Please help with my 2 year old

[dinoegg]

I'd really appreciate some advice on how to deal with my 22 month old dd. I also have an 8 month old ds and she still hasn't taken to him in all this time really.

Anyway, the main issue is she is hitting and snatching a LOT. Ds is not allowed to look at things or play with things she will snatch them off of him hit.
Obviously this is wrong and I have tried telling no we don't do that and then giving it back, shouting, and then removing from situation and distraction.

None of this works, apart from occasionally when I have really lost my rag and shouted loudly. I know it is typical 2 year old behaviour, but I would love to know some coping strategies or ways to deal with behaviour like this because my go to thing seems to be to shout if I am stressed and I really don't want to be that kind of mum.

Also I've noticed my 8 month old is starting to have little strops just like the eldest (for example if in the buggy and I'm sorting the other one), and I don't remember dd having strops at that age so I think I really need to get in my head how to deal with these situations as I will have 2 of them doing it at some point!

Any advice gratefully received.

It's so easy to shout when you're pushed to it, OP. Don't feel bad. We all lose our rag when we're stressed.

I am similar if i'm honest and so is my son who's 24 months. The only thing I've found that works for him personally is giving him more time to get on board with sharing and not snatching etc (I've seen a big improvement in the last 2 months) and also removing him or the offending toy from the situation. If you're consistent and do the same thing every time he hits or snatches it will sink in eventually that his actions lead to him being taken out of play or him losing his toy for a couple of minutes. I've heard their behaviour is common until around 3 years of age though?! Eeek!

He used to leave the spot continually, laugh and grin as he waited for me and even do whatever landed him there straight away again once the time was up. Then we'd have to start over! Now he knows what's coming, protests to being put in the spot and says sorry instantly sometimes. Even if he says sorry I still take him to the spot and tell him why we're there to teach him sincerity. We round it off with a hug and go back to playing... until the next time! Same for taking a toy away. He used to cry for it for the whole time but now he says sorry and waits for the toy. I leave it on a shelf next to a clock and tell him he can have it back when the big hand gets to the next number (so he's not waiting ages). Sometimes he forgets he even wants the toy and it stays on the shelf for hours!

It's so frustrating that it takes so long for them to learn. To stop myself shouting (most of the time ) I remind myself 'Don't fight fire with fire' continually. I'm with you

Forgot to say, the frequency of us doing time outs or toy removal is coming down too. I give him a warning that it's coming if he misbehaves again and that can now sometimes be enough of a deterrent for him. He'll say sorry and not do it again because he doesn't want to stop playing.

@IchHabeDurst thank you for your experience that's very helpful. My dd speech isn't amazing so may be part of the frustration.

I will use the taking the toy out of the situation and doing a time out, hopefully we will get somewhere with that!

Do you have any ideas how to approach the hitting ds even when no toy involved? Sometimes he gets a bit close and may god forbid touch her or something and she will hit and kick out.

It's such a shame that she doesn't seem to like him at all. I've often said the toddlers we meet at playgroups are much nicer to him than she ever is!

Hitting is an issue for us too. My son still hits me, his dad and other kids but there seems to be a reason behind it every time and it's getting less with the boundary work and his continually improving speech. It's usually he wants our attention, he doesn't want ours or another child's affection or someone is in his personal space. So if we tried to give him a kiss he'd slap us in the face sometimes. If another child got too close, much like your DD and DS, he'd hit or push them away. If a child tried to hug him he'd hit them.

When he hits us for no reason/ for attention we walk away from him and tell him we don't want to play with him because he hit us. We literally give him no attention after that until he's apologised because he will follow us around trying to engage with us. He went through a phase of doing it a lot but I can't remember the last time he did it now.

If your DD hits your DS or other kids for no reason always pull her up on it and say something short like "We don't hit. Kind hands." or a similar phrase. If she does it again I would either remove her from play or take your DS away and stop playing with her. Show her that one way or another she will not be playing or getting your attention if she hits. She may feel it's justified to hit because your DS got too close to her but you're teaching her it's not acceptable. One of those ways may get through to her eventually or at least lessen the frequency with which it happens?

When my DS hits another child I always say "We don't hit. Hitting is not nice." Sometimes he says "No Mama" in response/ agreement. Sometimes he ignores me and carries on hitting again. Then I pull him away and tell him he can't play until he can behave nicely. Then we go back and try again.

Some days are worse when he's teething, ill or tired and on a short fuse. Being frustrated at not being able to communicate fully also brings the rage out of him and makes him hit and push. We're using Makaton signing which is helping bridge the gap at times.

I disagree that she should have to share all of her toys. I don’t think this is fair - when was the last time your friends rocked up to your house and started looking through your clothes and make up to share them? She needs some toys which are just hers.

@IchHabeDurst thank you so much, you've explained it really well for me and I feel an idiot now for not thinking of these things
Luckily she hasn't hit any other children yet, it seems to be saved for mostly ds and occasionally us. I'm sure it won't be long though before that starts!

@99calmbeforethestorm she doesn't have to share all her toys. A lot of the time ds is playing with his own toys and she decides ds cant play with it for some reason.
But thank you, I will take on board that they don't need to share all their toys and keep some things special