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Original poster

Controlling grandparent

21 replies

ella90210 · 27/03/2019 16:08

I have just had my first baby, he is 2 weeks old. I am in my early thirties and very close with my parents/immediate family.

I knew they would want to be very involved with the baby but it’s only been 2 weeks and I’m about to scream.

My mother has always been overbearing, she’s constantly texting me, trying to make plans with me, asking what I’m doing. This has continued since baby arrived. She’s constantly asking what I’m doing with him, why am I not going out (baby has been a bit poorly and had lots of hospital appointments so I don’t feel like doing much).
She also calls me lazy when I say the baby is asleep and I’m napping/watching tv. She says I should be doing jobs.

She is also not happy with my decision to breastfeed. ‘You can’t be getting your boobs out in public!’ (Not that it matters, but I don’t I’m quite discreet!) and constantly tells me to bring a bottle so she doesn’t have to see me feed him.

I don’t know how to approach this, it’s only going to get worse isn’t it? I know people will say ‘tell her to f*ck off’ but it isn’t as simple as that we’re a very close knit family and it would cause a rift. I feel like she’s treated me as a child for so long and now I have my own child I can’t do anything right.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Jackshouse · 27/03/2019 16:14

Your right not to tell her to fuck off but do set boundaries. Tell her why you are breast feeding your baby and if she doesn’t want to see her own child’s body then don’t look or don’t meet up with you.

GoodMornin · 27/03/2019 16:16

I feel for your OP. I can't imagine my mother telling me not to breast feed- it's outrageous! I would politely point out that you will be breast feeding your baby regardless of what her opinion on that is.
You could have a calm and polite discussion with her and tell her how your comments are making you feel and that you would love her support at this time? Do you have a partner? What does he/she think?

Sexnotgender · 27/03/2019 16:18

I’d tell her not to worry she won’t see you feed him as you won’t be visiting her.

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LemonBreeland · 27/03/2019 16:19

I think you need to have a honest conversation with her and tell that you are now a grown up, perfectly capable of making your own decisions and that you will make those decisions whether or not she agrees with them.

I feel you are probably going to need a little bit of a fall out to clear the air and make a change. My sympathies as I've been there, but not quite to the same extent.

SnuggyBuggy · 27/03/2019 16:25

Tell her politely but firmly that you have chosen to breastfeed and take it easy for the first few months. I'd also be careful of letting her be alone with your baby if she feels so strongly about your decisions. Hopefully things will get easier as the baby gets older and she will get used to you making the parenting decisions.

Original poster

ella90210 · 27/03/2019 17:00

thanks for all the comments. i do have a husband, he's very laid back and i think because he doesn't have to directly deal with it, it doesn't bother him so much.
definitely going to politely reinforce that i WILL be breastfeeding, regardless of what she thinks. also going to try do some baby groups etc so i'm busier.

OP posts:

DelphiMum · 27/03/2019 19:15

You don’t need to be busy. It’s percectly acceptable and good for the baby for you to hold up at home and feed and cuddle for hours on end while watching TV. That’s what a newborn needs. 2 weeks old is much to young to get anything out of a baby group. Of course if you want company then go for it.

Try not immediately replying to her messages. And just say you are “spending some mother/baby time today”, whatever you are doing.

Maybe try setting a weekly 1hr slot where you see her? Keep it restricted and make sure she understands that you are the parent, not her.

Well done for breastfeeding despite the unsupportive mother. And getting your boobs out to feed your baby is perfectly acceptable.

Original poster

ella90210 · 27/03/2019 19:33

Thank you so much for this comment! I’ve been feeling guilty cos he’s almost 3 weeks and we’ve hardly done anything. We’ve had lots of visitors but I’m happy sat at home cuddling. You’re right, there’s no point forcing myself to do things when he’s so tiny.

Good call on not replying immediately, that’s a good idea.

OP posts:

anothernamereally · 27/03/2019 19:54

Completely agree with pp that baby absolutely does not need groups at this age - and for a good while yet
Perfectly fine to go if you would like to get out etc but it's also beneficial to you both to spend lots of time cuddled up and getting to know one another, even a straight forward birth needs time to recover from physically and emotionally too

SnuggyBuggy · 27/03/2019 20:28

The only thing I did with my newborn was go to a BF cafe session and some walks with her sleeping in the pram.

TooStressyTooMessy · 27/03/2019 22:23

Congratulations on your baby OP .

I can relate as my parents can really treat me like a child at times. I have finally realised that they do this because I let them do it to me but have yet to find the answer to dealing with it. I definitely agree with not replying straight away.

I think Lemon’s first paragraph is perfect and says it all really. In fact it is exactly the words I have been looking for to say to my parents. Thanks Lemon!

GreenTulips · 27/03/2019 22:27

Don’t reply straight away then a breezy ‘sorry mum just been redecoration the loft’
‘Didn’t see your message, I’ve been giving the PM advice about Brexit’

Just stop giving her a stick to beat you with, close doesn’t mean you share every detail

Ewanismydreamsheep · 28/03/2019 06:41

Don’t feel guilty about not

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/03/2019 06:48

Congratulations on the new baby. And welcome to years of unwanted advice, it's a pity it's your Mum who's doing it though.

Rest when your baby rests at this age and ignore her advice, you sound a lovely Mum working to do the best for your baby.

ParadiseLaundry · 28/03/2019 07:49

I barely left the house for four months after dc1 was born and don't regret any of it, it was bliss, and I appreciate it all the more now he's 3 ans boisterous and I'm pregnant with no 2. Of course I'm not suggesting you have to leave it that long, just that you only had a baby two weeks ago so resting, cuddling ands feeding your baby and watching Netflix is what you should be doing.

Your mum sounds very unsupportive and unhelpful ands obviously knows nothing about breastfeeding.

Original poster

ella90210 · 28/03/2019 08:11

Thank you everyone. It’s so stressful to know what is best! You’ve made me feel better about my decision to not do much at the minute.

Definitely need to just stick to my guns with my mum and remember I am a grown adult and this is our baby not hers. I don’t know why she wants to make me feel bad though it’s bizarre.

OP posts:

Femodene · 28/03/2019 14:02

People like this rely on everyone pandering to their atrocious behaviour, the only person causing a rift would be your mother, inform her that her opinions are not wanted and ignore all theatrics. She’ll be damaging your child’s digestive tract for life by giving him risks at 3months old or all sorts of crap since she’s telling you right now that your boundaries are hers to stamp all over.

Nonnymum · 28/03/2019 14:12

As a grandparent myself I think your mum's behaviour is terrible. Please don't take any notice of her. She should be proud you want to breast feed and her comments about you getting your boob's out are just nonsense. She does know that's what they are for doesn't she? And how good for your baby your breast milk is?
She should also be encouraging you to rest when the baby sleeps.the housework is really not important at all.
If she will listen to you I suggest you try to talk to her. Tell her how she has upset you and you need some space. Tell her you appreciate her support but this is your baby. She had her time to do things her way with her children and now this is your child so your way.
Good luck. It sounds to me as though you are doing just fine. X

TillyTheTiger · 28/03/2019 14:36

You are doing great! I always used to deflect interference onto a convenient healthcare professional, ie.

'Why are you breastfeeding when bottle would be much easier?'
'well the infant feeding class at the hospital explained about the benefits for baby's immune system so I think it's best I follow their advice, and it seems to be working for us'.
'He's such a huge baby, your milk can't be enough for him - shouldn't you be giving him solids by now'
Actually I asked the health visitor about this and she said that waiting until 6 months is recommended and that he's gaining weight on the right curve so I'm going to stick with her advice'.

I found family were less likely to question my decisions if it was backed up with advice from professionals.
Also babies get little from baby groups until they're closer to 8 or 9 months, at this stage they're just for the benefit of parents, so don't feel under pressure to go unless you want to.

Bookworm4 · 28/03/2019 14:41

He's 3 weeks old, what exactly is it she thinks you should be doing? Switch your phone off after texting her to leave you be and you'll be in touch when you're ready.

Acis · 28/03/2019 23:07

She also calls me lazy when I say the baby is asleep and I’m napping/watching tv. She says I should be doing jobs.

On that one, why not just lie and make out she's caught you in the middle of ironing or hoovering or something? Or, if you don't want to do that, tell her you really don't feel you have to account to her for every moment of your time. Or don't answer the phone and tell her you couldn't hear it above the hoover.

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