Toddler Dictatord makes Kim Jon seem easy going

[Allybee84]

I am struggling as a parent to my little boy turning three in late July. He is a very intelligent, verbal and emotionally intelligent little soul but also strong willed.

I did not manage to get him into the car this morning to go to a play date. Despite bribes, iPads and chocolate. I also failed to get him to crèche the other day and he is too physically strong even for my husband to get in car seat. He didn’t want to go despite my positive reminders about how fun, promoising shorter day, lolly pops everything. I struggle to ignore his tantrums and do things even if he’s screaming not to go to crèche - it’s too upsetting and I can’t do it.

He refuses to go to sleep despite bed time routines, books and we have to lie with him for one hour or take him on a drive if he is overtired as he becomes manic and impossible to reason with. He sometimes naps and sometimes doesn’t depending on my strategies working.

I’m exhausting and contemplating moving to Bali so I can have a nanny assist me with him. I know that sounds crazy but I feel like I’ve lost all control and don’t know how to reason with this tiny dictator. I have no time to do the things I need to do like fitness and graduate law course.

Advice - please be as honest and brutal as you want, I don’t care, I need advice,

You ask for brutal, here it is.

You talk too much, you give up too quickly. It seems like he is the king of the house and everybody bends to his rules.
You said you offered iPad, chocolate and brides during a tantrum. Seriously? Of course you are not getting anywhere.

You need to take control again. You decide. He misbehaves or go on mega tantrum, you must enforce a consequence. His favourite toy or t-shirt gone.
If he is really that strong you can't wrestle him in the car seat, and won't go to creche, he will have the most boring day ever, sitting in a room ( your bedroom, the laundry , the dining room) with no screens, no books , no toys, no interaction with you, certainly no park, a boring lunch.

Take a break from screens during a week and see if it improves sleep

I’ve lost all control and don’t know how to reason with this tiny dictator. you shouldn't talk with a dictator.

You can't keep on with his behaviour, so you should stop it after 3 seconds. He start winging, cut him short. with few words. " Stop now and stop screaming" , in the car or your dinosaur goes in the bin.

And do it. You need to understand you cannot reason with a 2 year old. It is like talking to a pitbull. You wouldn't do a speech to a dog if it is getting ready to jump at your throat, toddlers ( and teenagers) are the same, they do not listen when they have their idea in mind.

Your house it not the ONU, stop negotiating. It isn't working and it is making you unhappy

My two youngest are 3 and 4, and much as I hate to admit it, I do remind them of consequences a lot.

Reminding someone of a consequence might sound like a threat, but of course it isn’t 😂 It just happens to follow the format of “If you don’t do X right now, then Y will happen.”

If you don’t get into your car seat right now then special teddy can’t come with us in the car.

If you take your hat off and throw it one more time then you won’t get a biscuit at snack time.

That sort of thing. Also you have to follow through. Stay strong!

I did not manage to get him into the car this morning to go to a play date

did he say why he didn't want to go? Was he busy doing something he enjoyed when it was time to leave etc? Did he know that was the plan for the day?

He refuses to go to sleep despite bed time routines
Refusing to go to sleep is different to refusing to go to bed. Does he happily go to bed but wants you to stay with him or us up a fight yo get him into bed?

How much outdoor exercise does he get on an average day?

It sounds like he gas you wrapped round his finger because you don't like seeing him upset and rather than getting consequences when he kicks off he gets sweets, treats and bribes. What incentive does he have not to kick off?

Stop reasoning with a toddler as if they are a rational being.

Toddlers are not rational!

If it's time to go to crèche, it's time to go. It's not optional. He goes.

Same with anything else. Bedtime, nap time, play dates, whatever. You're in charge, so act as if that's the case. It really is!

The alternative is a 5/10/15 year old who has you totally under his control. Might be semi-cute now but a 9 year old tantrumming to get his way? Not so much.

Hmmm they are difficult at this age and they do grow out of it but, from your post there is far too much offering him stuff in exchange for doing as you as and giving in when he says no. You don't ask him if he will please please consider going to nursery if you give him a chocolate bar on the way. You give him a five minute warning then you tell in a firm voice that it is time to go. Then if he refuses there will be consequences.... which you stick to no matter how "upset" he gets. Super nanny used to make parents practise their authoritative voice in front of a mirror. Try this as it sounds as if you don't even expect him to do as he's told without a massive bribe.

Not every child will grow out of it. Sometimes a 2 year old dictator become a 5 year old tyrant !

Be an adult !

Oh dear op this is difficult but you cannot let him control you and your dh. I tend to use a mixture of emotional strategies eg you’re making mummy sad and therefore need to get in the car/get dressed etc. or if that doesn’t work and it sounds like you may need something stronger, you could try the naughty step or taking something away. Or just ignoring. Sometimes I do this if my 2 year old is tantruming over nothing, just get on with other tasks for a few minutes and then go give her lots of cuddles and kisses. She then almost always does what I want (getting dressed is the main thing in my house). It’s for her own good in the end as she has to do the things we want. Also give warnings of what is going to happen eg ‘in five minuets we are going to nursery’ etc.

It’s too upsetting and I can’t do it? But he’s learning that screaming gets him his own way without question. Is he actually upset or just trying to get his own way? Time to get tough. No discussion. No bribery. No other option.

@HopeOverAnythingElse As it happens, "not optional" is my go-to phrase for anything about which I am not prepared to negotiate. Getting dressed, brushing teeth, changing nappy etc. My 2-year-old knows now that even the most almighty tantrum will have zero effect on "not optional" activities. I do think you have to be strict with toddlers on a few basics. You can give choices elsewhere like which shoes to wear and does he want milk or juice to drink etc.

Agreed @Cuppaqueen which is why my 6 year old ended up with no story at bed time.

Allybee84 I’m going to go against the grain and disagree with a lot of the PP’s. Have a read of Sarah Okwell-Smith, learn about toddlers brain development, understand that ‘tantrums’ are normal and just big emotions, deal with them with empathy. He’s learning about being independent, he has little within his control at that age and he’s learning what he can and can’t control. He’s just a little child learning about the world, and it’s total bo**ocks that he’ll turn into some sort of devil child/teenager

Exactly, he's learning about the world. But he's not learning what he needs to from his parents before going out into the world!

Kids are going to get tired, and be hungry sometimes. But that's life, and they need to learn that kicking off isn't a resolution to things.

He’s learning about being independent, he has little within his control at that age and he’s learning what he can and can’t control. He’s just a little child learning about the world

Well yes, I agree with you that toddler tantrums are a sign of big feelings, however, when they're having these big feelings children need to be made to feel secure. Appropriate, firm but kind boundaries make a child feel secure.
Being made to feel as if he is in charge of everything will actually scare the crap out of a toddler and make the tantrums much worse as they're fuelled by feelings of insecurity on top of the normal feelings that he already has.

Use this well-rehearsed script which involves choices and consequences:

Joya, you have a choice.
You can either get in the car yourself or I will put you in the car.

If you choose to get in the car by yourself then we can get off to nursery where you can play with your friends.

If you choose not to get in the car then Mummy will put you in the car and your teddy will not be coming to nursery with you.

It’s up to you – it’s your choice.

(But either way, he IS getting in the car and he IS going to nursery).

I agree with others, 'If I give you this nice thing, then will you do what I want?' doesn't work with toddlers. Once they've got the ipad/chocolate etc, they don't care about doing what you asked in return. It has to be about how the bad thing will happen/nice thing that will be taken away depending on their behaviour.

Also lots of warning if they tend to kick off when things change - 'You have stop watching at the end of this programme'; 'You have 10/5/2 minutes until you have to put the trains away'; 'We are going to X's house in 10/5/2 minutes' etc

I have an extremely strong-willed nearly four year old.

I do empathise with her feelings, and to an extent pick my battles, but am very firm with the non-negotiable stuff. Every now and again her behaviour will deteriorate, e.g. listening far less, non-compliance, shouting 'no!' and blowing raspberries at me(!) if I ask her to some something or tell her off. I find that if I start going to immediate consequences, with no warnings/counting to three, etc, it rarely takes more than a day before the penny drops, and normal, mostly reasonable behaviour returns.

There is a massive difference between an occasional tantrum and controlling the house by refusing to go to sleep every single night, dictating where and when to go and keeping the parents hostage to his wishes

looks like the OP has a (albeit short) habit of starting threads and not coming back to them so I'm not sure if anything we will say will make a difference.

Suspect if their parenting style is like their posting style it probably goes some way to explaining the problem.