Contact after separtion

[Homeforkids]

Hi everyone.
I am going through a painful divorce. We have two kids 5 and 8. We are just beginning court proceeding for financial settlement (long story I wont go into now).
I work on rigs at sea and am 2 months away and two months home. Previously we have just arranged contact between ourselves, me having the kids for the weekends I am home and for around half the school holidays when I am home.
My ex suffers anxiety and does give me a lot of grief over simple things. I had only just got home (had the kids at the weekend) from work when I got a call about a family member overseas that was very ill and not expected to live long. I made arrangements to fly out the same day. I visited the kids at school to explain the situation and why I had to go straight away. My ex was straight away on my case not to upset the children . I was kind but honest as my eldest asked many questions. They were upset but I spent a good amount of time with them and explained that these things do happen and why I had to go. My ex has offered no support in this situation and only criticised me for upsetting the kids.
The family member passed before I was able to reach her but my ex continued to give me grief the week ahead of the funeral.
She said I have upset the kids and demanded I give a schedule of when I am to have the kids for the rest of the year. Given her behaviour during a family tragedy I was concerned that putting a schedule in writing would simply give her fuel for more arguments over the next year if plans change for any reason. We usually plan when the kids are with me a few weeks ahead.
She says the kids need to know ahead of time but for the rest of the year?
I want to continue as we were but she said she will now seek a court order to force a schedule. She says many things about the kids being upset, or not wanting to see me etc. But its opposite when I do see the kids, they are very excited to see me and never in a rush to go home!
The kids know when I am coming at the weekend - due to this family death this was the only time I couldn't keep my time, hence going and seeing the kids before I left.
Is it reasonable for her to expect a schedule for a year? If she gives this much trouble during a family death I can only imagine what it would be like if work dates change or anything causes a change of plans.
Can this come up during the financial settlement court process or would she have to issue proceedings separately and open another court case?
Be aware that she uses the kids all the time as a weapon against me.
Thanks

I think knowing more than a few week ahead is reasonsonable especially for planning cover for school holidays.

I forgot to mention that my ex doesn't work. So she hasn't the need to arrange for time off or holiday cover. I will always plan ahead as best as I can so the children know what they are doing. She wants a schedule planned right down to the hour for the next year. I expect her to be very unreasonable if I need to change anything ever. She threatens to take me to court.....

It does not matter that she does not work, she still has a life and you are being unreasonable in expecting her to be 100% responsibilities for the kids and not be able to plan her own life because you want to decide at short notice when you are willing to see the kids. Kids need to know what is happening too. Maybe if you were being more reasonable then so would she.

You're in danger of falling into the trap that a lot of men do in taking the mother of your children for granted. This has pissed her off and now she wants to pin down the dates. I dont doubt that you work hard to provide for her and the DC but you don't sound appreciative of the wrap around care that she provides. What if she wants to get a job, meet someone new or book time away when you are due to have the children?consistency here is key. It's hard to get things right during a family death but could your ex simply have just told the children that she wouldn't be looking after them and booked a flight? I doubt it.

DSS is now 15 and the flexible approach to contact DH so loved with his ex has become a burden because guess what?they didn't go to court and get it in writing so now he hasn't seen his son for 2 months because apparently his ex has been busy with her family events. Dont see going to court so negatively or at least provide the dates because the court will ask for a firm commitment from you anyway. Yes it will remove some flexibility from you but it will also cement the time that you will see DC.

Why don't you have the kids for more than weekends when you're home for 2 months?

How do you think your ex would manage if there was a death abroad in her family while you're away working?

If you make a commitment you make a commitment. It's up to you to arrange childcare during "your time" if you can't look after your children perhaps you could have taken them with you to the family funeral.

It's quite reasonable for your ex to know a year ahead when she can plan nights out or holidays in the knowledge that the children will be with you. .

Just tell her it's not possible for the next year that unreasonable I bet most families go by every other weekend so can work it out themselves, knowing pick up at 5 drop off at 4 sort of thing. Try to give her a schedule so she has a plan. I think the 2 months your on the rig becomes very hard for her, so she looks forward to you having the children so she can have a break. If you work with her re dates things will be easier for you all. I understand that you went to see the children. But then it's the mum that had to deal with the children's upset and disappointment when she was probably worn out and ready for child free time
Work together

Given you know your schedule exactly- sorry I think having it arranged as a regular thing is utterly reasonable. You come home and pick up what you want, when suits you. There should always be the ability to compromise- but you want what you want, when you want, and she has to pick up the slack and the day to day stuff. A formal arrangement is perfectly reasonable.