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Parenting

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Original poster

Smacking - does anyone hate it but do it even so? How to stop??

23 replies

SurferRosa · 12/07/2007 14:03

I totally disagree with smacking but have done it to my older son since he was about 2...not frequently, not very hard usually...but enough to feel that it's bad and there has got to be a better way.

I think it's usually when I feel I'm not in control of him. Obviously not a good thing to do but at the time I've felt desperate...almost as if I'll explode if I don't do something.

I haven't injured him physically but I still hate, hate, hate the fact I've done it. It's much ess frequent now as he will usually respond to reason (he's four) but even so. How do I avoid it with my second child when he reaches an age where he can do dangerous/difficult-to-handle stuff?

Thankyou for any advice

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Original poster

SurferRosa · 12/07/2007 14:04

PS I was never smacked as a child and argued forcefully against it before I had children, so I don't know why I do it/have done it. I think it's totally wrong!

OP posts:

quiveutmabonnebaguette · 12/07/2007 14:08

Hi Surferrosa !

I'm in the same situation..I'm really ashamed of it, I love my dd but sometimes she is just completely out of control and I smack her, not very hard but I do it and I hate myself and I feel like a rubbish mum..I always promise myself that I wont do it again..but it still does happen sometimes...What I try to do when I feel I'm going to lose it...I look at the pictures of her on the wall...she looks so angelic on it...so little..it does usually helps me..

quiveutmabonnebaguette · 12/07/2007 14:10

If someone also could tell me how to stop for good...

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Cortnie91 · 12/07/2007 14:15

a dam good hiding never did me any harm

choosyfloosy · 12/07/2007 14:17

wouldn't normally post on this sort of thread as i feel this is very personal choice. i don't smack as i worry about my own lack of control, so i relate very much to what you are saying.

i've only got one so less stress i guess. but now you have experience and you know what situations push your buttons and are likely to take you over the edge. if you think back, was there a pattern? is it a certain time of day, a certain type of behaviour?

i have come very close a few times, usually at bad bedtimes or when he bites/hits me. all i can say is that i have a barrier in my mind - i am just NOT going to smack him. that helps. if i am getting close, i just walk away. if out and about, i try to find something funny in the situation - look from the outside at myself locked in deathly confrontation with a 2 yr old!

GooseyLoosey · 12/07/2007 14:18

When I'm not feeling in control, I put the dcs in their bedrooms and go to another part of the house and scream as lodly as I can. I find this is great for making me feel better and (hopefully) does no harm to them. You would be amazed how much tension a good scream releases. When I'm feeling calmer I go and get them and deal with whatever the problem was.

Cortnie91 · 12/07/2007 14:18

humans have been smacking since the dorn of time so why shuld it stop now?????? why have fings changed???? i used to get belted and i turned out gr8 !

quiveutmabonnebaguette · 12/07/2007 14:21

In my case, it's when she doesnt do what she's told or put herself in danger (ex : running in the stairs)...and it's true some days I'm really stressed so my patience is really limited...and when I feel like this I should run away so I dont smack her.

quiveutmabonnebaguette · 12/07/2007 14:23

I have been smacked a lot by dad (something normal in France) and I felt awful because of it. The smack my dd get are nothing compared to what I got...this bastard was smacking for really little thing. I grew up to be afraid of him.

Original poster

SurferRosa · 12/07/2007 14:28

Cortnie - obviously did wonders for ur spelling at any rate.

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Original poster

SurferRosa · 12/07/2007 14:31

Thanks all, Goosey I used to find (during the worst phase, about 2.5yo) that if I could get a door between me and DS and hold it shut for half a minute, it would allow me time to calm down.
Quiveut - great name! - I think you have done well to moderate your parenting in respect of how you were punished as a child. You do sound like me despite our different upbringing

OP posts:

quiveutmabonnebaguette · 12/07/2007 14:58

if the weather was not so rubbish, we would be more outdoo...its what makes us feel all tense I think.

Cortnie91 · 12/07/2007 15:28

i just wrote about me dad belting me mum and the post disppeared. where to???

yeah well whatever trevor.

Cortnie91 · 12/07/2007 16:11

By quiveutmabonnebaguette on Thu 12-Jul-07 14:58:28
if the weather was not so rubbish, we would be more outdoo...its what makes us feel all tense I think.

you must have alot of time on your hands to be in soooooo many threads innit

mad4girls · 12/07/2007 16:32

i was smacked as a child and was very scared of my dad as a result, once he left(when parents split up whne i was 10) i think i got a more acurate version of a good clip round the ear from my mum, there fore i do believe that smacking(in the right circumstances) cant be harmful.

but saying that when i was going through very bad depression a couple of yrs ago i seemed to recall smacking my poor dds night and day almost, after a short while i realised what i was doing (thank god) and also relised by this point smacking was becoming pointless ie, my children became immune to it in a way (the same way as they had to my shouting) it had no effect it just went over their head IYSWIM.

thank goodness i got help and changed my behaviour(the childrens behaviour also changed as a result) and hopefully the effects wont be too much as they were quite young at the time 18mths and 4 yrs

im not saying i never smack them now that would be a lie, but they have to have done something truly bad to result in smacking (which means it has an effect of shock now becuse its few and far between) as well as the fact i have found more effective ways of punishment ie no puddings/or no tv

but things have also changed with age they are 7 and almost 5 now and i feel much more in control now dd2 has a rigid routine of school, and find im much better able to cope with her difficult behaviour ,now im not with her 24 hrs a day as well, and i can now talk to dd2 and get her to undrstand such and such is wrong, and theres compromise on both sides where there wasnt before.

i truly believe you get stuck in a vicous circle, which is very hard to get out of im still not sure how i changed my behaviour, other than being around much more positive ppl, and consulting my health visitor who became good friend through, her regular visits helped me to feel empowered and in control enough to feel i could change if iwanted to and that by me changing the children would follow, which they did

i sound a bit richeous and up my own arse now i know but beleive me my house wasnt a nice place to be some time ago and i now beleive my home is an enjoyable place to be, and most of all me and the kids have crossed words like evryone else but we all smile and laugh alot more now

i do really hope this helps and you have some good support you can lean on even if only for a short while

sorry for whitttling on

quiveutmabonnebaguette · 12/07/2007 17:10

mad4girls - thank you for your post, it makes me feel hopeful..as you, my dad was mean but he didnt leave and worst is he denies he was violent towards us...as you I'm going to make some efforts to stop it unless it's justified.

Corntnie - Whatever

Original poster

SurferRosa · 12/07/2007 17:13

I'm really moved by your post, M4G. Thankyou so much. I think I really need to find another way of being, it all comes down to me being quite depressed and unable to cope I think.
I think you were really brave to ask for help, I will maybe talk to my HV too. I'll be ashamed to admit it but it has to be done.
Thankyou

OP posts:

Original poster

SurferRosa · 12/07/2007 17:13

Cortnie is a troll, ignore her

OP posts:

quiveutmabonnebaguette · 12/07/2007 17:15

Yep a nasty troll...I wish you all the best !!!

MrsScavo · 12/07/2007 17:18

I think courtney is at work. I bet her posts stop dead on 5.30.

cortnie91part2 · 12/07/2007 17:27

wrong mister. i got banned by the poshbirds.
that is why my thread got pulled. and no i dont work. but please stop dissing me in here. its disrespectful.

mad4girls · 12/07/2007 17:35

good luck surferosa
i hope you find someone you can confide in, i really hated all my hv before i got this one (that was only coz the other was sick) we bonded and that was a firmfriend

havent seen her fora while now as kids switch over to school nurse when they start school but as im expecting number 3 in dec ( know i must be mad) im sure i willbe seeing her soon i hope so bumped into her doind a development check on nextdoors, new lo so i know she does the area hoorah hoping she will give me lots of support and ideas and tips for my breast feedin, and coping with my other 2 she has dd's about the same age

Tinkjon · 13/07/2007 23:07

What helped me was talking to my DD about it and saying to her that I was going to stop. I explained why I did it, what sort of behaviour made me so cross that I did it etc. and how I promised that I wouldn't do it anymore. I've promised myself loads of times that I would stop, to no avail, but actually promising it out loud to her has really made a difference - it's as if I'd be letting her down if I broke my promise. She still drives me crazy but I'm more able to walk away now until I calm down.

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