Maintenance question

[Littlerobin32]

My boys are 12 and 8 and me and their dad split 6 years ago. They've been going to his about 2 or 3 nights a week since we split and he pays me my maintenance but deducts money for the nights he has them which apparently the calculator says he can do. He pays for their uniforms clothes and after school clubs and phone bills as well but it's separate.

My eldest has started saying recently he doesn't want to go to his dads because his dad restricts x box time and takes his phone of him at night and tells him what time he has to go to bed. I'm not strict about these things as I think it's up to him what he wants to do and how he chooses to spend his time and the strictness has clearly made my son unhappy because he's saying he won't go there anymore. I won't be forcing him to go because it's up to him. My younger boy is very attached to his brother and copies him a lot and now he's heard him saying it he's saying he isn't going either which is fine by me. My ex doesn't like it but I'm not making them. My question is shouldn't my ex be now paying me more maintenance to cover the extra nights where I'm looking after them as he deducted I before? I haven't asked him yet and I don't think he'll be happy but legally am I right thinking he has to?

He should be, yes.

But honestly... If he takes you to court for access and you tell the court those reasons, he won't be the one looking like the bad parent.

You don't restrict xbox time, you don't remove phones at night and you don't have set bed times. That's 3 parenting fails there and I'm with your husband all the way.

He could also stop paying for the infirm, after school clubs and phone bills and there's nothing you could do about that so if he wants to make his savings he can do it that way.

Really, you should be taking a look at your parenting decisions and then looking at his and finding a way forward. You are co-parents not just exes and you should be parenting together. You also seem like you their like their friend rather than their mum. Screen time should have a limit. Phones shouldn't be in bedrooms at night. You should be barking your co-parent up.

Well yes, but of course he can then stop paying all those extras.

You're not doing your kids any favours, btw. Be a parent. And support their relationship with their dad.

I don't see why he shouldn't have to buy things like uniforms there his kids too I shouldn't have to pay it all. My kids are really well behaved and doing well at school so I'm not worried about my parenting. I don't believe in forcing kids to do something that's going to make them unhappy just because their kids. They are allowed down time just like adults are and all their friends are on the Xbox too I'm not being the parent that says they can't just because my ex does.

It doesn't matter what he should do. You can't make him. He doesn't legally need to pay for those things. All he needs to do is pay the minimum maintenance. That's it.

Your kids are choosing Xbox time over seeing their dad... And you don't see a problem with that? That's not bad behaviour? That's not a bad choice? That's not bad priorities?

Parent your kids.

Hmm. I think a lot of ids would choose the "easy" parent over the stricter one. I think that this is unfair on their father. He sounds like a good parent and is being punished for it.
Of course children are allowed down time, but screen time should be restricted. And a phone in bed at age 12 really isn't helping your kid, you know.

My question was about the maintenance money not my parenting style. They said they don't want to go I can't force them can I.

Yes Op you can't force them but consciously or unconsciously you're massively contributing to the reasons why they don't want to go by not putting age appropriate boundaries in place. The dc May think it's great now but I'm sure they won't in a few years when the relationship with their dad is ruined. Both you and your ex need to co-parent so that the kids are getting clear and consistent messages instead of one being good cop and the other bad.

The extra things your ex is paying for, he doesn't have to do that! The maintenance calculation is all he has to pay.
Your sons will suffer if their relationship with their dad deteriorates and When they're older they might blame you for that. The best thing would be to work with their dad to set up rules that they have at both houses, if those are the only reasons for them not having a relationship with their dad then you, as their mum, need to do things to change that and make sure they do. You can't force them but you should be going out of your way to make sure they go, even if it means changing things your end.

Thanks for the responses my question is just about the money though. I just wanted to know If he has them less nights even though he wants to have them, he still has to pay the extra money?

Sounds like your ex is trying to be a decent parent and you're just a money grabber tbh. Why don't you parent your children by instilling boundaries like your ex has? Also, you should make your children go to their Dad's regardless. It's not your choice to let them stop because he implements realistic rules that you don't. You're loving that you seem to be winning the parent popularity contest at the moment, though IMO your ex is the better parent.

It's totally calculated on the actual days he has them so if he doesn't have them as much he doesn't have to pay so much. Use this
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

It's calculated on overnights. If he doesn't have them overnights then he pays more.

But he just needs to stop paying for he extras and will probably come out on top. And since OP only cares about the money, maybe that will encourage her to parent properly.

Maintenance is calculated based on average number of overnights stops a year, then his yearly wage and any other children in his household. You should use that calculator if you really feel it is an issue. But as pps have said he isn’t obligated to pay for any of these extras so you should feel lucky that your children’s dad wants to do that on top of paying you; there’s loads out there who will just pay the bare minimum.
Our household is one where my OH has a son from an ex, who stops with us 3-4 nights a week. We also have our own two daughters. Him and his ex don’t get on, and all she does is whinge about money and begs for me because she’s spent it all on nails and hair and tans. He actually gives her more than the maintenance calculator states he legally has to, and then he is obviously here too. He is still very much a member of our family and as such, we (yes we) buy him clothes, games, he has his own tv, tablet, Xbox, and food obviously. We don’t get any benefit for him obviously. His clothes to and fro between his homes, because they’re his.
We chip in with his uniform, his trips, his after school activities (I keep saying ‘we’ as our wages are bundled into one and it’s not mine or OHs, it’s ours).
She says she always has to buy him clothes, shoes, food, but my understanding is that is what a parent does. She gets his benefits, and they should be spent on him accordingly, like ours are spent on the girls. Any maintenance should also be spent on things purely for that child.
There has to be a level of parenting. I know you’re asking about the money specifically, but it’s important to actually still be in control. Tablets are off after 7pm here, and out of their rooms until the next day. No Xbox after then either. On weekends they can watch a dvd in bed or Netflix but that’s it.
I don’t think that their dad is being unreasonable in setting that limit either, but they are at the age where of course they’re not going to like it. I think he is doing the right thing as it’s hard to switch off mentally for sleep, and I do think that should be echoed at yours too. I’m all for downtime, and the time between getting home from school and bedtime is their downtime.
I know it seems like a harsh response, but I think you need to concentrate less on the money you feel you’re entitled to (be grateful you receive anything) and concentrate on making sure your children’s relationship doesn’t go astray with their dad. I definitely feel that their ‘downtime’ needs some limitation so that when they visit their dad it won’t be any different.
Of course they’ll moan, but they’ll get used to it.