Telling child about half sibling they will never meet

[gingertesco]

Ok so my son's absent father has had another son 13 years on. He lives very near although his is unlikely to ever meet. I only found out via the CSA. I have friends I consider controlling parents who told me not to tell my son as it would unsettle him. I decided against this as I felt I should be honest right at the beginning tell them all the facts I know. Is this a bad decision? I'm terrible at keeping secrets and I couldn't stand parents being secretive when growing up. I genuinely believe it's better to be honest. What's is your opinion? Be kind I'm a single parent and it's a hard balance between protecting and honesty. I have told him he seem ok, he has never cried or complains about not having a Dad in all his 13 years.

I decided not to tell mine. Nobody else knows and their sibling is around 15 years older. They live nowhere near us and it's incredibly unlikely that they'll ever know, let alone meet. I'm honest about absolutely everything else, but just not this.

My kids are young though, and they just wouldn't understand. My opinion may well change as they get older.

I personally would be honest. My friend found out about a half brother when she was 40 years old. It caused a lot of upset about why she was never told before etc etc. With all the DNA testing that people can do and people finding out their family tree, secrets are never guaranteed.

I would be honest and tell him the situation.

Its better him being upset or confused now instead of angry at you when he is older incase he finds out

My sister (we have different dads) found out she had 3 younger siblings when she was in her 30s. Our mum never knew, and her dad kept it quiet, was only when he was ill and thought he was going to die that he told them about each other. They all have a close relationship now except the youngest, who is 15, and wants nothing to do with the others. although my sister doesn’t understand why it was a secret, she holds no ill feeling towards her dad.

I know none of that is similar to what you’re going through but it stands out to me a bit that it’s the teenager who is struggling with the information. I’m wondering if maybe it would be wise to wait for a few years until he may be better placed to cope with it.

Be honest. Bring them up 'knowing' and it won't be a big deal.

Much better than secrets imo, and is also what we were advised when adopting.

How old is your DC? I would tel him to be honest, you don’t want it to become a “secret”. Imagine his half bro seeing him out in years to come and then your DC finding out that you knew about it all along?
He might not want anything to do with them but that is his choice.
My DHs biological dad lives in an Eastern European country, we know that he went on to have more children. So technically my DH has siblings out there (he is an only child). It’s different as another country but he has zero interest in seeking them out and I can envisage he ever will do, but the choice is with him if that makes sense?

They don't need to 'understand' to begin with, they just have to 'know'.
Understanding comes later and gradually. Much better than a big reveal or accidental uncovering.

Telling him was absolutely the right decision. I had a sibling when I was 10 who I have never met, was told about it at the time. I am glad, would hate to have been lied to for years. You have done the right thing.

I would tell him.

I would tell him because one day he may find out. H knew he had half siblings because his grandparents told him, just in case their paths crossed. They do have a bit of a relationship now though not really a sibling one

Potentially, they could find out at their father's funeral.

Did you find via the CSA? The fact that he has children at home doesn’t necessarily means the kid is his.

I wouldn’t tell my son, what purpose would it serve if he had no contact with his dad? More damage? Making him feel replaced? Wonder why dad cares about one but not him???

I would keep my mouth shut unless DS asked about it directly, otherwise no, why would I choose to inflict such damage?

I would tell him but maybe when he's older and able to accept the news better.

CSA told me then did a public record search of the birth records. He definitely has know the child name everything.

The csa would not tell me anything about the child that lived with my son's father. Bit that was years ago, maybe the rules have changed since then. I did find out that the child was my son's half brother and felt the same way you do about being honest and open about everything. My son has been ok about it.

Tell him OP

I would tell him that his father has had another baby, and explain how you know (and why you don't know anything more). But I wouldn't describe this child as his sibling, as they're unlike to be so in practice. Obviously at 13 your DS will realise how the child is related to him, but might not choose to describe them as a sibling.

One thing though - are you completely sure that he has in fact had a child himself, as opposed to moved in with a partner who has a child? Both would affect the CMS calculations in the same way. (Ie his payments to you would go down because of his assumed contribution to the upkeep of any child he's living with whether or not they are his own child)

@Firefliess yes certain! As I said CSA notified of another child. I then searched the public birth records, I have both parents names, address, occupation and the best of it, the siblings share the same birthday. How weird that must have been for absent father.

I didn't tell my DD about the sibling less than a year younger than her because I didn't want her forming a picture in her head and wanting to meet. I did look up the girl and her mum on social media a few times but never found them due to a surname change, I had no idea what the other girl knew or whether having a sister contact her would disrupt her life.

The sister made contact with her father's family aged 16, and put the girls in touch with one another. They get on, but are not close.

DD was not upset that I had not told her, I explained my reasoning and she was fine with it. I probably would have told her when she was about 18.

Is it worth contacting the new babies mum to see if she wants her baby to know his brother?

Hi @gingertesco I am in almost exactly the same situation! My DS is 13 and his bio dad has recently had a baby girl. Can I ask how you do a public record search?

@Raisinbrain Go online depending if you're England Wales/ Scotland, google search will do it. Scotland records are held at Scotland's people England is on GRO website. Type in the name, obviously easier if not a smith but still perfectly doable, just you might need to narrow it down to districts. My son's father had a very unusual name so easy. Then press order copy a copy of the full birth certificate , it will be sent to you within 7 days.

It's trickier when they are older but honesty is still the best policy. It's unlikely they'll never find out.

My kids are young though, and they just wouldn't understand. My opinion may well change as they get older.

See this is what I just don't understand. Tell them when they are young and it's just the way it is. No big deal. Tell them when they are older and it's a much bigger deal as its a big secret. Lots more emotion involved.