Mil teaching hitting 😕

[Fadime123]

My MIL originally looked after my son now 16 months for 9 months and then told me she could not carry on as my SIL / s was complaining. So as I had already returned to work part time I enrolled my son to nursery for 3 days a week which has been 2 months now. My mother still looks after him 1 day during the week and last week when DH went to collect DS from her she told him she was teaching him to hit so he would not be bullied at nursery. DH and FiL told her not to. I went to collect DS this week from her and was told she was teaching him to hit because he had been "saying" he was being hit at nursery- he obviously cannot talk to that extent and had been hitting his hand on his head because his teething. Again I told her she needs to not do that he might hurt another child but she just carried on. The nursery is a private nursery with friendly staff and extremely well mannered children. I feel my MIL is guilt tripping me for putting him in nursery and the family had expected me to give up work to look after the baby as that is what my SIL with the same type of job as me did- she now hasn't worked for 8 years. I can't afford to keep him in nursery for whole time and the 1 day he is with them is when they get to spend time with him. I just don't want him being taught to be aggressive as he has started hitting us and laughing because he thinks it's funny and when we tell him no it's just confusing him. 😬😬😬.

She's an idiot.
The only thing you can do is stop her doing childcare. You will have to pay for the extra day at nursery.
Or smack her every time you see her.

I’m teaching my child that he mustn’t hit first, but if someone hits him he can defend himself. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

SosigDog that’ll get him in trouble at school. If there is absolutely no way to get away from an aggressor without hitting or kicking then they have no choice. But saying “they started it” doesn’t mean a child won’t get into trouble for hitting themselves.
You have to find the money for nursery OP if she can’t be trusted.

“Get into trouble” - as if the school will do anything. They have no power! Can’t physically discipline, can’t expel, can’t do anything. They don’t even stop bullies never mind a kid who’s just defending himself. All that will happen is a wishy washy telling off.

Don’t be daft! Schools can and do exclude kids for violence.

Every child is entitled to an education. They can’t exclude kids for violence. They have to give them additional support and plans for this that and the other and verbal interventions and one-on-one assistants and all kinds of crap. It’s laughable that anyone thinks schools can just exclude violent kids. If they could do it they would!

I have worked in a school that did.

One problem is that little kids don't distinguish between someone hitting them on purpose and accidental bumping.

Years older than this little one, my 4 year old was getting picked on a bit so I decided it was time to tell him about the concept of self defence. Next thing he pushed back at his playmate who had knocked into him by accident. So I rolled back on that advice until he had a bit more sense.

It's irresponsible to tell him this at 16 months old.

However the long term problem in schools my children have attended is that as time goes on those who complain someone has hit them are mostly told to go away and stop telling tales.

He’s 16 months he doesn’t need to physically defend himself! The nursery will sort out any toddler squabbles.
Your Mil is nuts. You’ve told her to pack it in and she’s insisting on ignoring you and now your ds is confused. Sorry you need to make alternative arrangements.

Never known anyone excluded for violence. Certainly hasn't happened for general thumping. My one son got thumped a few times by a girl in his year. He won't hit her back as she's a girl and has issues for which the school supports her so he'd be the one in trouble.. anyway that's far away from 16 month olds at nursery!

But yes violence is often tolerated in schools ime.

Your MIL is wrong and irresponsible. I'm just wondering how you can 'teach' someone to hit though. Is she hitting him and encouraging your son to retaliate, or something else?

I would lose my shit if my MIL taught my son to hit!

She gives him stuff like sticks / fly swatter and holds his hand to get him to hit at her and laughs and says good boy - which we say to him when he does something we want to encourage- when he does it. He is pretty quick to mimic behaviour so I've seen him do it and gets worked up and does it harder and harder. She won't correct him when he is hitting/ slapping and encourages it by laughing and cuddling him so I guess he thinks he is doing a good thing. He understands 'no' but she won't say it to him. I don't want to fall out with her and was wondering whether if I tell her he hurt a kid in nursery so as to scare her not to keep doing it, it might help? Seems crappy to lie but might be the least confrontational method to nip it in the bud before it gets engrained.

No. Tell her you don’t want her hitting or don’t leave her alone with him. I can’t believe you’re tip toeing round this.
Thankfully my kids go to schools where violence isn’t tolerated.

Making up stories is not the way to address this. You and your DH need to sit down and tell her clearly that you don’t want your child being taught this. If she won’t respect your wishes you need to make other childcare arrangements or change your hours. That’s always the problem with free childcare - it makes it hard to put your foot down if the carer is not doing things to your liking.