Can dads get postpartum depression?

[Pantana90]

Hey all, I'm a first-time dad and my son is now four months.

A little background: I do have a rather long history of anxiety and intrusive thoughts. My partner (son's mother) - we've been together 4 years and for the first year or so I always questioned my love for her, basically because I question everything in my life. Do I love enough? What if I don't? A million thoughts. That certainly settled and she is the most fantastic person who I love and adore.

I'll admit, I was never sure I wanted a baby. Even throughout the pregnancy I questioned "what if I don't love my baby? How unfair is it bringing a baby into the world if I think like this?" etc etc.
When my partner was in labour, there were quite a few complications during and after. More so with my partner than our son, which made me sick with worry but all is good now and she's fine.

And for these first few months I've been doing fantastic, very little anxiety and I have loved being with my son and many times felt that real feeling of love (that fuzzy one lol). He makes me smile when he smiles, I love his funny noises and yells, his dopey little face and how much he clings to his mama!

Don't get me wrong he cries a lot and is hungry 80% of the day, so it has been challenging. But I can honestly say I have been working hard to be a good dad and always will be there for him. Then all of a sudden, two days ago BAM. Anxiety. Bad thoughts such as "when I look at him, why aren't I getting that fuzzy feeling?" "Do I really love him?" "Where's that spark?" "Shouldn't I miss him more when he's out with his mum?" I beat myself up over thoughts like this.

I want nothing more than to feel good about him all the time. These thoughts really stress me out, I struggle to relax, sleep, eat, get stomach pains etc. All stressful events manifest in me struggling to sleep and it's a big fear of mine.
I have told my partner about all of this and she's very understanding, I am 100% honest with her at all times. She believes I am just feeding the anxiety doing this and said because they bother me so much, it proves I really do love and care. That I am just putting too much pressure on myself and that any parent, whether they admit it or not, has bad thoughts.

I would do anything for my son, if I was told I had to die today to allow him to live a life of happiness, then I would do it in a second. (Naturally I want to be there for him, but you get the point haha). Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Any advice? The frustrating part is because I was doing so well!!

I want nothing more than to feel good about him all the time.

No one feels good about their small babies all the time. At that stage I was googling fostering services, and thinking I'd made the most appalling error in having a child. I am now the besotted parent of a delightful seven year old. In parenting, you need to take the long view, and stop picking at individual moments to see if you feel what you believe you are supposed to be feeling.

Your anxiety pre-exists your child, and in any case, I don't think there's the slightest point in labelling yours. I agree with your partner that you are feeding your anxieties. In the nicest possible way, it isn't about you, and I think you should seek help for your overthinking and somatisation of your anxieties, and stop burdening your partner with your '100% honesty'. See a counsellor, and try to get to the bottom of why you continue in relationships you are not sure about, and agreed to a child you were not sure you wanted.

Thanks for the reply. I continued because I saw potential and I was right because it has been the best relationship I have ever had. And I didn't 'agree', it did kind of just happen. But unlike yourself, I never contemplated foster services, or anything like that. I just want to know why it's hit me so suddenly.

And it's not "burdening" her, she'd rather I be open than keep things concealed. I dare say it's one of the things she likes most about me.

Yes, PPD affects men too. And I doubt very much that Piano would be so dismissive if a woman was asking for help.

More information on the link below. Don't be afraid to see your GP for support.

www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/dads-and-partners/postnatal-depression-dads-10-things-you-should-know

Technically speaking, no
Because post-partum means post-giving birth, and men don’t give birth

Can a life-changing event like a new baby give rise to anxiety, depression, and mental health wobbles? Absolutely

But as piano said, there isn’t much point labelling it, especially when you have overcome issues in the past and can therefore do it again

Because post-partum means post-giving birth, and men don’t give birth

This. Of course you can be depressed because of major life changes, and having a baby is this -- and for both parents. And as women, unlike men, can have post-partum depression, Tom, I would not be being dismissive, no. The OP has a history of anxiety and appearing to engage in endless analysis of his relationships and decisions, which considerably predates this baby, and there is very little point in picking over labels for his mental state. If you read my original post, I suggested he get help.

You sound like an amazing Dad!