How on earth do we manage “safe sleep”???

[UpToMyElbowsInDiapers]

DS (3 weeks old) will only sleep snuggled up against me, or OCCASIONALLY in a cozy laundry basket my DM has filled with blankets. I bring him into bed to breastfeed, and often wake up 2 hours later to find he and I have both nodded off together... which he clearly loves. It’s the only way he’ll settle. In other words... not “safe sleep” at all. I am fully aware of this so please (please!) don’t tell me all the horrible stories of babies who have died in their parents’ bed or been asphyxiated by cushiony surfaces... I know. The stories are haunting me. I am fully motivated to change.

What I really need is tips to get DS to sleep in his sleep-safe bassinet for more than 7 minutes, which is his current record. Because that’s also untenable for our family. Please please please: how do I get this cushion-loving cuddle bunny to sleep on a firm mattress with no blankets? So far I’ve tried swaddling and I’ve tried pre-warning the surface with a heating pad. No dice. Other ideas...?

Babies evolved to co-sleep. Safe sleep guidance might be best practice but they don't know that

The research actually says that co-sleeping in the absence of major risk factors such as drugs, alcohol, smoking, or vulnerable babies (unwell, premature, low birth weight) and when ensuring the environment (bed) is free of suffocation, strangulation, fall and entrapment hazards it is only very slightly (or some research suggests not at all) more dangerous than cot sleeping. After four months there is really no difference in statistics at all.

Personally I believe there are actually protective factors to co-sleeping and some of the safe sleep guidance/research reflects this - we know that babies who sleep close to their parents are at lower risk of SIDS, the proximity affords a level of temperature regulation, which is a known SIDS factor too, and many breastfeeding mothers in particular report "instinctive" tendencies to adopt the safe co-sleeping position, in a C-shape around the baby, and a sort of "awareness" even in sleep. I think the main reason that cots are considered safer is because a cot is specifically designed to eliminate suffocation, strangulation, falling and entrapment hazards and you have to actually do things to them (add bumpers, modify bars, etc) to make them unsafe. By contrast an adult bed is not at all designed with a baby in mind and usually contains several hazards which need to be actively avoided or modified away.

It absolutely makes sense to have a cot as a starting point but I'm glad the lullaby trust have released information and guidelines about safer co-sleeping.

Swaddled with a dummy or co-sleeping are the only two ways I've found that work. And some babies won't take a dummy or be swaddled 🤷🏻‍♀️

There is some sound logic and tremendous reassurance here. Thanks everyone. I will be sensible about this, follow the safe co-sleeping guidelines for a few weeks even though that wasn’t the plan (!), and try to get him used to his cot during daytime naps when the stakes a lower in terms of my own sleep. Ahhhh, newborn life... :-)

I never intended to cosleep - then neither of my DC ended up sleeping in cot! However, both of them were in proper single beds before 18 months.

Things change. Find what works for you and your DS.

Get the biggest bed you can. I couldn't settle in the position with my arm around dd so fed her over one side of the bed then moved over when she fell asleep so there was about 3 foot between us! Obviously just until she could roll

Haha miggeldy, thanks for the tip, but unfortunately a bigger bed won’t fit in our room! I’m truly hoping this is a short-term thing and that no major furniture re-jigs will be required... 😁

@blackcat: yes, I’ve been trying to put him down after about 15 minutes asleep. Today for nap it has actually worked! Fingers crossed. I’ll keep trying. I like your idea about putting something that smells like me. I might tuck my nighty from tonight really tightly around the mattress tomorrow and see if that helps him at all. Although I wonder if he smells milk, whether he’ll be more inclined to get up sooner for another nibble? Frustrating, DS does nice 3-hour stretches during the day but only about an hour to an hour and a half at night. That’s probably another thread though... 😝

If you find baby feeding for hours on end ( mine would be nibbling for 6 hours at a time) try a soother as theyre just sucking for comfort. This might not be a problem though just thought I'd say it in case it helps. Only used it for a few weeks.

We have cot with 1 side off attached to our bed so cot mattress is same level as our mattress. I feed lying down leaning into the cot area and then when I finish just move back over to our side so baby is left in her cot. Although DD rolls over now to snuggle in she 9months so are going to lower cot mattress and put cot side back up as I'm worried about squashing her

I ended up co-sleeping during in the early weeks because that was the only way she‘d sleep longer than 1hour. After waking up in a cold sweat many times after falling asleep during breastfeeding, I decided that “cosleeping properly“ was genuinely safer than accidentally falling asleep with the intention of putting her back into the crib. So I did what many people here mentioned: Dress warmly so you don‘t need a blanket, lie sideways in a “C“ shape with the baby inside so it‘s virtually impossible to roll over. I also found online studies showing that breastfeeding mothers and babies have a special connection when sleeping and it‘s basically unheard of for accidents to happen, unless drugs or alcohol are involved.

I also got a Sleepyhead which was a lifesaver. From weeks 3-7, I would have the Sleepyhead on our bed and sleep next to it, with the occasional bed co-sleeping for difficult nights. After week 8 she started outgrowing the Sleepyhead because her arms would get wedged in the air so I tried putting her into the Chicco Next to Me and it worked! That was the crib she flat out refused to use when we first got home from hospital. Now at 16 weeks she still sleeps great in the Next to Me, provided she knows I‘m on the big bed next to her.

There comes a point where you're so tired you're going to fall asleep around the baby anyway, you might as well do it safely. Being extravagantly exhausted brings its own risks too.

I have a four week old and have really tried to avoid co sleeping. Like you I have fallen asleep BFing a few times. That has really worried me and now I go into the nursery to BF and not in the bed.
I have a Co-sleeper. It’s not an expensive Chico one it’s from amazon and was about £120 it’s brilliant. I can put a hand on babies belly.
I sometimes have a snooze co-sleeping. I wear a long sleeved top and pull the duvet down to my waist. If I can I’ll try and transfer him to his cot when he’s in a deep sleep.

It does say on the Lullaby site that sleepypods aren't recommended.

Congratulations. Bf is exhausting in the early days. Every hour during the night. I always put them back down in Moses basket or cot as soon as they’d finished feeding. Sometimes asleep and sometimes awake. Always comforted in between if needed. I was up and down sometimes 10 times during the night but after a few weeks they self settled and slept through all night after a few months. Never co slept but if I lay on top of bed feeding during day for example nodded off to sleep. Cosleeping terrifies me. Never did it. First weeks were torture but it paid off

Like Yellow I suggest a cosleeping cot with the cot mattress level with your mattress. I coslept with both DC in this way until they were 3 and outgrew the cot (but were still BFing). Slept much better than I would have, had I carried on trying to get them to sleep in the cot independently.

I can recommend the sound sleeper app. The white noise really seems to work for my little one. It is the only way we can transfer my 5 week old to the cot. We initially bought the sleepyhead with my first cot refusing child and it worked like a dream.

I should add I know the sleepyhead isn’t strictly recommended. Unfortunately I don’t know many people who have had newborns that slept in a way that fully complies with the ideal safe sleep guidance 100% of the time. What you don’t tend to see is guidance about balance of risk eg sleep deprivation and driving versus risk of safe co-sleeping or aids like the sleepyhead.