Blame for toddler following me everywhere

[Misskg1982]

This is becoming a major thing in our relationship, and quite frankly getting me down. I'm slowly starting to feel like I'm the blame for everything, so wondering if anyone can share some insight.
Our little lady, who is 2, is my little shadow. When we are at home, and in unfamiliar places (especially with people she is uncomfortable around) she stays by my side. She will eventually go off to play but for the initial she'll stay with me. Which to be fair I would of thought was quite common. She is very happy at my parents home, very rarely bothered about my presence or lack of to be fair and asks to go over to see them on the daily. But when it comes to being at home she follows me around and never wants to be with her dad. And when it comes to going to his family home, which has never happened consistently, she screams blue murder.
My partner gets very embarrassed by this and rather then work with her he loses it, making things worse. Then to add to it he blames me. Because I let her follow me around, she's become too attached.
It's really getting me down to the point where I think I'm failing at this, failing her and him.
Anyone else experiencing or experienced this??

She's going through a phase. She's only 2. It won't always be like this. She'll grow out of it as she gets older, and may end up being a daddy's girl. Just tell dh to be patient.

She doesn't want to be with him because he's a dick who loses it. She doesn't feel safe with him as a direct result of HIS behaviour. He needs to grow up and stop being so ridiculous. At 2 it is also developmentally appropriate to be strongly attached to the main parent. Kids develop independence by feeling that they have a strong attachment that they can return to when they need it, and it comes in its own good time. He sounds petty and jealous.
Perhaps he feels hurt by what he perceives as her rejection of him, but he needs to give himself a shake and look at what is really going on, rather than taking it personally.

Sometimes children can be funny about certain people/ places for no apparent reason.

Equally though if she's generally a shy child then she might be more funny about people she doesn't know as well.

How much time does your DP spend at home with her? Shouting at her really isn't going to help matters for him is it? I can see it's frustrating for him but that's a really shitty way to deal with a two year old who is already a bit wary of you is only ever going to be counterproductive.

It’s a phase but if he continues being a dick she may never want to be with him

This is normal for her age you don't want her flying into situations all gung ho she is just processing her surroundings. your partner is a weirdo though

Small children's instinct is to stick with people they feel safe with.

Normal.

He needs to put 2 and 2 together as follows

DC doesn't want to be near him + He shouts at her = DC does't want to be near him.

Spell it out for the thick twat!

Parenting course for him but I can imagine he knows best.

I think your partner is the one failing you both losing it with an upset baby really isn't top parenting is it ?

You're her security. She doesn't feel secure with him. He loses it with his own 2 year old? You're not failing anyone but he needs emergency parenting advice and a reboot of his temper. I'd also be wary about leaving her with him too often.

Is it any wonder that she prefers to be with you instead of her father?

This is the relevant bit of the EYFS. Your DD is using you as a secure base from which to build her confidence with others, all totally normal.

Clingy babies and toddlers are using you as a safe place. It is very common and totally understandable.

Encourage your DH to be patient and tell him not to shout, it will only damage their relationship.

It will just take time.

DS was ridiculously clingy in the first year 😳 would rarely cuddle anyone but me, didn't really like being away from me for too long. I had to get a sling just for my sanity so I could wear him everywhere. Not gonna lie, it drove me mad and I saw it hurt my OH too... he took it personally sometimes but I always reassured him that it was a time thing.

Now, DS is a right daddy's boy 🤣🤣 they have a lovely daddy-son bonding time in the mornings whilst they let me sleep in. He loves cuddles and kisses with his Daddy and loves playing with him.

It will happen but there is noone to blame here because there is nothing wrong.

Incidentally, DS cried blue murder when my mum and stepdad come round (stepdad has a rather loud, booming voice and laugh 🤣) but within 30 mins, DS is fine. The more we visit them and see them, the less time it takes to settle down 😊

Thank you everyone for your sound advice. And especially those of you who pointed out exactly how I feel about my other half during these times 😀
He read this thread today and we had a big discussion about his behaviour and reactions towards certain situations. I also made him research developmental matters of a toddler just to prove whats happening is normal and should not be an issue. Also spoke to said MIL (mother in law) and put a plan in place to build up our little ones confidence when she is in her company.
Thanks again everyone 😉 you really gave me that belief I needed today to kick em both into touch. Here's hoping from here we move forward!! Thank you x

Good on him for reading the thread and being able to accept advice. That reflects well on him and shows maturity.

Lovely update OP!! Glad to hear things are moving forward!

🤞🏼 PlinkPlink

He still had enough to say, don't get me wrong. But I think especially after reading the thread it dawned on him that maybe the things I'm saying isn't too far from the truth. And that it isn't me being an over bearing mother, that plenty of other women would have the same reaction.
Like I say I hope this is the turning point cause it was really getting me down.

My partner gets very embarrassed by this and rather then work with her he loses it, making things worse. That's why. She doesn't trust him not to lose his shit when she is upset, and won't go to him. He isn't a " safe space" for her.

YOU are not failing, he is. He needs to create a safe bond between them for her to feel safe. Blaming you is low, but is an indication that he feels he is doing no wrong/isn't at fault. And I would bet that his embarrassment escalates at his parents home, so he is worse there?

I have a 10yr old who has autism, and her father (my dh) failed to create a safe space for her within their relationship and now she doesn't trust him. If I am not here she will mask how she is feeling until I am home. It is worse if we are going to visit with his family, as he feels her behaviour reflects on him, so he gets wound up easily. This isn't an easy battle for me to fight, because he too is autistic and gets very triggered by her.

I ma not saying that your dd/dh have autism by the way, just using what I have learnt about trust/safe spaces to advise.

Why are you with this horrible man? Start listening to your daughter. She's already smart enough to not want to be around him.

Ah, my youngest is like this. Was until she was about four. She would completely freak out if I went to the toilet without her and even when I took a shower she would sit at my feet. It doesn’t mean anything bad. Now she’s five, she’s a lot better, but is still happiest sitting on my knee. Your partner just needs to be patient. Does he take her places? Go to the park just the two of them or take her for ice cream? That sort of thing.

Blackcatsleeping he doesn't do anything with her outside of these four walls, apart from the odd visit to his mums(which isn't regular at all) I've always encouraged him to go out with her to the local park or wherever, but it never occurs. He will come out with us but it's me who does the planning/suggesting etc. I've spoken to him about this on numerous occasions (since she was born) about having fun time just them two but it falls on deaf ears.
We share child care during the week. I work part time and due to shift pattern he either picks up the rest or my parents take care of her. So they have time one to one. And so he has time to consistently take her to his mum's. Which again something I've often spoken to him about. But because she hasn't bonded with his family I get the blame. Like some over baring parent.

Well, he needs to take more responsibility for his own actions. He can't just be lazy and blame everything on you. There's loads he could be doing to improve his relationship with her. I know he probably won't want to do a parenting course, but he needs to do something to improve his parenting skills.

It sounds like very normal behaviour for a 2 yr old.

If he wants her to be more comfortable with him, then he needs to work on his relationship with her and be patient with her. Getting cross and “losing it” will only scare your DD and make it harder for her to trust him. And building a father- daughter relationship isn’t something anyone else can do for him.