mealtimes and puddings when ONE child is not eating?

[StarryStarryNight]

I am at loss what to do regards to mealtimes now. I have a 5 year old who used to be a very picky eater, and would be rewarded with pudding if he ate reasonably well. I now also have a 2 year old who has willpower like a stone, and will simply refuse to eat to get pudding. So if he does not eat his dinner he does not get pudding. But how do I deal with my 5 year old who has eaten well and askes for it? I dont think it is fair if I withold pudding from him just because his brother has not eaten?

So what I get ususally at mealtimes now is a screaming toddler who has not eaten dinner and is denied pudding and can see his brother eating pudding with a smug look on his face, or a screaming 5 year old who is denied the pudding because his brother has not eaten, or a 2 year old who has not eaten dinner, but is happy as larry because he has had pudding instead. Any suggestions, or experiences with similar?

really babe he won't starve himself. What's the longest you haev ever gone without giving him food???

tbh I think "rewarding" with pudding is a completely wrong headed idea anyway.
I would - provide them with the main course,including something you know he will eat and something he might try. leave a certain amount of time to see if they eat it. then remove it. then provide fruit and/or yoghurt. then remove.
it seems to me that the whole issue of eating has turned into less an issue of nutrition and pleasure and more an issue of power and control. ime if you turn the dinner table into a battleground then everyone loses their appetite.
I think you need to act fast to end this mealtime madness. stop reacting. provide gentle encouragement and that's it.
I am sure you can starve a child into subsmission but really what is the point? to show you have control? you do have control. you are the one providing the food. a bit of a gentler approch will lead to a better relationship with your dc and a better relationshoip with food for them

i think it has got to be worth trying,

i hate the constant battle,

my dd age 9, when she was 3 used to have plain pasta for brekkie she hated cereal... , and that went on for about 5 months,

she is fine now and eats everyhthing going..

dd1 prefers pasta to meat

dd2 prefers meat to pasta/potatoe,

suppose they are all different

best wishes

Agree that it is worth explaining to your 5 yr old that the rules are different for younger child. DS is 4.4 and DD is 2.7 and he accepts that she is learning to eat so we don't have the same expectations of her.

I'm not sure that the approach of 'only fruit or yoghurt for afters if they haven't eaten well' is a good one because it turns sweeter, unhealthier desserts into the 'fabulous treat'.

what harpsichord said.

Does you 2yo drink a lot of milk between meals? If so, cut that down and his appetite may appear.

I'm not sure that the approach of 'only fruit or yoghurt for afters if they haven't eaten well'
that isn't what I am suggesting at all, sorry if you misunderstood me. I just think the whole pudding thing has got way out of proportion. and you need to take it out of the equation to stop the current situation.
I only ever provide fruit or yoghurt or sometimes ice cream anyway. I do give chocolate, cake and biscuits though at different times of the day, but I don't make it into a big thing. I certainly don't make it into a reward/

Sorry Harpisichord, that wasn't a reference to what you said. I thought I read an earlier poster who suggested this as a solution.

Sorry, haven't read all posts but I have a 5.5 yo and 2.5 yo who are very similar. I have decided to accept that the 2.5 yo will not eat what I would consider to be a conventional diet. He eats virtually no veg, so I stuff him with fruit as snacks at every opportunity. Then if he eats minimal veg at the main meal I do not worry. So at the main meal I offer him something he usually eats (the elder one gets the same or similar, just with more veg). The younger gets a token amount of veg. plus some I hide in his food which he doesn't know about. If they both eat reasonably well then they are deemed to be `hungry for pudding' (fruit or yogurt). If pudding is mentioned before ds2 has finished his main course then he will usually stop eating but this doesn't happen all that much because ds1 eats more slowly than his brother.

The 2.5 yo's portions are quite small because he doesn't have a big appetite.

He would like to exist on toast or sandwiches and would stuff himself with bread a lunchtime to the extent that he wouldn't need to eat any dinner if it was something he was less keen on, so I just make sure that if lunch is a sandwich type meal he doesn't gorge himself. That way he is hungry by dinner time. Otherwise he will hold out till breakfast the next day!

If I am fairly sure he won't eat very well at the main meal (depends what it is) then I offer him some fruit first. Then I sit back and relax about what he is eating.

I have found this book good BTW - ds2 will eat much better if he can pick the food up. He doesn't seem to like wet' food.

BTW I have found things have improved a lot in the last couple of months as ds2 is understanding more of what I am saying to him (e.g. there is nothing else on offer, if you don't eat this there is nothing apart from fruit etc.).

But I might have got the wrong end of the stick, I'm v tired and off to bed now.

You see, I would just say today's dessert is fruit or today's dessert is chocolate cake but they only get dessert if they've eaten a reasonable amount of main course. I wouldn't distinguish between healthier afters and unhealthier ones. If you can only manage two bites of main course then you just aren't hungry.

Like you Harpsichord, it's usually only fruit or yoghurt anyway because I don't have time to make the other kinds of dessert.

Starrystarrynight
(love you name by the way)
I'm sorry I misread your OP - it genuinely did sound as if you were denying 5 year old pudding.
I HAVE been there. My second son is ASD and one of his symptoms was extreme pickiness. It is very very hard to deal with so don't beat yourself up.
I do agree with the other posters thoughj - the more anxious you get the more your child will sense that and start a war of wills.
Try and be laid back - he really won't starve himself. My son would go for ages but he always found something we could agree on.
Perhaps cut the dinner and pudding thing for a bit. When my third child was being picky I just started laying the table with loads of finger foods including fruit etc and dropped pudding altogether. It worked and once I was less wound up she had less of an issue trying to "win". You are doing well - just hang in there - and remember - won't starve !!!

Thanks everybody, you have given me lots of ideas to try in order to solve this dilemma. But I think I need to have a talk with my 5 year old so he understands that his brother needs to be treated differently because he is just learning to eat. And he needs to understand that he should not be asking for pudding all the time. And I also think I need to move away from pudding after dinner alltogether. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

x starry