12yo caught shoplifting - advice on managing this please

[TheTurnOfTheScrew]

i have just collected my DC from the local supermarket where she was caught with £20 worth of stuff. I am gobsmacked. she's never had so much as a detention for uniform violation before. she was on her own, so no mates egging her on (not then and there anyway). i am too angry to discuss calmly with her so have sent her up to do her homework, and have removed her tech to check whatsapp etc for anything concerning. any advice from those who've been here?

Oh OP this sounds awful. First of all I would calm yourself down. I completely understand your anger but trust me- its not going to get you anywhere.
go and talk to your DC. Ask them why the felt the need to do it, if anythings wrong. There’s probably a reason she felt the need to do it. (maybe to act cool??)
then take away her tech for a while, lay down some ground rules but not harshly, reminding her that her actions have consequences. Good luck, sending you hugs! x

my niece did this, and my sister had a long talk with her about why it was wrong, and about all the time the people stacking the shelves take etc. she then found voluntary work for her (in a local charity shop) and made my niece volunteer there so she could see what it felt like to work in a shop environment and the work it takes. im not sure if they would take someone as young as 12 but it may be worth checking

thanks for the moral support
i am sure i will simmer down soon. she's given no sense of what was going on in her head at the time, which is the main thing i'm concerned about.
i am going to get her to write a letter of apology to the firm-but-fair store manager as well.

Try calmly to get to the bottom of why? Was it for a dare, was the stuff for someone else? Was it things she didn't feel comfortable asking for (DD's friend got caught stealing tampons once because she had a widowed father). The letter is a great idea and some sort of volunteering is always a positive move

God, I wish it were as noble/understandable as stealing tampons. She took £20 of sweets. She claims not to know why she did it, but I think the two main factors are an element of trying to buy friendship, and just wAnting the stuff.

OP odd question but is she a healthy weight?

I ask because if she stole food and planned to keep it hidden it could be an early sign of an eating disorder.

Do you have sweets/ chocolate in the house and available in small quantities or are they forbidden/ ‘bad’ foods to your dd?

No judgement at all by the way, I speak from experience on this one unfortunately having done something similar at 14.

it's a fair question Norris
i've noticed that she does lack self-regulation around sweet stuff. she has free access to the biscuit tin, and she always buys a few bits at the tuck shop at orchestra, so while i try to maintain a degree of moderation around sugary foods I don't think we've been overly restrictive. while she's said that the aim was partly to share the stuff with friends, I think she was definitely planning to have some herself.

Please don’t take this the wrong way.

How much of her life is controlled?
Is this her taking control of something?

I had a very close friend who was really intelligent at school but her parents were very controlling not in a horrible way, they just were. So her way of being in control was to shoplift. She got a thrill from it and it as a big FU.

well obviously i don't think i'm overly controlling. She chooses what she wears, who her mates are, she goes out unsupervised and has a reasonable amount of spending money to do whatever activities she wants, we don't micromanage her schoolwork - all fairly normal year 7 stuff from what i can gauge.

£20 is a lot of sweets, it's hard to see how she could think she would get away from it. It's very different from sneaking a lipstick into a pocket in terms of ease.

My first thought was bulimia, lots of food to binge and purge with.

Teens are impulsive and seeking friends approval.
Tell her you have decided a consequence but you want part of that to be an honest conversation. If you ever once took something you shouldn't have, this would be a good story to tell now, to show how you learned from it. Ask
Has she ever taken anything or wanted to take anything before?
Does she know anyone who has?
Does she sometimes want things she can't afford or isn't allowed?
Does she eat sweets in secret?
Tell her you will be getting more involved and checking up on her a lot more (boundaries will be reassuring).
Longer term, focus on self care and self esteem building with her.

DS did this at a similar age. Unless you've noticed any other problems I wouldn't overthink it. Just set whatever punishment you think is appropriate and then move on.

She's nearly a teenager. Teens can be reckless, test boundaries and have difficulty thinking through the consequences of their actions.

If she's generally sensible then the shock of being caught will probably deter her from doing it again.