I don't like my children

[Harryy]

I know this is going to sound terrible and I hate myself for saying it but I really don’t like my children. I dread the school pick up, waking up in the morning. I feel like I’m failing as a parent

I’ve been a full time single dad for just over 2 years my wife past away and since then life with trying to raise the children just isn’t as enjoyable as it used to be and my children aren’t well behaved each day there is always a problem, them fighting the tears the tantrums and the non stop shouting.

My 12 year old daughter was a lovely child to raise I think we was very lucky! She slept through from a early age met all her milestones and was a proper daddies girl. She would hate it when I left her.

I used to be a boxer and from the age off 3 she was always by my side as she got older she would support me in each fight, we would go on a run together she would motivate me in training. (For personal reason I stopped this 3 years ago).

Now all we do is argue, she doesn’t listen to anything I ask her to do. She throw things, she hits me and is always shouting at me. Punishment don’t work I’ve tried many! It just makes her worse.

My 8 year old daughter I don’t have to much trouble with she has her moments but nothing compared to her sister and bother.

My 5 year old son we didn’t plan to have another baby we was happy with our 2 girls but things happen and my wife didn’t have a great pregnancy with him. He was born at home unexpectedly. Unlike the girls he didn’t sleep, he cried all the time he wasn’t a great eater and as he got into the toddler year he became a challenge his tantrums was wild! He refused foods (only drank milk)

A long battle with the nursery and school we have just recently got a diagnosed off ASD, ODD and Anxiety. Like my eldest he doesn’t listen, he doesn’t do as he’s told. If you tell him off he just laughs in your face. Bath times are a battle you’d think I’m murdering him! His tantrums are getting harder to deal with.

Sorry that this had turned out long! I didn’t expected it to.

That sounds really hard, do you have any help from family or friends? Is your mood low? I wondered if it would be worth talking to your GP if you feel like this

Oh my goodness. Cut yourself some slack. You’ve lost your wife, your children are grieving and you have a child with SN. That’s a tough gig. You don’t hate your children although you probably hate your days (been there)

I’ll let others give advice but that’s my take on this situation. I’m a single parent too (not through bereavement) and it’s very hard at times.

8 years ago I hated my children. I couldn't wait to get them to school and dreading picking them up. When I did I got them home, fed them then sat in another room until it was their bedtime. This went on for months. Until I was diagnosed with depression. I'd go talk to your doctor if I was you.

You sound like you need a break. I can't imagine trying to raise 3 alone, we have one and together it's hard.
Of course you don't like them all the time, I bet you don't like your own parents all the time, we're not supposed to like everyone all the time, whether they're our children or not. Don't be so hard on yourself, parenting is thankless and difficult. Try and focus on the good as much as you can and let the shitty bits go. Before long they'll all be grown up and see how much you have done for them.

I have been to the GP about low moods and all I was given was a booklet to read

Harryy you should really be able to access more support. Have you tried www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/
www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Apologies if you want a place to vent more than someone sending you hither and thither when you’ve got enough to do. I would totally get that.

Also go back to your GP and tell them you need help.

Wow you’ve got a lot on your plate! Don’t be too hard on your self, life drags us all down at one point.

My dd was a little arse at that age.

I highly recommend reading two books - ‘raising daughters’ and ‘raising sons’ both by Steve Biddulph. They really help give you a perspective and guidance. They totally changed the way I dealt with my three and they were a eye opener! Totally worth the money and an easy read. They walk you through each mile stone and what they need mentally and physically to help the develop healthy.

Your doing amazing because you care about the situation.

Tomorow is a new day.

Sorry about your wife

@rightreckoner thank you

It doesn't sound terrible at all, you just sound like you have had enough and I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. My friend passed away 18 months ago and left behind her husband and 4 children, 2 of them are VERY hard work and I know that her husband feels just as you do some if not most days. He now goes to a bereaved parents group once a fortnight and although he hated it at first it has been really good for him and they also arrange day trips for the children so that he gets a day off now and again. His wife was in a hospice and they have arranged counselling for all of them, do you think that may be of some benefit to you all? I appreciate you may have already tried all of this stuff and that I'm probably not being very helpful! I would definitely go back to your GP again and tell them that the leaflet hasn't helped and that he/she needs to do something more.

Talk to us here if you just need to vent. x

My 5 year old son has ASD too and it is very hard work. I'm sometimes fighting tears when I approach school to pick him up because I just don't want to.
Limiting time on devices helps a bit as they are in better moods then. Also making sure I spend a bit of one to one time with each child each day, even 15 mins...even if I don't want to.
Does your son prefer a shower? Or might special bath toys help?
It sounds like you are doing a great job, keep going.

Ah Harry I'm sorry to hear that. I would try to access your local IAPT. you can google it and your local one should come up.

Thank you the children have had having counselling and my oldest is getting support in school still.

I tried to spend some time with each child my oldest we get a hour together before bed but she would rather sit on their iPad across the room from me! I do try to talk to her but she gets moody!

I have tried showers with my son but that's even worse I'm struggling with his needs and it's hit me hard now he's actually got a diagnosed. I just don't know how to deal with him

For your oldest, I would just focus on connecting with her. The worse they feel, the worse they behave. Let her know you love her always. It will probably get worse with the teenage years, mind you. Hope you can get some time to yourself for your own well being

Op always remember that 3 kids isn't easy so if you aren't finding it easy, you are perfectly normal. Older girls will have hormones flying about. I was a good kid at school etc but absolutely awful to my parents at that age. Bear with her and make sure she knows you are there for her.

Do you have any opportunity to have 121 time with any of them?

See if there are any local courses on parenting for your smallest to help with the challenges that brings. Work with the school as well, tell them you are on board but that you also need their advice and can they signpost you anywhere?

Best wishes to you, you are in a tough situation. They take it out no doubt on you as you are the centre of their world now! It's always those closest.

Being a single parent is hard full stop let alone without losing your wife and the children losing their mum - be kind to yourself.
Go back to your gp - maybe try to see a different one - and be firm, ask for help. You need putting in touch with specialist support for yourself and the children then try getting to some groups to try and socialise a bit.
You're doing a great job, and you've been through a huge amount, don't be too hard on yourself.

OP, Lord above it’s a long road back to stability. You’re all in this lonely place together and you have each other, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

12 is 12! I’ve found this age to be so, so tough, for obvious hormonal reasons.

OP, I work in a school for autistic children and my own DS (who will be 5 in May) is on the spectrum. Ask any questions! All autistic kids are quite individual in their idiosyncrasies however what they all have in common is difficulty coping with stress- and they get stressed more easily than the average person. What are your biggest challenges with him?

I’m terribly sorry you’ve all been through such a tragedy. You will pull together. You need some tools!

Hugs.

@TheVanguardSix it's the tantrums one second he can be loving the next your being hit, kicked, spat at. It can take him a good few hours to fully calm down

Maybe have a family meeting with the girls one evening, let the 8 year old stay up late for it. Tell them you would like to spend some special ipad/ phone-free time with each one every week and ask for ideas of things to do.
With the 12 year old you could have a movie night once a week, so your phone's and ipads go in a cupboard, she chooses the movie, you watch it with her, even if it's crap and you eat sweets.
She may not seem excited but I think she will like it.
At the Family meeting, ask the girls if they have anything they need to talk about too.
With your 5 year old you will be entitled to DLA, have you claimed it? You could use that money to pay for him to go to a child minder with special needs experience one or two afternoons a week. It sounds like you need a break, and the girls may feel the same.

Thank you I will give at ago! Last week me and my older daughter did go out together for the day which she said she loved but the evening she was back to her horrible self

Well that sounds great. That kind of day will give her happy memories with you that she needs. Keep up the good work.

Harryy hats off to you. You are doing an amazing job and are being far too hard on yourself. You are raising bereaved DC while grieving yourself. That's seriously hard. So give yourself a pat on the back every night that you have survived the day and your DC are safe and fed!

Get yourself as much support as you can - you will need it for the difficult teenage years ahead as well as now - don't be shy about asking for help.

For your dd: I can recommend the book "Untangled" by Lisa Damour about raising teen girls. It's very sensible and enlightening.

Good luck to you. Parenting is hard. Try and ask for support so you can get some respite for yourself.

Winston's Wish can help with supporting bereaved DC.

Winston's Wish

Thank you for the help.

As the weather is lovely took them over the park after school today with some off the family. It was one off the best few hours for a while! They children all behaved.

Really glad to hear you had a good time after school. Hopefully now the weather will only get better it will help being able to get out of the house.

That's good to hear op! It's good to share the load a bit. Maybe you could arrange for that to happen on a more regular basis, either with family or more formally within a single parents group?