Hello all, I’m really looking for other mother’s experiences with severe anxiety/perinatal anxiety in the early stages of motherhood.
I gave birth a week ago today (21st) to a healthy beautiful baby boy. He was planned and I enjoyed my pregnancy. I had a wonderful labour, was fully dilated on arrival to the hospital and gave birth an hour and forty five minutes after arrival so I couldn’t have been happier. I stayed in hospital overnight due to high blood pressure when I arrived at hospital and the little one having a poo before birth, but had a wonderful first night in hospital. I was besotted, lovely feelings running through my body and enjoying every second. This is how I imagined it would be.
We were discharged Friday afternoon and my husbands parents visited that evening, and on signs of their departure I completely broke down, I started crying and having feelings of not wanting them to leave. At this point I was just upset and emotional. I had no anxiety. The following day we had my family visit and my husbands parents once again which pleased me after feeling like that the night before and that is when the anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been wriddled with it ever since, hot flushes, knotted stomach, shaking, on edge, jumping when the baby stirs or cries and just overwhelming sadness as I can’t cope with how I’m feeling. I feel overwhelmingly lonely, even though I have my husband who has been my rock through this period. I don’t have a large social circle, mainly my sister who im completely close to and friends who live away from where I am. My sister works unsociable hours and full time so can’t visit as often as I could when she her baby to support her. I lost my mother 10 years ago and it’s made me miss her tenfold, I’m craving parental love and support like most new mothers get after having their first baby. The ability to go and stay with my parents or have them on hand to help. My father is 70 and he is supportive in his own way, but it’s not the same. I compare myself to those I know with their parents alive and on hand.
My issue is, I can’t put my finger on what’s causing the anxiety, some days I want to change my babies nappy, feed him etc (even though I do), and others I do, but it’s making me resent the rooms that I’m spending time in and I’m constantly on edge when he stirs. My husband has been covering the night feeds downstairs to let me recover, but when I get up to relieve him, I’m scared to go down as I’m alone and do not feel as confident when he’s not around. Although he’s upstairs, I miss him. I managed to get some fresh air by going out alone to the local supermarket and I had it swarm over me then too, so I don’t understand what’s causing this.
Ive sought support after breaking down with the midwives and I’m now receiving daily visits, they assure me I will get over this, but I honestly cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, it feels like I will always feel this, and it’s ruined my first week of motherhood. I’m constantly wrattled with it causing me not to sleep at times, I have no appetite whatsoever, causing me to force food down myself and I’m just wriddled with anxiety symptoms day and night.
I’ve been put onto an antidepressant and diazepam for a week to take the edge off, but I find they may work for a hour or two and then it comes back. I’ve been referred to Perinatal Asmity support as this is what they’ve diagnosed me with, but have to wait until next week for further action.
I’m looking for advice and experiences if possible as I am spiralling out of control and do not feel worthy of being a mother because I’m not enjoying my son. I sometimes regret planning a baby because I can’t give him the happiness he deserves and im struggling to cope with parenting duties when the anxiety washes over me. I’m crying all of the time, completely on edge and cannot cope with how severe the anxiety takes over my body. I have nobody to relate to and feel like I’m the the only person feeling like this at a time where I should be happy and embracing motherhood.
Thank you all in advance and I’m so sorry for the lengthy post x