for around a year.

When I ask about the nursery and why he doesn’t like it he just repeats “no mummy I don’t want to go, I want to stay with you I don’t want to go there I don’t like it” you just feel so helpless leaving him at the nursery, it’s heartbreaking

I'm not sure if this will help but I was exactly the same when I was at nursery and school. I have vivid memories of not wanting to be there and crying because I didn't want my mum to leave. I remember saying I didn't like it and I just wanted to be at home with my mum. Nothing ever happened to me there and I wasn't bullied but I just remember this feeling of not wanting to be away from my mum. As soon as she did leave I was fine.
I'm 33 now and although I still remember it, it seems silly thinking back to it, I still can't quantify why I felt like it.
For me it wasn't until I was probably 12 or 13 that I truly felt ok but every child is different. I don't have any resentment towards my mum by the way and I just find it funny now.
It will all sort itself out and your DS will be fine xx

So sorry, why don't you pop to the nursery again and talk to the manager and ask for his/her opinion? Can they do what you do at home when he isn't happy? Can you give him maybe a toy to cuddle with your perfume? maybe it will be better to give him more time to start school on the following year? Lots of articles say that specially boys benefit from starting school later. Good luck xx

I think it's a good idea to speak to nursery about doing some easing in where you stay for a bit longer to reassure him but be quite boring and don't actually join in, so that he gets the impression nursery is much more fun. And/or perhaps for a set time to ease him in over a tricky transitional bit. Tricky though as it seems like your nursery isn't of the same mind? I would say lots of children do go through this and it's beneficial (usually) to persevere with it and get them settled there. OTOH once he starts school, school will usually be of that mind of helping them settle, rather than saying oh dear he doesn't like it well perhaps he shouldn't come so often - I don't think this is a child who is struggling with nursery because he's too young, as he clearly enjoyed it and found it positive to begin with.

My DS1 was very anxious about me leaving him at nursery after a good start, he sort of rebounded and suddenly became very upset. Nothing had happened, I think he just had learned what to expect and felt anxious about it. We had a compromise for a while that I would stay during the Hello song which for some reason he found very difficult. Then over time that moved to me staying at the door while he sat with the TA outside of the circle during the song and then he moved to sit with the other children, and then he said I could go before the song, and he was fine. Though he did ask me to pick him up early so he could miss tidy up time :o FWIW, I teach small classes to children (languages) and we usually do a Hello song and for the little ones who are sometimes reluctant to leave Mum I always suggest Mums stay for the song and it always works brilliantly.

Yes, he could be picking up on the relationship break up. Children do pick up moods, especially sensitive children, and they hear things - be careful what you discuss around him even if it seems like he isn't listening. I appreciate this is difficult when you're a single parent (or close to) but it is quite important, if you're offloading to a friend/your mum etc best to do so while he is at nursery or definitely asleep or playing in sight but not hearing view (and keep your voice down).

You say it's always been just you and your DS at home - maybe it's just worth having a talk about what roles everyone has and where everyone lives as a sort of reassurance that you won't be separated even though he goes to nursery. Does he miss his dad when he's away?

Thank you all!

He doesn’t honestly seem to miss his dad much at all which is a shame, however when his dad is in town they have a fantastic time and bond but he understands daddy works away and loves him just as much. Thankfully my family have been understanding off the whole divorce and there isn’t any animosities between me and my husband about divorcing. So the only thing I really discuss with friends etc is about housing etc which isn’t a stress as of right now. If this all makes sense lol.

I have explained to son every time I take him to nursery, that I will always come back I tend to tell him “your teachers and friends are waiting to see you as they have some fun things waiting for You. And I tell him I will be the first one back to collect him once his finished” but nothing whatsoever stops him. He physically grips onto me where the teachers have to almost pry him away from me so they can carry him into another room.

It's been a bloody long term. I think quite a few of the kids are just tired out. DD is a bit older (5) but she been complaining about school the last few weeks and normally she loves it. She's just wiped and needed a break.