Non resident mums 😔 I'm dying inside

[Magnoliamagic]

I divorced 2 years ago and last year my daughter went to live with her dad. It's just got harder and harder and at the moment it is affecting everything. I just start crying anywhere anytime, I am struggling at work because I resent being there and feel like it's stopping me from seeing my dd. I wake up really early and can't get back to sleep.
How do I deal with this
My boss has referred me to occupational health but I really don't want to talk to anyone at work about it.

How old is your dd? Was it her choice? Is he a good df or the easier option?

She is a teenager, it was her choice and legally there was nothing I could do about it.
He is a loving father who she has always adored. Everybody turned against him because of his behaviour wephen we split, that only seemed to push to him more.
It was definitely the easier option for her, he lets her do pretty much anything she wants
They live so far away I'm not getting to see her, it's just awful and I can't stand it

What is contact like between the two of you?
Is it strained or is it ok and you can Skype and such?

Sounds rough on you, all you can donis support her and be there for her if she needs you, which is no help to you right now.

Keep up contact with her, even/especially when she ignores you or acts like she hates you. She doesn't, she's just a teenager and part of that is anger at the world. Send her goodnight texts without worrying about a reply.You will still be getting through to her. Send her postcards of day trips you might go on. Something she might keep. A book you thought she might like. A facepack. Think forwards to when she is an adult and build the bridge for a better relationship. Try not to let on how sad you are, but do tell her you miss her and love her. Make your life one she can admire. It will get better.

I don’t know how much I can help. I’m in a similar situation but my ex controls my dd just as he did me. It’s unfair, damaging and devastating.

The truth is you know you are the only mum she’ll have. You have to be there as her mum as much as you can. It’s exhausting and very distressing. You need to be as present as you can in her life. So what is it she needs from her mum? What does being her mum mean. I’m not saying it’s easy but you have to keep reinforcing that you’re there. Because at some point she’ll be an adult and it’ll change again.

I give my dd pocket money. Pay her clubs, keep in touch with the school. Send things she needs. Sometimes she speaks to me - sometimes she blames me. I have to keep going. There isn’t an alternative really.

You need to grieve too. But you have to be there as her mum. You don’t know when it’ll change.

Yes as Twillow says. That’s exactly it. I text my dd every day. Pretty sure I’m blocked for now. Keep going - she will need you.

I pay maintenance to her dad, I pay her mobile phone and Netflix and also pay into a Davis account for her.
I only get to see her one weekend a month if that!
It's horrendous.
I am in a new relationship which is wonderful and she loves my new partner but I'm so sad inside I can't deal with it at the moment. I honest,y think if it wasn't for my partner I'd be very unwell
It's like grieving but nobody understands

Savings account not Davis account 🙄

It is like grieving. Take your time with your feelings, but keep up the contact. She still needs you. I do feel so much for you.

Sounds unbelievable tough. Be as gentle with yourself as you can.

What else apart from money? Any school subjects, hobbies, anything else you can be there for? It’s heartbreaking but every little thing will count - for both of you.

I guess nobody ever thinks this will happen to them, I certainly can't believe it's happened to me.
It has affected everything, even my friendships, I find it difficult spending time with my friends because all they talk about is their children and their children are always around. at work all the women talk about is their children, it's torture, I just lock myself in the toilet sometimes and cry.
I feel helpless really

I have paid for her school trip in May, I'm taking her on holiday later in the yea.
I can't really do much because we are so far away

Text her. She doesn’t have to reply. Text her goodnight. Ask Is she all sorted for her trip? It is horrendous and it does affect everything. I actually feel ashamed- even though I’ve done nothing wrong. I know people, I mean just in the coffee shop, my neighbours who have no idea I have children. I can’t think too much about that. I have no idea if it’ll be ok, but I have to be there, for later in her life.

I know what you mean, I wonder sometimes what people must think. It's so unusual for a daughter to leave her mum. Sometimes I feel angry with her for going with him and humiliated that my daughter left me.
It's just awful and I know I will never have another child and I'm so sad that I'm missing out on my dd when we should be doing things and growing together

Yes I’m afraid it feels humiliating to me too. But it isn’t. You have to put that to one side anyway to a certain extent because it won’t help either of you. I do wonder if mums feel more secure and so children will feel safe to ‘reject’ her (for want of a better word). If my kids rejected their dad, he’d kick them out. You really are going to have to find a way to make the most of the contact you have. Even if it’s one way letters? Emails maybe. Nothing too heavy- just what you’re thinking about, nice shared memories?

Op I have been you. My ds got into massive trouble at school (drugs), exh minimised everything and ds stayed away from my house - easier at df's. I didn't see him for a year, at all. Got a text one day asking me to go pick him +his stuff up!! He needed a parent he said!! Df was neglectful and a bully. 6 months later his younger db went nc with exh. I now have both full time.
Be patient op.

Hi OP. How are you doing today. I’m particularly feeling it today. Getting on ok by phone mainly with DS but DD won’t speak to me at all.

How far away do you live? Is there an option to move closer or look for cheap transport to make eow contact?

I love the postcards idea and little packages, a book, some makeup. There are apps which send photos as postcards and you can do it all from your phone.

There will come a time when she changes her mind and wants to come back. Just be patient.

That must be horrible for you.

Can you do things together despite the distance like watching the same TV programmes at the same time and chatting about them afterwards?

Are you sending her a message every day? How often do you talk to her?