Feel so detached from toddler

[Pupster84]

Hi,
First time posting and not really sure what I’m hoping for but I guess just to know if anyone else has had similar feelings and how you overcame them?
This might be a long thread,
DD is 22 months old. She is beautiful, funny, very clever, just adorable in every way, so brilliant in fact I can’t really believe she’s mine. And that’s the thing - I literally find it hard to see her as mine. I am none of those things. I’m very plain, frumpy, not at all academic, ok my friends tell me I’m funny, I am in a seriously miserable relationship with her dad (10year relationship) and to be honest at times I wonder if it’s abusive. He constantly finds fault in everything I do, nothings good enough, never a kind word. When I’ve asked him outright why he’s with me if I’m all the things he says I am, he will if pushed describe me as loyal, trustworthy, “occasionally funny”. That to me says I’m a safe bet who sometimes makes him laugh.
He constantly puts down my parenting.
I should add as well that when I was pregnant, he literally took apart our house and to this day it remains basically derelict and unusable. We have been sleeping in the dining room since I was 6 months pregnant as none of the bedrooms are now fit for use since he ripped all the plaster off the walls etc and never repaired it. We have had no bathroom for 7 months, so have to shower at my parents house or at friends houses. I have to bath DD in a travel bath in the lounge every night. It’s horrendous, and so not the life I thought we would have together.
Back to my relationship with DD, I didn’t return to work after maternity leave due to high childcare costs (OH’s suggestion) and I spend every day taking her to various toddler groups, the park, soft play etc, I still breastfeed her, most nights she’s in our bed at some point, everything on paper that should make you feel a close connection.
I cannot get over this feeling of detachment, I feel like I’m waiting for her to realise I’m rubbish and see me how the rest of the world sees me and treats me. I’m worried she will get older and compare me to others and realise I’m no good. I felt after having her that people were constantly trying to snatch her away and assert themselves as having this starring role in her life, and like I wasn’t treated as her mum, more as a surrogate who was pushed aside. I used to absolutely dread people visiting. I still feel like that often, like I want to scream get away from my baby, even though I do see now that people are generally just playing with her.
I want us to be close so much and have the relationship I don’t have with my own mum, and I’m so scared we won’t as despite all the time we spend together I feel so down and like I’m just going through the motions. Sometimes I even look at her and feel like I barely know her, I barely remember her being a newborn and now it’s like this toddler has suddenly appeared.
I just want to enjoy my precious girl.
If you got to the end of this, thanks!

You sound like a great mum and of course your DD loves you - you are her world! It also sounds like you are depressed. I would see the GP and I would seriously LTB so you can start building your self esteem back up. He sounds horrible!

It does sound like you're depressed. I think discussing this with your GP is the best plan.
What you're feeling isn't normal or letting you experience a good quality of life- so definitely do make an appointment soon.

What do you want to do with your OH? Do you want to leave him?
Why isn't he sorting the house he's destroyed?

I changed my name as I was worried my previous nickname might make me identifiable!
I think people take for granted that their child loves them but what if she doesn’t, what if she gets older and sees me as worthless and not worthy of her time or respect like so many others? I try so hard to make sure she has a lovely life full of activities and cuddles and treats but I still feel like this rubbish mum who isn’t quite up to the job and that’s very much how I feel people see me. I fantasise about a life away from OH but aside from we couldn’t sell our house the state it’s in and I have no money of my own, he would still be in my life because of DD. I can see it now, me having to move in with my parents or some dump being the only thing I can afford, struggling to bring up DD and he swans in when he feels like it, treats her to new toys etc and is thought of as super dad who drips poison into her ear about me.
I also have a fear she could be a mini version of my AWFUL MIL, I sometimes think this stops us being bonded as it really freaks me out if I I see any similarities.

Don't want to read and run. You poor thing. You sound so run down, defeated and horribly hard on yourself. You need some real life support - starting with a trip to your GP. Counselling, perhaps some advice on community groups to link in with. Your partner sounds truly abusive - disparaging, unkind, unsupportive. You need to find a path to happiness that you can bring your daughter on. First steps, make that appointment with your GP. Be brave & be honest. Better days are on the way for you, but you have to take some positive actions. Good luck x

I present quite well, I’m very good at putting a mask on and smiling and being jolly (if you met me in a shop for example you would think I was a smiley happy lady with a lovely baby) so I worry a GP wouldn’t take me seriously. I hate the idea of going on antidepressants and worry they could make me drowsy or act strangely?
I just want to run away with my little girl and never look back and knowing I’m stuck here is killing me.

I'm not sure your relationship with your DD is the problem here. You describe your relationship as borderline abusive and you've been showering at your parents house for 18 months. Its no wonder you aren't happy and when you aren't happy all your work (including domestic work and parenting) does suffer. I appreciate it's difficult but if you make changes in other areas I think your relationship with dd will fall in to place.

You need to get away from this man. Why would he want to live like that he sounds mentally unhinged. I would be depressed living like this. Pack your bags and move in with your mum. Take photos of the state of your house before you leave, you may want the evidence at some stage.

You sound great. Your partner sounds awful. He's destroying you. This isn't your fault, it's his.

I know telling you to leave is too easy, and you might not be ready but just start to see - he's the problem, not you. Leave if you can. You deserve so much better

Thankyou for your replies. I keep hoping maybe it would be better once at least the upstairs of the house is done? I’m so torn between knowing DD will one day be old enough to pick up on the tension (hatred?) between us and thinking it’s better to separate, to worrying she needs both parents together and she would blame me for breaking the unit up.
He’s definitely depressed as well, but to give further backstory (sorry I know drip feeding is frowned upon, didn’t mean to do so!) he has shown depressive tendencies for years. For the best part of 5yrs he has spent every day off from work he’s had lounging around on his iPad or watching TV or sleeping, when I chastise him for not doing anything to sort our house out or even spending time with DD on his days off it turns into him calling me a stupid cunt and that “I’ve done this to him”, his life was so much better before he met me (10yrs ago) etc
For the record when we met he was renting a room at his friends house, had been on 1 holiday in his entire adult life, hadn’t ever had a girlfriend and spent all his free time in the gym, sleeping or getting paralytically drunk. I know you must be wondering what I saw in him, he seemed honest, kind, dependable, attractive, we shared lots of mutual friends. (He doesn’t see any of his friends any more after deciding years ago he didn’t have anything in common with them and didn’t want to hang around with them any more. Whenever I encouraged him to meet up with his friends or come with me to BBQs/parties etc we were both invited to, he would shout at me and refuse to go so I would end up going alone and making an excuse for him)
When we met things were great, for the first few years anyway. I trusted him, which I’d never had in a relationship before (all been cheating bastards!) but once we bought our house (7yrs ago) it all started to change. Nothing I did was enough. He started to make horrible comments about my weight. When we argued he would have these huge sulks and take himself to bed for the entire weekend and only speak to me to tell me how awful I am. Of course there were some good times, but they were few and far between and I realise now I should have left him years ago. Now it’s not that easy with a derelict house to get rid of, no income, my precious DD who for some reason adores her dad if we broke up, he wouldn’t be out of my life anyway, he would still very much be there making things hard.
I realise my general unhappiness is affecting my relationship with DD and how I see myself, I wouldn’t have ever said I had great self esteem but now it’s non existent.
I saw a counsellor last year but aside from it being so expensive I had to stop going, I didn’t find it particularly helpful. He throws that in my face a lot also, that he paid for me to get help, apparently him working is him sacrificing his life so I can be happy in mine (as in staying home with DD) and he regularly makes comments asking what I do all day, it doesn’t matter how many times I explain DD went to a toddler group etc in the morning, nap, lunch, some form of outing like park or feeding the ducks or supermarket etc in the afternoon then back to make dinner and start the bath and bed routine, he describes me as having “every minute of the day to myself”
I worry that hearing how much he puts me down, DD will learn to treat me the same. Although he’s not particularly involved at home, his interactions with her are loving and he will call her his princess, say how clever she is etc, so I worry that he’s going to almost form some sort of alliance against me and I’ll have both of them sniping at me.
Sorry for the long post, just venting.

Anyone man who thinks it’s okay to call you a ‘stupid c’ is absolutely vile and it is 100% the right thing to leave him. Go and live with your parents- your daughter sounds wonderful and does not need to grow up with that behaviour. Sell the house, use the equality and go back to work- even part time you may be able to get some financial help.

Your partner is the problem here. If you are depressed it is going to be circumstantial so you need to LTB. He’s an abuser- can you call women’s aid?? He’s trapped you at home and made you feel so bad about yourself that you can’t leave.

I also think the fact you don’t have a good relationship with your own mother is a problem too. I identify with a lot of what you said- you’re scared your daughter will grow up to have the same relationship with you. But she won’t- you only get one Mum, you are a good Mum (trust me you are). My Mum has basically taught me what not to do as a parent! So it’s kind of a reverse of a good role model but in some ways she’s helped me see the kind of life I want my daughter to have. No one can replace you not her Dad or your MIL (his true colours will show when you split up).

I hope you have some real life support. Have you spoken to any of your friends about this?

You don't have a toddler problem or a house problem. You have a partner problem.

I hope you will see the worth in yourself soon and find another partner who feels the same way about you too.

I had assumed your partner suffered from depression from the way he trashed the house and could not see a way to fix it. BUT!!! that is his problem, he does need help, but ten years of your help/love has not fixed him. Give up love, go home and move on you and your daughter deserve better.

Thanks for your replies,
re the relationship with my mum, she’s never mistreated me in any way, we’re just not close. I never felt growing up like I could confide in her, when I tried to open up to my parents they would put words in my mouth and somehow the conversation would turn into a pat on the back to them for having such a close relationship with me (and would be hugely offended if I disagreed), wasn’t ever very “present”, we haven’t ever hung out much together, I had a miscarriage before DD and OH went to work as normal while I took myself to hospital and after I told my mum what had happened, she never once asked me if I was ok or spoke about it again. Yet acts shocked when I have said I don’t think we have a close relationship?!
Basically I worry that I’m repeating this with DD by not feeling present and connected and one day DD will have similar feelings towards me.

Re OH, I feel very trapped as the house would sell for a huge loss the state it’s in, and I would struggle to rent even a small flat by myself in the ridiculously expensive county we live in. If I moved out of the county, I would be moving away from my friends who are a huge support to me.
I also worry OH would turn DD against me.
Just don’t know what to do!!!!!!!

This is so sad, your partner sounds awful. Do you think maybe the feeling of detachment and worthlessness is because your so traumatized by the way your living, the house, your partners behaviour to you? I mean maybe if you can just get out, literally, not planning any further ahead than just leaving, with your daughter, you will start to feel more together and be able to make further plans? It sounds like if you try to picture a life without him, it’s like climbing a mountain, so may complications, and you are feeling very powerless and helpless and stuck. Perhaps if you just concentrate on taking the first step of getting away from him, and the house too, you will start to feel better. Can you and your daughter stay at your mums, is that an option?