Still Feel Sad About Not Breastfeeding

[Elliesw]

My little boy has just turned one and I am still struggling to come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t breastfeed him. I think and feel sad about it every day, time isn’t making it much easier... I know logically that I tried, did what I could for him at the time and in the grand scheme of things it probably won’t even matter etc but I can’t seem to shake off the sadness. It also makes me feel like I can’t have another child - I just don’t want to go through the whole thing again, feel so miserable and such a failure. Again, logically I know this is a ridiculous line of thought...

I guess what I’m trying to ask is, does anyone feel/has anyone felt the same? How long did it take you to get over it (if that’s possible?!)

I felt like this and in a way it's intensified because I have been able to breastfeed with my second so I feel guilty that my second son has what my first didn't. I feel that what happened the first time, though, is exactly what made it successful this time. Second time around I was prepared, knew what could go wrong etc. I was also relaxed about mixed feeding and happily switch between breast and bottle so my nipples and I get a chance to recover.

You can't change what happened with your first and I understand that feeling of guilt and anger about it, I still feel that too. But you love your son, formula is great, he is healthy and happy. Breastfeeding is strange because a lot of the time I feel that it's about the mother rather than the baby - there's a weird psychological relationship to it. I don't know the solution to that but I think you need to give yourself a break, you're a wonderful mother - that's what your son needs and it's far more important than how he was fed

Thank you 😊 I feel like I tried to prepare the first time round (read the books went to local LLL meetings, I even practised hand expressing before he arrived...) but it still just didn’t work out. Without giving you my life story, what I couldn’t prepare for was the pain, bleeding nipples, tongue tie, unhelpful ‘supporters’. Even saying this stuff I feel like I’m making excuses for being a rubbish failure. So I think you’re right, it’s more about the mum than the baby - my son is happy, no allergies, no more or fewer colds etc than any other baby. I just can’t get over the sadness that I’ve lost out on something. Hopefully it will go eventually and I won’t be at the school gates in 5 years time wondering / beating myself up over which children were and weren’t breastfeed 🙈 thanks for listening xx

Not at all, those are the exact same reasons it didn't work out for me either. It might help you to recognise that this is about you rather than your son who is perfect and has absolutely not been effected negatively by being formula rather than breast fed. If you switch it around, if you had persisted in breastfeeding through all that pain etc then the emotional / psychological trauma of that would have likely impacted him/your relationship with him. And that really would have been something to regret. I stopped trying to bf when I realised I dreaded picking my son up. You did the right thing - the best thing for you and for your son. That enabled you to share a closeness that breastfeeding might have actually prevented you from having xx

Sometimes breastfeeding just doesn't work out for reasons beyond your control. You did what was best for your baby which was to keep them fed and healthy. It doesn't matter that it was formula. That's by far the superior option when the alternative is a hungry baby who fails to thrive and loses weight.

Please don't feel bad about it and don't let it put you off having another child. You never know, it might be easier next time anyway as every baby and pregnancy is different.

And my formula-fed son is also robust as an ox!

Thanks both. It definitely did interrupt bonding. In desperation I pumped round the clock for weeks and didn’t want to hold him. Even now when I have a bad day I think I feel like this because we didn’t breastfeed. How sad is that?! Nice to know I’m not alone, I know millions of women have had similar experiences...I’m just trying to figure out if it’ll ever feel less sad xx

Oh me too, she’s only 5 months old though so still hoping it fades. Sometimes I manage to turn it into anger - anger that tongue tie isn’t routinely checked for at birth, and anger that there was so much pressure to breastfeed I didn’t even know combination feeding was even a possibility, midwife and classes made it sound like it had to be 100% BF or 100% FF. This is probably not good advice as it’s still a negative emotion but it helps that it’s not directed towards myself

You sound like a lovely mum. I stopped bf at 6 weeks old. DD was putting on weight etc, and physically bf was comfortable, but mentally and emotionally it was hell. She wanted to bf almost constantly, day and night, and I was starting to resent her. I didn’t want to ever cuddle her as I was so sick of constant feeding. I have big boobs, had a difficult c section, so I could only really feed her in the rugby hold at a certain angle. It made going out anywhere really difficult, and I felt like my life had been ruined. Switching to formula saved my sanity - DD started sleeping well, was far more contented, and we were all so much happier. She’s nearly 2 now and I love motherhood, and her, so much.

I really think there is so much pressure on women to bf - not really even from HCPs, but often other women / parents. I put a lot of pressure on myself, and looking back, wish I hadn’t persisted for so long - I actually feel traumatised by it, and it was only a few weeks. It has put me off trying for another child.

I guess what I’m trying to do is say, it’s OK. You love your child and have done the very, very best for him.

I agree @Sipperskipper. There is a lot of pressure combined with a demonisation of formula (things like not been able to claim advantage card points on formula at Boots). All of this - set up to promote breastfeeding - ironically hinders long term breastfeeding (by ruling out mixed feeding for one) and it makes those who are unable to do it or don't want to do it feel guilty or like they've failed. And this has long term effects, as we're all acknowledging here.

The anger is there too, mainly because I feel like it’s portrayed as a much more simple thing than it is - you’re made to feel like if it hurts then you’re doing something wrong. I still want to cry when I think about the big burly midwife who said ‘well you’ve not latched him properly then have you?!’ after I told her that his feed felt like painful electric shocks on night 1 in hospital. I get that they want to encourage people and not put them off, but a little honesty about how awful it can be might have adjusted my expectations. Also angry at the idea that it’ll all magically work out if you ‘get support’. I had that from midwives, bf peer supporters, a lactation consultant and more and it still didn’t work. But also totally agree that pressure is for other mums. People I barely know still ask me to this day ‘are you still bf’ing him?’. The assumptions and judgments are everywhere. Anyway I can feel myself ranting now 🙈 thank you all so much for your kind words and support. One day I hope this will just be a dim and distant memory!! Xx

Antenatal classes have alot to answer for too i think. They bang on about how lovely it is and bonding with baby blah blah, like its all sunshine and roses. They dont tell you how fucking hard it actually is! When youre sat in your bathroom at 4am sobbing your heart out cos all you want is for baby to fucking sleep so you can get a break from feeding and then you feel guilty for feeling that way.

My DS is 15 months and I still sometimes feel sad about not being able to BF or express (very much). We never managed the latch, the midwives were useless, there was no support available at home and I didn't feel well enough or confident enough to get to a bf support group. I'm crying just thinking about it.

But anyway, he thrived on formula, it meant I could go to bed and leave him with my husband to do the evening feeds in those testing early days. He's ridiculously healthy and well. It does get easier and you will feel better about it.

It’s hard because I feel like every time I have a ‘good’ day we go to a playgroup and the first thing I’ll see is a bf’ing mother and I feel myself welling up and desperately wanting to get out of there. Even now going to the toddler groups I see two and three year olds being fed. Whilst I make no judgment on it at all (though I expect bf’ing a toddler wouldn’t have been for me) it just means it’s there, reminding me of how it all went wrong. Seriously I think this is going to stay with me til the school gates or longer 😩 My mum said the other day ‘youll stop feeling sad when you let yourself stop feeling sad’ which is good advice, I’m just not sure how to do it at the moment! Thanks for sharing your stories xx

I felt this way too. Ds1 had neonatal jaundice, and was in an incubator - when his bilirubin levels didn't start to go down, they told me to supplement his breastfeeds with formula, because he needed the fluid and the calories - so of course I followed the doctor's advice - but this spelled the end of breastfeeding him. I tried to stimulate my supply, once I was home, by pumping, but after 10 days of pumping after every feed, I produced only 4.5ml in a day - exactly the same amount as I'd produced on day 1.

With ds2, I was adamant I was going to succeed at breastfeeding - he lost 10oz off his birthweight, and just didn't put it back on. I had the HV visiting every day or every other day, and saying she wanted him to put on half an ounce a day by her next visit. When she raised the idea of formula feeding, I told her how committed I was to succeeding with breastfeeding, and she said to me - and I quote - "Well, I have to think of the best interests of the baby!!" At which I asked her how dare she suggest I wasn't thinking of his best interests by trying to BF, and told her to leave my house!

At 6 weeks old, ds2 was admitted to hospital with a chest infection - but once we were on the ward, the main focus was his weight - I even heard them saying 'failure to thrive', which terrified me. Basically, we were kept on the ward until I agreed to start supplementing with formula, and he started to gain weight. Again, supplementing with formula spelled the end of breastfeeding.

With ds3, I mixed fed almost from the start, and kept it up for 12 weeks - twice as long as I had managed with either of his older brothers. I breastfed him during the day, and he had a formula feed last thing at night, and when he woke in the night. If he had those two formula feeds, he put on weight at a rate the professionals were happy with. If I replaced one of those formula feeds with a breastfeed, he stopped gaining weight.

I struggled for years with this, and with the feelings of guilt and inadequacy - all my friends breastfed with no problems, and I was so hard on myself because I couldn't - I think it contributed to me getting PND.

But over the years, I have come to realise that, although breastfeeding is an amazing thing to do for your child, there are so many other amazing things you can do - weaning them on home cooked food, for example, and encouraging them to try lots of different tastes. Reading to them, playing with them, doing craft activities, taking them to the park or the beach or the countryside, taking them to sports clubs or hobbies like Guides or Scouts, helping with homework - the list is endless.

And none of us can do 100% of these, 100% of the time. All we can do is our best, on the day. And that is fine - in fact, it is better than fine.

I now have three adult sons - two have degrees and are now working - one is a quantity surveyor with a law degree, and the other is a Maths teacher, and their younger brother is completing his degree. They are all healthy, happy young men, and none of them have suffered at all from not being breastfed for more than a few weeks.

Please don't beat yourself up - you are doing an amazing job.

Thanks for sharing. This is exactly what puts me off having another. It might not happen again (every baby is different and I’d have a bit more knowledge next time round) but if it did I don’t know how I’d cope. I can’t do another year + of constantly thinking about it, crying about it etc... I was referred to see a counsellor and she has been helpful, saying it’s a bit like mourning for something that you wanted but had ‘died’ - time is the only healer but I don’t want to risk doing this all over again 😥 Sorry if this all sounds really pathetic! It’s just where I’m at with it at the moment xx

Look at your little man. He is healthy and growing, you did that, you changed his nappies, feed and cleaned him.
When you walk into the room he loves you, you are so much more than just a milk giver. You are his world...

@Elliesw - I am so sorry that my post has made you feel that way - I wanted to show you you are not alone, and that other people have been through what you are going through, and not only survived but thrived as parents too. I am so sorry my post was so clumsy.

You ARE an amazing mum. You have made a beautiful baby, and are being absolutely the best mum you can be - and there are so many more amazing things you can do for your baby in the future. Yes, breastfeeding is a great thing to do for your baby, but it is only one of the many things you can and will do for him, and I wanted to tell you that, in the grand scheme of things, it is all the things you do do for your child that will matter, not the one thing you didn’t do.

If you take away anything from my story, please let it be the fact that my boys have grown up healthy, happy and successful, and that my failure to breastfeed hasn’t harmed them at all. And to please go easy on yourself - I know the pain you are feeling, and I am living proof that you can and will get past it.

And I do not regret for an instant having three children, even though I went through the struggle of not breastfeeding each time - they are my pride and joy, and that outweighs - obliterates - the breastfeeding struggles.

{{{hugs}}}

I felt the same for many years

However my children are now young teens and tbh it made no difference.

In their school classes you cannot tell how they were fed! Honestly accept it & move on

Oh no please don’t apologise! Sorry for coming across as too sensitive. Your boys sound lovely and it means a lot to have an example of someone coming out of the other side even when faced with multiple bf’ing struggles! Xx

@mummy2017 I cried when I read your kind message. Thank you so much xx

Ps @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius hugs back xx

Just to add OP, I was a wreck for weeks when my boy turned one, I was upset about everything because it felt like such a milestone. Maybe that's part of what you're feeling too. X

Today there is a guilt culture.
If you have drugs bad
You don't breast feed bad.
You work bad.
You stay home with baby bad...
Stop accepting this as true...
100 years ago to have a health child after birth, to raise that child to a year, you would be class as a super hero ...

It might be worth (if you can afford or source for free) a session or two with a counsellor. It can be wonderfully liberating to express all your feelings and have done properly hear and acknowledge you. Too often when we share problems our natural response is to say things to make person feel better, compare our own stories or downplay. Sometimes the most helpful thing is for someone to be with us, in that hard place with all those difficult emotions. No one can change your experience. And as rational as you can be seeing that your son is growing/developing well that still doesn’t change that things didn’t go as you hoped. You can find a properly qualified counsellor here www.bacp.co.uk/.