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Parenting

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Original poster

how to not make my adopted child feel left out

25 replies

DarlingLittleBabyName · 31/03/2019 11:34

So I have three children, 13, 4, and a few days old.
My eldest who is 13 is actually my goddaughter. Her mother, who was a single mother, was my best friend and she died when my goddaughter (let's call her DD1) was 4, as her mother's wishes I've adopted DD1. I love her just as much as my own children, and she calls me 'Mum' but I know a lot of girls tell her "she's not really your mum, she's your godmum" and stuff like that that make her feel left out.
I have two young daughters now, and I don't want to make her feel left out. Me and DH try to do everything for her because she is truly our daughter so that she doesn't feel any less our daughter, but she's 13 now and I know she wishes she had her actual mum and dad.
I just miss her mum so much, I wish she was here to tell me what to do! She tells me "love you Mum" every night but I can tell she's always thinking about her real mum and what horrible girls tell her at school all the time.
I just don't know what to do? xx

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Wallywobbles · 31/03/2019 11:37

Be honest. Say what you've said here. That's literally all you can do. It'll be ok. Really it will.

Pandasarecute · 31/03/2019 11:39

you sound so lovely and caring. I’m sure she knows how you feel about her

Wallywobbles · 31/03/2019 11:39

My mum died when I was 7. My dad married my step mum 4 years later and she was/is brilliant. I don't remember my mum really. No one talked about her because it was so painful. That's a shame. Talk about her mum if you can.

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MigGril · 31/03/2019 11:40

To be honest it sounds like you and your DH are doing everything you can to make her feel part of your family well done.

Unfortunately you can't control others, make sure you talk to her lots though. Espicaly about her mum, even though it maybe hard for you. It's a hard age for her and no matter what kids tend to find something to pick on each other about.

HarrietM87 · 31/03/2019 11:41

So you’ve raised her for 9 years? It’s obviously so tough for all of you but she’s luckier than many adopted children because you can tell her all about her birth mother who you knew well and loved, and she can know that her birth mother loved you and chose you to bring her up. Where is her biological father? Does she have any contact with him?

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 31/03/2019 11:51

Could you write her a letter, today? Remembering and missing her mother but also saying how you consider her your daughter and all the wonderful things you love about her and all the memories you have shared? It will be something she can return to often for security, if she needs it. Whilst not forgetting her other mum.

Original poster

DarlingLittleBabyName · 31/03/2019 11:51

thank you for the replies everyone.
The topic on her mother is difficult of course, but I think I've realised I've got to sit down with her just us two with a picture book and tell her all I know.
About her biological father, even her mother didn't know who he was. I can remember asking her once and she said she tried looking for him but to no avail. I think trying to look for him would just complicate things, especially as the way my friend talked about him he didn't sound very nice. but then again she might hate me for it when she's older?

OP posts:

AwdBovril · 31/03/2019 12:02

Tell her how you feel. That you miss her birth mum very much. That you love your DD13 very much, that it's ok if she has questions or feels sad sometimes, that the girls at school know nothing about it & that you love her just as much as your birth children.

How would she feel about speaking with someone at school about the behaviour of the other children? They are obviously not well-meaning comments, they are basically bullying her because her birth mother died.

Drum2018 · 31/03/2019 12:05

Make sure she knows she she can talk about her mum when she wants. Show her photos, tell her all about her mum, make a memory book with her. If she has any memories at all of her mum then she can write them into the book. Did her mum have siblings, are dd's grandparents still alive? If so can you connect with them?

As regards her biological dad she could do a DNA test (ancestry or similar) when she's older and may be linked to relatives on his side which could help track him down - if she wants. But tell her that would be for when she's older. If she knows the possibility of finding him in the future is there, it might be enough to content her.

Perhaps you could do up a photo collage of her mum for her bedroom. It's tough. While you and Dh are always going to be her wonderful parents, it's understandable she will have a longing to know more about her biological parents too.

flitwit99 · 31/03/2019 12:16

You need to talk to the school. It's not ok for other kids to be making fun of her in school.

How you choose to remember her mum in your family is a separate thing. Be open, be honest, be honest with your younger dds too so that it is never big news to them. You can't do any more.

Ted27 · 31/03/2019 12:37

Hi, I'm an adoptive mum, my son is 14.

The most important thing you can do is validate her feelings. Sit down with her, show her the photos, tell her about her mum, share your memories, tell her you miss her too. Make a special album with her with photos of her and her mum. Let her know its OK to grieve.
Many adopted children have life story work. My son did, it was a very difficult process, but it was worth it. She is old enough now for you to say, yes sometimes life is just unfair, its not fair that your mum died, its not fair that you have to grow up without her but this is the hand you have been dealt and the best thing she can do to honour her mum's memory is to have a happy life. You could also say how honoured you are that her mum trusted you with her with her precious daughter.
Its probably too late today but can you visit her grave or do something like plant a tree in your garden, maybe think about marking her birthday?
Let her know that she can have these feelings about her mum and that you understand it doesnt mean she doesn't love you. Its ok to love you both.
As to the girls in school, that's bullying and you should report it to school. My son has experienced bullying in school about being adopted and to be honest I will not accept it.
Be honest with her about what you know about her birth dad. I'd consider telling her that you will help try and find him when she is18 if thats what she wants.
Being an adoptive parent is very hard sometimes, it sounds like you are doing an amazing job.
Many adopted children have therapy or counselling of some sort, its worth considering, are you in touch with adoption services?

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 31/03/2019 12:42

Who are all these girls who keep pointing out that you’re not her birth mother? She’s lived in your family for 9 years, it can’t possibly still be raised on a regular basis by her peers?

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 31/03/2019 12:48

I'm surprised a child is being bullied regularly because she was adopted 9 years ago.

Ted27 · 31/03/2019 13:11

my child was adopted 8 years ago. He is bullied. Children pick on what they perceive to be vulnerabilites or differences. That is the basis of all bullying - why is that so hard to believe.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 31/03/2019 13:20

I'm surprised that other children would even be aware of it.

justilou1 · 31/03/2019 13:32

The bullying is unacceptable. The school need to know and you need to ensure that they are being proactive about it. Poor girl! Meanwhile, 13 is old enough to gently introduce the topic of her father not being someone well-known to her mother. (And even that he wasn’t very nice, which might be why things didn’t proceed into a relationship, etc...) She’s a child, but she’s not a little girl. Definitely go through the albums and definitely speak openly to her about your own feelings. I can say though, I feel exactly like this with my own kids - especially my first. They don’t come with guide books. I have often told my kids that adults don’t really always know what’s going on or have a clue what to do, we just have to pretend so kids feel confident with our advice when we do actually know what we’re talking about.

Ted27 · 31/03/2019 13:37

There are many reasons why other people msy be aware of a child's adoption. My son chose to tell a few close friends at secondary school to explain something quite glaring. I've taught my son not to be ashamed of being adopted. And if you took the trouble to think about it, its surprising how often the subject comes up.

How many Pixar and Disney films can you think of that have adoption or loss of a birth parent as a theme ? Adopted children can find these films very difficult and may not want to see them
How many times in the school curriculum does loss of family come up ? I was horrified when at the age of 8 my son was asked to write a goodbye letter to his family and had a label stuck hung round his neck when they were doing WW2 and evacuation. What about those lessons when you are asked to send in baby photos.
And apart from anything else, school mums gossip and their children hear it.

Original poster

DarlingLittleBabyName · 31/03/2019 15:12

thank you for the replies everyone, they are all so helpful.
About the bullying- she says it is just a group of girls that for some reason hold it against her. i am glad to say DD has a lovely group of friends and they are very supportful and all lovely. I have talked to the school about it (as much as my DD found it 'embarassing') and they have tried their best but i'm not really buying it tbh.
all the suggestions here are lovely, we do go and visit her mother's grave often but I'll try and do that more! And for the suggestion of making a card and a book, DH and I are starting on that tomorrow when she goes to school! this thread has been so helpful, it is useful to get opinions from people who can't judge you! Thank you again! x

OP posts:

TwllBach · 31/03/2019 15:18

Darling you sound so lovely. This is a bit left of field and not really what you asked, but I have a suggestion... You say her mum was your best friend, so did you have lots of mutual friends? What about her biological GPs?

I grew up with my dad but left home at 18 and we have been no contact essentially for the last 12 years. He died on 28th Feb this year and I got to his room half an hour too late. What has really helped me is hearing other peoples' memories of him so I can get a better, all round picture of him to hold with me. Could you do that for your DD?

Alongside the photo book, could you contact everyone that knew her mum and ask them to contribute memories of her, then write them in? Like 'I remember when X and I danced all night to Busted' or something. Then your DD can see how much people loved her mum and that people remember her and it's ok to remember her too.

I hope that's not too clumsily worded, but I think you sound like a lovely mum to your DD.

Original poster

DarlingLittleBabyName · 31/03/2019 17:52

@TwllBach I knew her mother from junior school so I knew her all her life, she was basically my sister. all my other friends i met in uni or from work so we don't have any mutual friends.
thank you so much for your suggestions, they are so beautiful and you sound lovely too! sorry to hear about your father, condolences.

OP posts:

MariaNovella · 31/03/2019 17:54

Does your DD1 have maternal grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins?

Flicketyflack · 31/03/2019 18:10

Show her by treating her in the same way you treat your biological children.

As she is older be led by her when she tells you what others say ' how does that make you feel?' 'Why do you think others may say that?'

There is no easy answers to this but I would suggest you are doing a fantastic job & your insight is going to help you as she grows in to an adult

Daphnesmate · 01/04/2019 18:28

Wally and Awd, amongst others have given good advice I think x

mumwon · 01/04/2019 18:40

child born in my heart not under it - tell her to ignore those girls - maybe their families aren't as happy as yours - I would seriously talk to the teacher because this is bullying & its about equality - they need to approach the subject in class discussing in general about the different way families are made up - from step families, adoption, dc living with foster carers or aunties or grandparents & how these can be different within this country & across the world etc - your daughter loves you don't let it break your heart op - its horrible but she loves you & you love her & you can bring her birth mum lovingly alive to her & your friend would have loved you for that :)

TeenTimesTwo · 01/04/2019 20:39

Another adoptive mum here. I agree with Ted27 re life story work etc.

As far as I am aware, neither of my DDs have been bullied for being adopted. One lad did say something negative in class in y7 and was firmly spoken to by the teacher.

If your DD hasn't got a good answer, she needs help with one. e.g. 'Well actually I have 2 Mums. My mum who died and my mum now. She really does exist, its not as if I get collected by a fairy every afternoon.' Or 'Of course she's real. Can't you change the record'. or 'At least she chose to have me live with her. Your mum is just stuck with you'.

She's probably not 'always thinking' about her birth mum, but yes, she will do. Do you give her opportunity to talk about her, or drop into conversation 'Oh Susie used to love xyz'.

Don't go looking for trouble (eg bio father). Tell her you'll support her when she's an adult if she wants to try to find out more, but its not a thing to do at her age.

She will feel different. You can't really help that. But you can help her be OK with it, and to understand how much she means to you.

Sounds like you are doing great.

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