Should I have a child? Advice please

[jybay]

Dear Mumsnet, I hope you don't mind a non-parent joining in, but I would really welcome your advice.

My DH & I are trying to decide whether to have a child (assuming for the moment that we are able to conceive). I have a lot of doubts - my own mother was often unhappy & I was acutely conscious of that as a child. I am sure I would love a child but I know from my own childhood that love is not enough to make a child happy. My mother did her absolute best but a lot of her resentment & frustation showed through & deeply affected my siblings & me (though I am definitely not saying that this was her fault).

I am someone who really values her freedom & independence. I am terrified that I would resent my child and end up repeating the pattern of my own childhood. My DH also had a difficult upbringing & has similar concerns.

It's very difficult to talk to friends about this and I would welcome people's honest opinions. Do you think that someone like me, who has so many doubts, is better off not becoming a parent? Are there mums out there who felt the same as me but who went on to have kids? If so, what is your advice?

Many thanks

My DH had a difficult relationship with his Dad, but it made him all the more determined to do it right with his own children.

MN is a wealth of knowledge and support if you do decide to go for it and remember, no parent is perfect, we do get it wrong and we learn from it.

Do you think your Mum was suffering from depression? I very much doubt you were teh cause of it so there would be no reason for you to pass that unhappiness on to your child(ren)

I had a really happy and secure upbringing and happy parents,so can't identify with the first bit. I was never maternal particularly and left having a child, my son, until relatively late - having waited for my husband,who is 7 years younger than me to decide whether he was ready to have a child. But it's been the very best thing I ever did and I am so glad and grateful that I didn't leave it too late ! - if that's any help ? Welcome to mumsnet by the way !

Hi how old are you?

I felt like you thru my 20's and early 30s (although didn't have the unhappy mother thing going on). Had kids in my late 30s and have never looked back.

I just think some people shouldn't be parents. One of my close mate's parents are extrememly selfish, were as parents and also are as grandparents. She's (mate) going through CBT right now and is learning to let go of past hurts caused by her parents. My bf's parents are the same but his attitude is .... them!!

Have you thought of CBT or other counselling yourself? They who have it reckon it's nothing short of a miracle. It could help you decide if you're ready?

sorry I have to go in a minute but...

are you sure it was having children that made your mother unhappy?

This is a big decision for you...and a very personal one.
I will just say, I was worried about loss of freedom and independence...and it is a factor in the early months, no doubt about it...but you adapt, also your expectations change and there are compensations too of course.

Going back to work has given me a lot of freedom and 'old life' back but being part time has given me some time to enjoy my dd too. You will need to find the right balance for you if you do have children.

And I love my dd amazingly...it's almost frightening...

i was terrified i wouldnt be able to love my baby, before, during adn sometimes after pregnancy! in my family it seems fairly common for the women to give up on their kids. my sister doesnt live with her two, my aunt gave hers up, my mum found it v difficult to bond with my brother...she adored me, but she never really loved her first born, and he had and has enormous problems which i think are related to that.
anyway, despite my fears i got pregnant and my biggest worry was that if it was a boy i wouldnt love it, cos of my mum. it was a boy. but after sobbing my heart out for 24 hrs, i very slowly fell in lve with him when he was still inside me, at least, got protective of the minibeast. i made a deal with my partner that if i didn't love him, if i couldn't cope, i could leave, and he would bring up the baby and love him enough to give him a good family.
as it is, 9 mths on i adore my baby. i lead a totally different life to the free-spirited and revolutionary one i used to have....but i hope to lead that again when my boy is bigger. people seem to think - and i kind of did too - that having a baby is The End, and actually its a different life, but its not death!
most people i know are fearful of becoming like their parents. its a good fear to have, it hopefully makes us more thoughtful! but don't not do it for that. you can't wait for perfect sureness.i kept waiting for "the right time" but there never is any. you can't EVER be prepared for how enormous it is having a kid. but, unbelievably, its worth it. thats what i think anyway.

Having a child will change your life completely and take you to the highs and lows of life and frustration and patience and joy. You are right to consider it carefully. Remember you are not the same as your parents though.

picture yourself at 50

are you on your own or do you have a family?

that's all you have to think about it .. beyond that we all work day to day aiming to do better

I think that most mums would accept that when a baby comes along priorities need to shift and the baby becomes the main focus. Was your mother a stay at home mother? (btw I am a sahm, so don't think I am criticising this choice) Did she have aspirations that she felt she had to abandon to raise her children? Because these days it is certainly possible (although still difficult) to combine children and work, so there is no need to feel "trapped" by motherhood and wifedom. For some people being home with children does not make them totally fulfilled (although obviously they still love their lo's above everything else).

Anyway, you are not your mother - you are a different person who has probably already lived a very different life to that of her mother. Your upbringing will always affect your choices, but it should not dictate them - you need to do what is right for you and your dh, and only you can decide what that is. You are on the right track to making that decision because you are not making it lightly and it sounds like you are discussing all of your concerns with each other quite openly! Good luck with whatever you do!

Nobody has a perfect childhood. Life is not always straightforward, and all parents do or say things to their children that they may regret later. I think we all have some kind of 'stuff' we bring from our own experiences in childhood.

It sounds like you and your DH are very thoughtful people which is an important quality for parenthood. You are aware of 'stuff' from your own childhoods and will probably work hard to avoid the same 'mistakes'.

It sounds like you both want to have children. I'd say go for it. You may not be the most perfect parents but then who is?

I have friends who have decided not to have children and are happy with that, others who have had children and are happy. It is making the opportunity to make the decision that is important. The unhappier ones I know are those who do want children, but for whatever reason, don't have the opportunity. Don't know anyone who has children and wishes they hadn't (or perhaps they don't talk about it!)

'having the opportunity' I mean

When I got engaged my mother advised me not to have children - it's not worth it. She said I was a nightmare - although from as early as I can remember my main purpose in life was not to incur her awesome wrath. After my father died, 6 yrs ago, she expressed concern that adopting me had ruined their lives.

It seems obvious to me now, at 45 and mom to an adorable 2 yr-old (after ttc 8 yrs) that it was not me especially that was the problem. Any child would have been a problem. She was depressed and anxious with a rotten temper. And even without children, there would have been problems.

dh is one of 9 kids. His mom is really easy going and doesn't sweat stuff.

I worried so much about having kids. The idea terrified my up to my late 20s then I realised that underneath the anxiety and baggage I did want kids. I wish I could have more.

It does completely change your life and you cannot be independent as you are now. My life was very different - I worked overseas, travelled a great deal and partied hard. I do miss it but it's OK - I did enough for a few lifetimes. That was another life but not happier than this one.

I would not advise leaving it as late as me (which was not intentional) but don't rush into it either. I was in therapy for 4 yrs ending when I was 3 mo pg - I highly recomend it if you can afford it. I think if I'd had kids in my 20s it would have been disastrous. Late as it is - this has really been the right time for me personally but it almost didn't happen at all. My only regret is not being able to have another child.

Good luck with your decision, JIll

I think having doubts and thinking carefully about having children, are common feelings many people go though before having kids....I certainly did.

Just because you and your DH's parents had parenting issues does not mean that you and your DH will repeat that pattern.

Both my own parents had difficulties in their childhoods. They used their experiences positively, by using the poor parenting models they experienced, as a guidleline to things to avoid whilst raise me and my siblings.

I can honestly say I had a near perfect childhood and my parents (whilst not perfect)are very good parents and not once did they duplicated the poor care they received.

HTH

whilst raising

Great answer HedTwig.... makes you think.

If it's your doubts that are the most overriding thought then shelve the idea for now.... children may be right for you but just maybe not yet.

If it's your intention to have a child 'one day' then that is just not yet I think!