Friendship triangle

[Inmyvestandpants]

I'm sure this is a common problem but I really don't know what to do for the best. My DD (school year 4) is in a friendship triangle. The "main friend" (A) and DD have been friends for a couple of years, and are on a very similar wavelength. The third friend (B) has been friends with A for a little longer. She is also quite similar to DD in her sense of humour and personality, so they have tended to get along well.

DD has always tried to be friends with both A and B. She has had playdates with B and with A and with A and B together. She invited both of them to her birthday outing. On this outing, which was just the 3 girls, I noticed a certain amount of A and B wanting to sit together, and I deliberately engineered things so that DD was in the middle of them - it was her birthday after all, and I felt that she should not feel left out on that occasion.

Recently, B has started to be mean to DD and to encourage A to be mean. This is low-level but persistent meanness: deliberately saying things that she knows upset DD, pushing her into a bush, mocking her appearance, choosing a lunch table with no room for DD. DD says that A tends to stand silent rather than join in, but obviously it is hurtful to DD.

I have suggested DD should simply ask B, "why are you being mean to me? I am your friend". Also, perhaps she could ask A "Please will you stand up for me, B is upsetting me". I've also suggested DD looks to expand her friendship group. There is a number of girls she likes, and sometimes chats to, but she does seem to have rather latched onto A as a "BFF" and is reluctant to walk away because they really do get along well together. Also, she feels that if she walks away, B will have succeeded in her attempt to "win" A.

I don't really want to get the mothers involved - I am on friendly terms with them, but not really friends with them and I don't want them to feel I am stirring the pot. I feel that the children need to learn to negotiate these situations themselves, but it would be nice to feel that those Mums were at least talking to their daughters about kindness etc and I have no idea if they do.

How would you advise DD?

Why do girls have this need to have a soul mate, which seems to be the cause of these toxic trios?

My son has experienced this too

Google 'triangulation' (psychology) & it will help you make sense if it.

Good luck

It's a common issue. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do except encourage your dd to expand her friendship group

My dd is 14 and has been having problems with trip friendship groups for years. With different groups too. All she wants is a best friend but she only seems to get into threesomes which have been a nightmare. I will be googling triangulation as pp suggests and hoping that my younger dd doesn’t follow the pattern. You have my sympathy although I can’t offer any advice.

I know the right thing might seem to be to do what you have suggested but from my experience a 'why are you treating me this way?' convo doesn't work with people who are obviously CHOOSING to treat you bad (regardless of their age). And telling your kid to take that stance of trying to understand or stop people being mean (be explaining to them what they already KNOW they are doing assuming they will suddenly develop a concience) just doesn't work and infact, makes it clear they are winning and in their eyes, makes you look weak.

Instead, encourage your daughter to make new friends and distance herself from a and b 'for now'. If a is really her friend, she will come back to the friendship (probably after b has demonstrated similar crappy behaviour to her). And if she doesn't 'it is her loss'. Prepare your child not to tolerate crap behaviour and instead, respect herself. Otherwise, she may grow up making excuses for mean people and disloyal people her whole life.

It's so hard. My DD had this all the way through school and to be honest did not have a BFF. Now she is at University she has at last met a BFF.

There really is nothing you can do except encourage friendships with other people - and lots of extra curricular stuff.

I am not advocating tolerating the behaviour just that by understanding it you can realise what/why & avoid!

If you understand what is going on you can respond differently to it! Or not

...yeah I kinda get ya... but that's relying on a young child A. to be able to articulate why they are behaving a certain way and B. to acknowledge that they are being naughty. It also gives them the satisfaction of knowing that their behaviour is having an affect. Also, sometimes dicks are just dicks and changing OUR behaviour one way or another, won't help us.

I would probably encourage her to have a few good friends, rather than going for a BFF. And I say this as someone who's successfully had a BFF since I was 5 (now mid-40s). I do think my experience is the the exception to the rule.

When my BFF and I were around your DD's age, there was a third girl who always wanted to exclude my BFF - 'this is a 2s game', etc.

I was shy, and not at all a strong character. I knew what she was doing was wrong, and I wanted to include my friend, but I didn't have the strength of character to stand up to her.

Toxic friend kept on, and it was only when we were about 11 or 12 that I finally told her where to go. Have never heard from her since, while BFF and I continue to be as close as sisters.

This is why I think getting your DD to put A on the spot and saying 'why don't you stick up for me?' might actually make A turn away, in a 'this is too hard to deal with' sort of way.

My own DC have a group of friends and wouldn't pick any one as their 'best' and I do think avoiding all your eggs in one basket - at least at this age - is the road to harmony at school.

If she expands her friendship group, and leaves A and B to it for a while, A will probably come back to be friends with the nicer person.

Reading this gives me the fear a little as DD3 who is 3 and just started nursery is already doing this, sometimes playing each of the roles in the 3. I find it particularly hard to explain why trying to ‘take’ a friend from someone else is unkind. It’s amazing how early and innate this desire for a bestie seems to be, although I blame peppa a bit. When she was 2 she was saying to kids ‘I’m not your friend anymore’ after watching an episode where peppa and Suzy sheep fall out and both go seeking a new BFF. So I don’t have lots of advice from experience but my instinct is do as you are, to support DD with her emotions and discussing ideas of how to handle it. Poor thing, it’s painful I’m sure