DD tantrums, what have I done wrong?

[jaychops]

DD is 3.5. We have 4 month old DS, so big changes at home recently, but she absolutely adores him and always wants to include him in everything. She goes 2 nursery 3 days a week but sometimes I don't send her all 3 days whilst I am on maternity leave, however she loves it so much that she asks to go when she's not there. DS although lovely is quite a challenging baby and does cry a lot.

Since turning 3, tantrums have developed significantly and are definitely getting worse. Numerous times every day she throws herself on the floor, screams, wails and even hit me today, all because she doesn't get her own way about sometimes the most simple of things.

We have tried everything and I'm at the end of my tether. We give her one to one attention/days out with each parent and also both parents whilst grandparents look after DS. Tried earlier nights to get more sleep. Taking her out to where she wants to go, or staying in for the day doing activities she wants to do even if it's just watching films. In terms of handling them, we've tried lots of different approaches - being calm, explaining things (afterwards of course), shouting, cuddles, ignoring her, sending her to her room, etc etc...

I just wondered whether this is normal for her age or if anyone has any advice on how to handle this? She wails at the top of her voice and I'm sick of her doing this out in public. I don't want her to grow up a spoilt brat but equally I know she's been through a lot recently with little brother arriving.

Yes tantrums are normal, little ones sometimes can’t cope with ‘big feelings’ so this is a way of letting it out. As you say your DD has been through a big change as well as the usual toddler stuff.
How you handle it really depends on your parenting style. I’m trying to follow gentle parenting so they would (I think) name the feeling - “You’re cross/sad/ frustrated because... - empathise and offer support through the tantrum, which would depend on the child, but saying something like “I’m here if you need a cuddle”.
But I don’t think it’s possible to completely avoid tantrums tbh.

You are expecting her to act older and not like a 3 year old who has just had her life turned upside down with a new baby brother

First off try to ward them off over tiredness hunger etc all causes. Listen as much as possible to her within clearly defined boundaries let her has a voice e.g she wants mismatched socks fine, water in a particular cup etc. Pick your battles and don’t rush to conclusions

Then just let her it’s an important phase in learning to control emotions and cope with negative ones. Let her figure out coping strategies for this we all have too

You have done nothing wrong. NOTHING!. I promise you it is a normal part of having a toddler.

When ds1 was going through the tantrum stage, I reached the point of sobbing on the phone to dh because I couldn’t cope with the fact that ds1 had been screaming for nearly an hour, after having had a 90 minute long tantrum only the previous evening.

As I wailed to dh about the tantrums, ds1 stopped crying - so I rang off and went to investigate. I found him standing by the kitchen bin, eating the left over tortilla chips dh had thrown away the previous evening.

And that is not the worst part. I stood there and thought ‘If I take ds1 away from his yummy bin-snack, he will start screaming again, and I just cannot face that’ - ^and I let him carry on eating u TIL he had had enough, and wandered off to do something else - and then I emptied the bin, and found it a new, ds1-proof home.

Ds1 is now nearly 26 - he had no ill effects from his snack, and grew out of the tantrum stage before I lost the last shreds of my sanity.

Of course, I did have ds2 and ds3, both of whom went through the tantrum stage too - plus the joy of the teenage years x 3, so my sanity is long gone - not only have I lost the last of my marbles, but I’ve lost the bag they came in too - but it is worth it.