Am I wrong about bedrooms?

[ceirrno]

I've got dd12, ds10 and ds8. They stay at their dads one weekend a month at most and he lives with his partner and her ds9. They have a three bed house, they have one room and her ds9 has the other proper bedroom most of the time, the other room being an odd attic room.

On every previous visit, my boys have had the attic room and dad's partners son has started with them so my dd can have his room rather than sharing, they've arrived today to be told that he is going to be keeping his room and my dd will be sharing with her brothers.

Am I wrong in thinking that this is not ok? I don't know what I can do about it but I'm so upset for her.

Yes it's not ok, if the boy is fine with giving up his room, then I can't see what the problem is. Your ex is making a rod for his back because as she gets older she's going to stop coming if she's expected to share, and then when will he see her?

No, you're not wrong and I'm not surprised you're upset. As a girl going through puberty, your daughter needs space and privacy away from boys.
It's absolutely inappropriate that she's sharing with her brothers when there's an alternative option available.
Have you raised this with your ex?
I'd guess that if this is the arrangement then she may well stop going all together, and I wouldn't blame her.

I get why it isn't right for their ds to be turfed out of his room every month.
Is she upset about 'camping out' with her brothers ?
I wouldn't think it right if it were permanent arrangement, but 2 nights a month doesn't sound impossible to manage.
Is there an alternative like a dinging room she could sleep in, as and when it becomes and issue for her?

She massively needs her privacy at home, particularly around her period etc but that won't be an issue this weekend as she's not due. The reason I know about it is because she's told been in contact after bedtime tonight unable to sleep because of it, their dad never mentioned it even at handover.

It just seems to be reinforcing that they only care about him and not about my three- which is what they constantly tell me and I try so hard to combat, but it really is that isn't it. They're not part of the family, just inconvenient occasional visitors . I don't know what I'm doing to be able to say to them.

You really need to talk to your ex about this asap - your daughter needs you to do this for her. Poor her
Also, does he realise how his children are made to feel when they come and visit? I think this needs addressing as well.

Daughter needs her own room.
Ime once my room was um given to a sibling. I probably only stayed a handful of times after the age 13.

Thank you so much.

She's thought about it lots since coming home and decided she won't go to every visit, although she feels horrifically guilty about not going, feels she has to for him.

I feel so awful for her.

Maybe I am the odd one out but I am not sure I see any issue with a 12yo girl sharing with her younger brothers once a month. They are not strangers to her. It's not perfect but is don't think it is a massive problem. If she has her period surely she would have her protection in the bathroom and would sort herself out there?

She's really uncomfortable with it as a regular arrangement. She wouldn't mind an odd night in a hotel etc but not the fact it's normal. Aside from general housing rules (social housing etc) being that over tens of differing sexes shouldn't share, it's the ever greater emphasis that they're only visitors and their needs and wishes aren't important to him. His partners son gets his way, gets everything he wants, and they're treated as inconvenient visitors rather than part of the family. They really struggle with it, but don't want to lose their dad by not going.

Perhaps I should've given more information, but I didn't want to overload. They all get anxious before every visit and take days to settle afterwards, and it's them that say how they feel about it rather than me assuming. I've had huge meltdowns from them asking why he doesn't love them anymore, why aren't they good enough etc and it's just heartbreaking.

If I say anything though he'll go nuts at me and also tell anyone and everyone that I'm stopping him seeing them when actually he's the one destroying the relationship with him. On top of all that, when he dropped down from EOW visits to once a month because it was too hard for him (his words), when he sat them down to tell them he even asked if they'd prefer it to be just once a year. They were heartbroken. It feels like this situation is just another attempt to push them out.

And unfortunately when she starts her period, more often than not, she floods, beds need changing etc and obviously that upsets her even when it's private.

Jeez what an awful father! Offering to see them once a year! They may benefit from counselling to help them see it is not their fault and is all his shortcoming. Maybe they could write him a letter to advise how they feel so it is coming from them and not you , I know how difficult it is to confront a parent with a new ‘family’

We've had some counselling input, and actually he knows it's them not me- but that's not the information he spreads to the test of the world. He plays the poor excluded father role to anyone that will listen- and did the same misinformation when he started a relationship before we divorced, it's not a new thing with him. This them of course has a further negative impact on the kids when he's with his friends and family as they've believed him.

When my DS was younger it used to take 2-3 days for him to settle down after his access weekend at his dad's. Everything from not wanting to go to bed, not sleeping, not wanting to go to school. It often felt like I had just got him settled & back in his home routine then it would be time for his access weekend again. Now he is older he takes it in his stride, plus now he makes his own mind up when he goes to dad's.