I don't think I love my baby.

[MammaJune]

Before I start, I know I sound like the worst mum in the world, and I probably am.

I've got two beautiful children, a toddler and a newborn, but I'm not sure I love or even like my newborn. Most days I feel pretty miserable and that my life has gone to shit since she was born.

I absolutely adore my first, but I'm really struggling to form a bond with my second. All she does is scream and fuss when I hold her and I'm pretty sure she hates me. Its got to the point that I don't like holding her, other than to feed her, as she just cries.

I have constant thoughts that my life would of been better if I hadn't got pregnant and I genuinely wish I could turn back time. I feel extremely overwhelmed, stressed and like I'm on the verge of bursting into tears all the time.

My side of the family don't look after my toddler, as they've got their own commitments. My mother in law is great and will take my toddler a few afternoons a week (we can't afford nursery). My DH is also very hands on when he's at home, but he works throughout the week.

I'm not sure what I'm asking in this post, I think I just needed to let it out. I've tried talking to my DH, but he thinks it's just hormones. I don't know what it is, it could just be baby blues.

I had considered talking to my HV or GP, but I don't want them to think I'm a terrible mum and I don't want to take any medication.

Has anyone else felt like this?

It's perfectly normal to have mixed emotions. I certainly did. When I had my second I was scared, would I have enough love to love two children and after the hard labour I had when my third was born It took me along time to bond with her. It wasn't that I didn't love her it was just mixed emotions after the birth and my long recovery. She's now 3.5 and I love all three of my children soo much they are my world. Listen to ur partner it's probably just hormones and these will pass. I found getting out and meeting with new mums helped me to realise I was the not the only mum who had mixed emotions. It's good to talk to people about how you feel x

Please speak to your health visitor. She won't judge you but try and help you. I left my emotions and ended up with undiagnosed PND for six months. This may not be the case for you, but they're there to help you and support you.

No you aren't the worst mum in the world. You also don't sound it. I state this with absolute conviction.

Your baby doesn't hate you. Newborns squirm and squiggle and get uncomfortable with wind and you can't always do much but comfort them through it which feels futile but is actually everything in the world to them.

I haven't fallen in love with my kids immediately, any of them. I have felt more overwhelmed with each of them. It is not unusual to feel this way. Keep going doing the care and the love will come. It will all get better. Your child will grow, you will come to feel better.

Please speak to your HV if you think you need to, don't let it get out hand. There is no shame in this, you are doing your best for yourself and your family. I don't really care if its hormones or a perfectly normal response to an overwhelming situation, if you are feeling so bad you need to post on an internet forum I suggest you seek help.

If you had the whole 'fall in love on sight' experience with your first child then I suppose it would be hard if that doesn't happen with your second. Was your first child an 'easier' baby?

I felt distanced from my (first and only) DC when he was a baby and struggled massively. He didn't sleep much and cried a lot but I suppose I thought it was normal, so although I found it really hard, I had nothing 'better' to compare it to.

I would say it does get better, although if I am honest it only got much better for me when DS was able to interact more positively with me, even if in short bursts. So for me his toddler years were much better than the baby ones, despite him being a very lively toddler, just because he would cuddle me and I spent time playing with him so our bond grew as I put more effort in and he responded. As a baby I felt he cried/didn't sleep whatever I did and that made me feel very very low.

If you can get help/talk to someone honestly about this it will help much quicker, I really wish I had. Please speak to your HV and be honest. There is help available

I wanted to also say that something that helped a bit . Once I was sure DS was fed,changed and not in any pain/ill ( after several visits to the GP about why he cried so much despite being comforted) I sometimes held him and just let him cry.

I always cuddled him and held him but I changed my thoughts from 'I want him to stop crying, why can't I make him happy' to ' My DS need to cry for some reason, so I am going to hold him and let him cry, maybe he is overtired and needs to let out some stress, maybe he is just fed up about something., whatever the reason, I will do what I can, which is be there for him, even if I can't actually fix the problem at the moment'

This did help a bit and sometimes he would cry for less time (although maybe it just felt like less time) and usually fall asleep.

By doing this, I came to know that DS would often cry loudly and for quite a while before going to sleep, moving him and jiggling him made it worse. He just needed to be held quietly and allowed to cry himself to sleep. You will get to know your second baby. just be patient with yourself.

Thank you all for your input, it's really helped to hear from others. My first was a very easy baby, and never really cried, so I think that's probably why I'm struggling now.

I just feel out of my depth and although I try my best to comfort my newborn when she's crying/screaming, I do find it a struggle not to distance myself emotionally from her.

I'm also not very good at being open with others as I tend to keep things to myself. I know that I need to speak to someone about how I'm feeling, it's just easier to speak to strangers sometimes, even if that's on an Internet forum.

I felt like this early on with my second dc. My eldest was 6 when I had my second so I'd had 6 years of bonding and struggled not to resent my absolute nightmare newborn. She had reflux and when we got that sorted it was marginally better but I still felt very down and certain that I'd made a mistake.

It didn't change overnight but she's 2.5 now and I can definitely say I don't feel like that anymore. I'm not great with babies, much prefer children so I think moving out of the baby stage helped. Also my dc have a lovely relationship and I can see how much they get out of being together.

I kept all my feelings to myself too and didn't really have anyone to help with childcare except for dh who works full time. I do think it might have helped if I'd reached out so try to if you can.

Sorry if I've just rambled and not really helped. The point is it gets better.

I think it’s quite common to feel like this at first. If it lasts for a few weeks though do tell your Health Visitor as it could be PND. I personally think newborns are a bit rubbish but in no time you will have two super-cute siblings who will play together.

I remember when DD2 was born (DD1 was 8) being so excited that I’d had a little sister for DD1) It was wonderful and new for the first 2 weeks, everyone was popping round to meet her and it was a really happy exciting time. Then DP went back to work, it all calmed down and the exhaustion hit. I’d forgotten how tiring it was having a newborn and I felt like I didn’t get any quality time with DD1. I was sitting in the living room one day watching a film with DD1 and having a cuddle. DD2 was finally sleeping. Then she woke up and screamed and screamed..I tried everything, feeding, changing, burping, cuddling...but nothing worked. I passed her to DP and screamed that I hated her and she’d ruined everything.
I still feel guilty for saying it now, but right at that moment that’s how I felt. It’s a massive change and it takes a while to adjust. You’re not the worlds worst mum, trust me your not! You’re tired with crazy new mum hormones and a toddler to look after too.
Needless to say I love DD2 with all my heart now....and DS! It just takes a little time to adjust. You’ll get there, give yourself time and don’t beat yourself up. Hugs 💐 x

I felt like that with my 2nd. My eldest was so easy going and barely cried and was a dream to look after.
My youngest was a bloody nightmare. On top of the crying and the reflux I had depression and felt like I'd made the biggest mistake of my life.
Now though, my youngest is still a whingy pain in the arse quite a lot but is very popular, brave, independent and sensible and, for a 6 y old, quite street-wise. It's my eldest who I worry about most.

You are not a bad mum. This is far more normal than anyone lets on. Talk to your HV who may assess you for pnd and (if you’re lucky in your area like I was- thanks LEEDS peri natal team) get some amazing help.

This is so so common and you aren’t the worst mum in the world by any stretch. How old is the newborn?
An acquaintance of mine really struggled to bond with DC3 who was a very difficult baby compared to the first two. It took ages to diagnose them with silent reflux and CMPA and get help with it. One year on and they are so adorable - she loves having her little sidekick around while the elder two go to nursery and school. It will get better.
Is there any way you can get some baby free time? Express a bottle or give a formula feed that daddy can do and just go out for a short stretch?

Thank you all, it really helps to know that I'm not alone. She's 4 weeks old, so I realise it's only early days, but if I could give her back, I probably would do. I take care of her needs, but I don't feel much affection for her. Although I do feel upset when I think that, so maybe I do love her to some extent.

My DH is amazing and is happy to take over when he comes home from work. Newborn is also FF, so we share night feeds as well.

I think some childcare for my toddler would help the situation, but nursery isn't an option and time with family is limited.

How would your MIL feel about taking your newborn for an afternoon instead? You could have some 1:1 time with your toddler and have a break from the baby. Or if she is super keen she could take both.

Also newborn days are TOUGH. Speak to your HV and hang in there. It does get better. I also find it helps when they start smiling, like you are getting something back.