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Parenting

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Original poster

Dp refusing to handover crying 9mth old

24 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 15/04/2019 10:03

Baby was hysterical, real tears last night and it was dps turn to do the late waking/feed if he got up. After 20 min of hearing him upset I went downstairs and he was very distressed. I asked dp to give him to me and I'll try and comfort him. As he was distressed.
He said no and it was fine. I said it was okay I didn't mind and he clearly was very upset and sometimes having his mom soothes him. Not dps fault just way he is ashes a bbay. He refused outright and wouldn't hand him over, I kep asking and baby was reaching for me but he kept refusing. I got upset and went upstairs as me being there was making baby worse as he wanted me.
I messages dp form. Upstairs again asking for baby to be told no.
I know he's dps baby to but I was very distressed by this. I'm not sure if it's okay or not? it wasn't a comment on dps parenting just that the bbay was upset and I find that distressing and wanted to sooth him.

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Dauphinois · 15/04/2019 10:07

I know if goes against every instinct but honestly, let dp get on with looking after his child.

It's so undermining for you to step in, makes it look like you think he can't cope / isn't good enough / whatever.

Be glad that your ds has a father who is willing to take the tough bits as well as the fun stuff - many children don't

chocolategivesmehives · 15/04/2019 10:11

Yup, I think you just need to let him get on with it. If DP was looking after the baby when you were out, you’d be unaware and he would have to deal with it. He is the baby’s parent. You don’t want to be the only one who can deal with an upset baby........

ICJump · 15/04/2019 10:15

Nope a distressed baby trumps your husbands feelings. Why would he want to leave your son distressed?

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Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 15/04/2019 10:19

He just settles better with me. Dp isn't horrible to him or anything. I just don't see need for him to be upset unessisarily. He settles easier with me.
Normally if he's not overly distressed then I leave him to it but there were rolling tears. He was very very upset hence why I was concerned

OP posts:

Branleuse · 15/04/2019 10:28

i think you need to let his father settle him sometimes even if it takes longer. I think you undermined him. The baby was with his father, he was safe and his dad wanted to comfort him. It wasnt a random stranger. I know it feels nice to be wanted and needed by a baby, but its really important that both parents can do it

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 15/04/2019 10:39

Yeah I guess. He was just soo upset last night and it made me distressed to hear him like that.

OP posts:

BananaBooBoo · 15/04/2019 10:49

I agree with PP, both parents need to be able to sooth their DC in their own way. As long as your DH was being patient and calm there is no need to step in . You dont want to be one of these parents who get called back from a night out etc because the other parent hasnt been given enough scope to learn how to placate their child.

LLOE7 · 15/04/2019 10:56

Actually I disagree with PP, if baby was reaching for you and was very upset, dp should have passed him over. He was being selfish imo and not putting baby's needs/wants first.

bluebell34567 · 15/04/2019 11:13

i understand where you coming from op and agree with LLOE7.
but on the other hand if you are not at home it will be very hard for your dp to settle him down.
are you breast feeding atm?

SleepingStandingUp · 15/04/2019 11:17

Op I do get you, and have done the same as you except DH normally storms off grumpy and leaves me to it.
He sees it as a criticism on him. I see it as quickest to do the job.

But I've realised I have to let DH get onn with it, and the more I do that when he cmactually can't do it, he calls me.

Baby will settle easier for you because you always do it. It's good for baby to learn to be comforted by Daddy too.

Unless DH is getting angry with him, or getting really upset etc. Then you def should take the baby from him

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 15/04/2019 11:33

Yep I breastfeed which is half the reason he settles better as comforts on me. I know I need to I guess. I just hate him being that upset and I find it distressing.

OP posts:

bluebell34567 · 15/04/2019 19:16

if you are breast feeding i think he should leave him to you at such situations.

sighrollseyes · 15/04/2019 19:31

My DH would hate if I did this to him, he'd think he wasn't capable. Then women moan that hubbys don't do anything - because it's always taken off them.
I'd be offended if my DH stepped in if I was struggling to do some DIY! It's no different here DH needs to settle child or you're going to make a massive rod for your own back when you do want to go out / have a weekend away and you've got a child clinging to you. Not healthy for anyone. Let daddy be the daddy.

TigerQuoll · 16/04/2019 07:12

This is a bit similar to when parents never let their kids do any chores because they do them slowly and badly to start with (easier to just do it yourself). And then wonder why they never help around the house as teenagers and treat mum like a maid.

If you want your DP to be able to handle your son without your help you have to let him learn and work on it. If you take your son off him then he won't learn and your DP won't be able to help you when you really need him to.

Stiffasaboard · 16/04/2019 07:18

Hang on if you are breastfeeding and your baby is small how did he know he didn’t want a feed?

I’d have been very upset in your shoes and my DH would have always passed me the baby to calm me down as much as anything. Being denied the chance to have a cuddle when you are witnessing a very upset baby is horrible and controlling of him.

In those situations my DH was brilliant at trying to deal with the kids it equally he would never ever have refused to let me help- mainly when the babies were hysterical we would take them to our bed together or the sofa and take it in turns holding and shushing so we were both involved and could support each other.

It’s parenting not top trumps.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 16/04/2019 07:36

He has the baby often and normally it's fine. Last night was fine. Grouching from. Baby but not. Hysterical bbay.
I think he was hungry and grouchy, he's teething at moment.
Anyway it doesn't really matter I guess, I was just upset to hear bbay upset. Which is normal

OP posts:

MrBobLoblaw · 16/04/2019 07:41

I totally understand why and how you find this hard, OP as I have been there too.

But your DS also has to learn to settle with your DP otherwise you're making a rod for your own back in the long run. It's also important for your DP to feel capable with your baby, especially if you're bf. I can see how he may have felt annoyed by you coming down (I don't mean this as an insult), especially if he already felt stressed by your baby crying. If I was in your position I'd probably apologise to DP this morning.

I've been there too OP and I know it's the worst thing in the world hearing your baby cry (for you) and just standing back.

SofaSurfer20 · 16/04/2019 08:02

He saw it as you trying to come to the rescue.

He refused because he wanted to prove he can do it himself.

Dont say to him sometimes he needs his mum. Wait till baby is crying with you and tell him sometimes he needs his dad.

He feels like he has something to prove and you coming down to 'take over' must have gotten to him

youarenotkiddingme · 16/04/2019 08:03

He'll always soothe better with you if you are always there to step in.

What if you can't be there one day .....?

Totally get that instinct step in though as it's awful to hear your child so distressed. But DO probably feels the same as you. Baby is lucky to have 2 parents who will equally put their all into caring for him.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 16/04/2019 08:43

True he's a good little boy most of the time. I just worry as he's my first and its overwhelming when the hormones kick in. Thanks for everyone's advice

OP posts:

Tinkoschminko · 16/04/2019 08:52

Hmm. I can see both sides. I have a 3yr old who I always went to when upset and DH couldn’t resolve and now all she wants is me and tells DH to go away. Not ideal.

Smoggle · 16/04/2019 09:03

If you don't let DP deal with him then he will never get as good as you.

ruleofthree · 16/04/2019 11:09

In general I think that once they get to the point of being hysterical it can be good to have a change of carer. It sometimes is enough of a change to snap them out of a cycle, whether that is passing to mum or dad.

It is important that both parents can deal with them being upset but also recognise that at some point it isn't about you, it is about soothing the child.

However if you are bf then he should have let you try to feed invade that was the issue.

ruleofthree · 16/04/2019 11:09

In case, not invade!

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