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Original poster

Playdate fiasco!

24 replies

Janet2014 · 29/03/2019 08:31

Hi, advice gratefully received regarding playdate etiquette..my daughter's friend in reception has asked for a playdate with her a few times, so pick up from school and parent comes to collect around 5ish. The friend has been picked up for playdates by a couple of other parents in the class. When I texted her mum to suggest that I pick her up after school one day she texted back saying her daughter gets nervous if they don't collect her every day and suggested a weekend playdate (which doesn't suit me and would require some shifting things around). I do feel that maybe she doesn't trust me and I certainly won't be asking again. I need to decide how best to respond to this current situation (haven't done so yet), I'd much rather she came clean and said the issue was with her and not her child, she hasn't been to my house before so I'd understand, we are quite friendly otherwise. Her daughter mostly goes to after school club during the week. Thoughts welcome.

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MummySharkBabyShark · 29/03/2019 08:35

I would just respond- ‘OK, we are really busy at the weekends at the moment but lets plan a play date in a few weeks’ and not plan one.

Are you sure the other child’s mother isn’t wanting a weekend play date to have child free time?

MyKingdomForBrie · 29/03/2019 08:35

Weird. I guess you just have to tell dd that her mum said no and leave it there. You can't do weekends so that doesn't work. Your dd will probably find someone else to invite.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/03/2019 08:36

She obviously doesn't like her dc going to the houses of people she doesn't know well/hasn't scoped out. She wants to do the first visit with her dd to check you out and to check out your house - I honestly couldn't get worked up about that, the DD is still very young. I wouldn't have sent my 5 yo to houses I didn't know.

I think if you do the weekend date then the problem will go away but of course you don't have to do that if it's a hassle for you.

And you don't have to 'handle' the situation. Agree to the weekend date if it suits you, if it doesn't just say 'oh we can't make that, never mind, another time.'

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Kungfupanda67 · 29/03/2019 08:37

How about suggesting doing something together, soft play and dinner or something after school? Then you both collect, they get their play date, you get your weekend free from play dates

Disfordarkchocolate · 29/03/2019 08:40

I'd suggest meeting up together, you never know what people are dealing with and this gives a low-stress and supportive option. Park and cafe for tea perhaps and she might be happy to go to yours next time.

Allyg1185 · 29/03/2019 08:41

To be honest if my child hadn't been to a friends house before I wouldn't be keen on him going straight there from school.

Just for context my ds 7 is in primary 3 and he came out of school a few months ago saying he wanted to play with a new boy after school at his house. I had seen his mum in the playground but had no idea where she lived etc. I explained to ds I would like to get to know her first. So I approached her in the playground, had a chat exchanged numbers and have now been to softplay twice and we speak in the playground everyday/send a few txts etc.

Now he can go to the boys house or he can come here because I feel I know the parent better.

pastaparadise · 29/03/2019 08:43

at 5 she could be telling the truth about her daughter - i dont see any reason to disbelieve her. my ds wouldnt want to be picked up by someone else

pastaparadise · 29/03/2019 08:45

ok sorry just seen other parents have collected. Maybe she knows them better?

Sauvignonblanket · 29/03/2019 08:52

I would give the other mum the benefit of the doubt - things might have changed or there may be something else going on that isn't any judgement on you but she doesn't feel happy sharing. My 5yo doesn't treat all playdates the same - she is much more comfortable when she knows the parents already and she's been at their houses to visit when I've been there too. This child might be the same.

If what she's suggesting doesn't work for you just say you're struggling to find time at the weekend right now to catch up again after Easter if you want to do something then, but it seems a shame to rule out future playdates altogether if the children are keen.

Hollowvictory · 29/03/2019 08:58

Not really a fiasco that someone declined a play date in the week and suggested a weekend instead. I'd say yes to the weekend play date even if I had to shuffle a few things

donquixotedelamancha · 29/03/2019 08:59

The friend has been picked up for playdates by a couple of other parents in the class.

Perhaps these did not go that well. Perhaps the child was anxious at home afterwards. My 5 YO comes of as gregarious but is very anxious and will manage at the time with other people then be a PITA afterwards once she's comfortable again.

You are reading too much into it. Just say OK and arrange something when convenient.

Seeline · 29/03/2019 09:00

Just tell her you can't do weekends, but she and her DD would be welcome to come home with you after school one evening. Or as others have suggested, go to the park/café/soft play etc together.
At 5 kids often feel unsure with people they don't know well, and many parents feel uncomfortable letting their DC s go off with others they don't know well. Don't take it personally.

QueenEhlana · 29/03/2019 09:02

Tell her you can't do weekends, but invite both the friend and mum over for a short play date - DC can play and you two can have a cuppa and a natter.

Chocolateisfab · 29/03/2019 09:03

Imo play dates are for over 10's who need minimum fussing over!!

m0therofdragons · 29/03/2019 09:08

Play dates for over 10s!? What?! Bonkers. My 7 yos need very little but at 5 I always invited dc and parent after school. Few parents would be happy with a 5 year old going to an unknown house.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 29/03/2019 09:10

My immediate thought was that she knows the parents that picked her child up already.

NWQM · 29/03/2019 09:18

My first thought was that they have had some sort of bad experience of play dates. Perhaps her daughter got very upset.

Yabbers · 29/03/2019 09:24

DD wouldn’t have liked being picked up by someone she didn’t know. There were a couple of parents she did know who she could go with. We struggled to drop her off at the holiday club, even with staff who were the same company who did her after school club.

Don’t make your own insecurities her problem. Explains that a weekend play date won’t work for you and leave it at that.

WeeDangerousSpike · 29/03/2019 09:26

Would you be taking the kids in a car and the other parents were walking? Maybe she's concerned about car seats or something?

Mine aren't old enough for playdates yet but I think the soft play idea is good. If they work too late to do that after school is there a weekend activity you do that they could come to as well? Soft play / visitor attraction / Park / similar?

Chocolateisfab · 29/03/2019 09:30

Under 10 = free childcare though!! Ime dc who can manage their own visiting =less stress for all involved.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 29/03/2019 09:35

They are in reception so there'll be plenty of irrational worries. One of my DC was a social butterfly but wouldn't let me leave them at parties. My friend's little boy, another very sociable little boy, hated it when he didn't see is mum right after school.

Where we are its totally normal for reception playdates to include the parent first time.

I'd hardly call it a fiasco, just say, weekends are not so good for you so lets postpone for a little while and not worry about it.

Original poster

Janet2014 · 29/03/2019 09:40

Thanks everyone for your comments, it helps put it all in perspective. I'm not a fan of playdates myself but my daughter loves having her friends over to play, and they mostly go really well. I normally invite a parent to come along on the first visit (they mostly decline and come to collect) but because this friend is otherwise in after school club and was confident enough to ask me personally I just assumed it would be ok. I'll arrange for them to come round sometime over Easter instead, or find a Saturday morning when things are less busy.

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Original poster

Janet2014 · 29/03/2019 09:46

Yabbers - she knows me quite well, hence her asking me to come to our house. My daughter and her are at breakfast and after school club together sometimes, went to her birthday party and she never neglects to say hello to me when she sees me.

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Di11y · 30/03/2019 09:33

I suggest arranging an Easter date and hopefully after that they'll be happy for her to be picked up by you after school.

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