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Parenting

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Original poster

4 yr old DD, tantrums

6 replies

jo3009 · 27/03/2019 06:36

Bit of back story, my 4 yr old DD now goes to my parents 2 days a week as her nursery hours changed. I have noticed such a change in her behaviour. She has to get up early these days as my DH will take her on his way to work. The days at nursery are sometimes longer now as I can leave her there until 6 if I like. So I know she is tired. But yesterday I picked her up at 2 and went shopping. I said she couldn't have a toy in the shop and all hell broke loose. We were near a busy road and she started running towards a petrol station obviously that had cars going in and out. I panicked, shouted really loudly about the cars. She then would not move to come home so I had to take her hand and sort of drag her, (couldn't lift her as had shopping). She was screaming at the top of her voice that I was hurting her but I just wanted to get away from the busy road. I've told her now that she can't go to a birthday party on Sunday because of her behaviour.
I just feel so guilty that I didn't handle this very well. I keep crying that I will be punishing her on mothers day. Should I let her go to the party or carry out this punishment? DH says to not let her go. (he also says I'm way too soft on both of our DD's, other one is 8). Sorry for the long post.

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IHaveAnOutie · 27/03/2019 16:08

I'm having a tough week with my four year old, it can be so stressful, I feel for you. I have to try really hard (and still fail) to not blurt out those kind of punishments. I think the problem is, it's so long after the event for a 4 year old to understand, it will lose the meaning of the punishment. Could you maybe get her to do some things to earn back the right to go to the party, while reminding her why she lost the right in the first place? That way she's not just getting away with it as such. And in the future try and do the punishment on that day, so that it makes more sense to her?

Di11y · 28/03/2019 12:14

i think it's ok to discuss with her that even adults sometimes make mistakes and you were so upset at her behaviour and running you gave that consequence but as that also punishes the birthday girl you're changing it to x

Di11y · 28/03/2019 12:17

but vow to yourself you'll never give another punishment you won't keep and never choose the party - it punishes more than your child.

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Quartz2208 · 28/03/2019 12:34

Agree with Di11y you cannot use things as punishment - a parent has made a party based on your daughter going so you are proposing letting people down

Talk to her explain the dangers

Also bring her straight home - dont go shopping she is overtired and probably hungry

Can I ask though exactly what behaviour do you think you are punishing for

Original poster

jo3009 · 28/03/2019 21:19

Thank you all, I was so frustrated by the whole situation. But I do realise she is only 4 and tired. Really Quartz2208 the punishment was the tantrum as I didn't buy a toy she wanted. Recently as she's going to my parents, her behaviour when she comes home is very much "I want it now" and if she doesn't get what she wants there's lots of feet stamping and crying. I know my parents spoil her, as grandparents do, but it seems to undo all the work we try to do.

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Quartz2208 · 28/03/2019 21:39

I would not recommend punishing tantrums tbh. Tantrums are normally borne out of a mix of tiredness/hunger and emotions running.

The best and only course of action is to ignore it and the behaviour and it will stop. Although I do find that trying to prevent over hunger is another good starting point

See the tantrum as being the punishment - she knows you have said no. It upsets her so she has an emotional reaction to it she cannot control. The key is learning to control that because no matter what she does she still isnt getting what she wants anyway. There is no need for further punishment. Punishment is actually telling her that her emotions are negative and goes too far the other way in trying to get her to control them. Which is the key because lets be honest sometimes things dont go our way and we have an emotional response

What you do need to make sure is that your grandparents do not cave in the tantrum. I am happy for my parents to spoil so to speak at the first point of asking - that is their pregorative (within reason) but if they say no then that is it. Decisions are final no amount of tantrumming changes that.

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