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Parenting

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Original poster

Kissing and affection

10 replies

sophied1983 · 06/04/2019 14:25

This topic has probably surfaced on here before. It's the one area of parenting me and hubby have disagreed on.

He expects a kiss or some kind of grand farewell whenever he leaves for work etc. from our 2.5yr old. He even said she was naughty once for not saying goodbye properly.

I totally disagree. I don't think kids should be forced to kiss on demand. Particularly when in the middle of doing something.

I've tried to bring it up with him and say something there and then.

Sometimes I get used as a pawn - "look, mummy is giving me a kiss goodbye".

It winds me up sooooo much!!!

OP posts:

Jackshouse · 06/04/2019 15:33

It’s good to teach your child that it is polite to say goodbye and wish someone a good day. But we need to teach our children bodily autonomy and they shouldn’t ever be made to kiss anyone. Can you just encourage your child to say.a nice good bye?

Breathingfire · 06/04/2019 18:49

My Dds know they don't have to hug or kiss anyone. However I would expect them to say goodbye to their dad, or anyone.

This is unrelated but when my husband and I were first dating, about 1yr in my SIL (who dislikes me) commented about how I always say hello and ask how she is when I went into their house. She asked me not to speak to her and said it wasn't necessary to be polite. I'm a polite person and it really irritated me. I don't want to live in a home where people don't acknowledge each other and be nice

I'd also be a bit gutted if I was going out and dd didn't say bye

sirmione16 · 06/04/2019 20:17

I agree with you 100% it's wrong. My stepfather does this to my niece (2yo) and it makes me cringe. Sometimes she'll ask nicely for something and he says "okay but kiss/cuddle first" and honestly if that were my daughter I'd be mortified that she's basically being taught that affection is a tool to use to get something and also that it should be given when demanded by another. Both of which are so wrong. I think you need to have a chat with him and explain what your daughter is learning through his behaviour. I'm sure he wouldn't want her feeling obligated into affection with some guy in her teens or older, what's the difference here?

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sirmione16 · 06/04/2019 20:19

And aside from my previous comment, you both as parents should be on the same page as to what you expect of her. Maybe use that as your opening line to him so it's less confrontational too, and explain you're uncomfortable and doubts you have

AssassinatedBeauty · 06/04/2019 20:33

It's wrong to demand kisses and hugs, and to try to cajole or punish if they don't want to. I agree it's about teaching about boundaries and consent.

I think it's fine to draw their attention to their Dad leaving and ask them to say goodbye. If they want to cuddle or kiss that should be up to them.

Amongstthetallgrass · 06/04/2019 20:39

Have you said ‘ stop forcing her to kiss you’?

If he really can’t see why it shouldn’t be forced then that shows you where his true boundaries are.

Dh once tried making dd Kidd his dad on the lips once and she didn’t want too and he kept on pushing. I was agog. When I told him him how fucking out of order he was and why we shouldn’t do that he totally seen the point and it was never repeated.

Ragwort · 06/04/2019 20:47

Like others I think it is 'good manners' to say hello and goodbye to people, including your own family. We would always stop and kiss our DS hello or goodbye - but wouldn't force him to kiss us back.

He still 'greets' us (sounds very formal) when he gets up, when he comes in from school or wherever, and says 'good night' when he goes to bed .... rarely kisses us anymore but he is 18 .

I think it's quite sad for someone to just leave the house without any form of acknowledgement - I don't mean a Downton Abbey type line up of course.

Taswama · 06/04/2019 20:52

I think it’s fine to say ‘Daddy is going to work now, do you want to say goodbye?’ But agree a kiss / hug should not be forced.
My kids are very cuddly and as they have got older (now late primary) I have been teaching them that i don’t always want to give them a hug and they should respect my right to say no / not now.

Original poster

sophied1983 · 06/04/2019 20:53

At the childminder and say "have you got a kiss for mummy today?" and if she says no or doesn't lean in, I leave it there. It's not like he doesn't get any affection from her. It really irritates me and I've tried to bring it up in a light-hearted way, but now think I need to have a stronger conversation.

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 07/04/2019 07:57

Me and DH give DD a kiss goodbye and if she stays still give her a cuddle but I’m not sure she’s entirely interested in the goodbye as she either wants to run off to the toys at childminder or carry on what she’s doing at home.
I think it’s good to be teaching them to say goodbye nicely at this age but it’s a learning process

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